Sunday, March 31, 2013
First I want to thank every single sparker that has either responded, goodied, Sparkmailed me or wrote on my page for everyone of your words, emoticons, and thoughts have kept me from falling into the deep dark abyss. I have been fighting with my own deep depression and severe panic attacks as I think of my daughter and trying to be there for her as well.
Update: Yesterday we actually got to go and visit her, Friday we were not allowed to see or talk to her. I forced my panic way down even though I was my shaky usual self because of it. We had a family therapy meeting with her, DH , MIL, DS and myself. It was very very hard for me to be there, I tried very hard not to cry totally breaking down, although tears did flow from my face. My daughter is still having suicidal thoughts and also had confided that she hears voices, bad ones that put her down or tells her people are lying to her, a negative voice. She had to get a cat scan yesterday afternoon to rule out anything physically in the brain wasnt wrong. This of course scared me, my brother had Bi-polar Schizophrenia so its very frightening since his showed up at the age of 15....after I had been gone from the house so I never had to really deal with it. She may have to stay at the Pavillion for another week, which is also hard being seperated from her for so long.
Today was visitation day as well(I should say visitation hour, because that is all you get), and I couldnt make myself go. Last night I had a panic attack that lasted for over 4 hours and have even decided I need to contact my own therapist early tomorrow even though I have an appointment on the 4th. I dont think I can wait with this "crisis" at hand. I am having trouble sleeping again to include nightmares even though I take meds to prevent them in the first place. My DH and Mil went to see her and her Aunt and Uncle will be visiting too. My DH says he is very proud of me though for how strong and how much I have held together for if this would have happened 6months ago he would to have delt with me and her at the same time. I guess therapy is doing more than I thought which is where I MUST keep my mind instead of blaming myself for this.
Again thanks for the support and prayers and hope that the prayers will continue for her so she can FEEL the love that is all around her.