Sunday, March 31, 2013
Today is Easter Sunday. I have tried to focus on the true meaning of this holiday. But today my mind wanders to little girls in Easter dresses. We went to church last night instead of this morning. There aren't many children that come on Saturday nights but on Sunday mornings the nursery is full of beautiful babies and often on Easter Sunday there are visitors with their little ones on their laps during service. When my first daughter was born I couldn't wait to show her off in her tiny Easter dress. I think of the excitement of the mommies showing off their little ones in their new Easter outfits. It really is an exciting thing and so much fun to dress up your little ones and see the sparkle of excitement in their eyes. But lately it seems to tear at my heart to see tiny girls in little Easter dresses. Today has been a day full of emotion for me. I have 2 sparkly eyed children that woke up to baskets brimming with treats and toys. And I have one beautiful little girl that spent her first Easter Sunday with our Saviour in Heaven. It was hard to take one of those baskets, a white one with a lavender bow, to the cemetery this morning. Inside the basket is a little bunny with "My First Easter" on it's belly and "2013" on it's foot. Anna would have been 9 months old now. I often wonder if she is a baby in Heaven, or a little girl, or perhaps even a young woman. I don't know how it all works but I know she is there along with my parents that also passed away last year. The year of 2012 was unimaginably difficult. It seems so strange that it is already 2013, and the past has turned into memories. The people I used to hug and talk and laugh with are now memories in my mind and in my heart. I remember holding Anna in a wooden rocking chair with a blue cushion and wondering how on earth the precious baby in my arms could possibly be dieing. How is it that she would become a memory? When she died a piece of me died. It was the strangest feeling in the world and I remember feeling it and also being aware that no one else in the room was aware that I was experiencing something so shocking. I don't think I will ever forget that feeling. I've never told anyone about it, well except the world of SparkPeople. But as I've said before this seems to be a safe outlet for me. I think I can be honest and real here. Facebook is fine but I never want my friends to feel guilty for bragging on their little ones. They are blessings and they should be bragged about. Also, I never want to complain much to people on FB. I don't want to seem as if I am vying for attention or pity. Though I guess I don't worry so much about that here. SP does offer a certain amount of anonymity, which I do appreciate. So onto the future I suppose. A friend and I are getting back on the "let's get healthy wagon" tomorrow. Perhaps this time it will help to have a friend to hold me accountable and also to have a friend to hold accountable as well. There's safety in numbers right? ;) Here's to better tomorrows.