Sunday, March 31, 2013
Oh, bleurgh. (That's me, with a full post-brunch belly.) A couple friends just left, after brunch and a trip to the dog park. Done cleaning up, now just digesting! Safe to say it's going to be veggies, water, and Greek yogurt for the rest of the day...worth it, though. Totally worth it.
So, I was reviewing the goal SP set for me when I joined: 50 lbs by mid-September, which would take me down to 161. No big deal, right? Except...
161 was exactly the lowest weight I reached a couple years ago, before I began my regain. I didn't want to address the sense of disappointment/frustration I felt quite yet, but now I kind of have to, after thinking about that goal. I have to revisit what happened: Why did I stop? What was going on that I spun so very far out of control? How can I not repeat this cycle? And finally, how on earth will I be able to work that hard again to get there? After all, I've been "there" fairly recently, and remember exactly how hard I worked to lose 80 lbs the "right" way. (Right for me, anyway--we're all different!) The 5:00AM workouts, the careful meal planning, the constant scrutiny and commentary, and the ever-present self-consciousness that resulted. ("Stop looking at me!")
I know it sounds like whining, and maybe it is, but I'm kind of back-ending my way into a good headspace. I sort of have answers to these questions, and I sort of don't. My biggest ray of hope right now is that I feel like "the switch" was switched a couple days ago. (Perhaps even "sparked"?) It felt like something just...shifted. Emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, biologically, whatever. Almost a strange sort of receptiveness to engaging in all of this again.
We all know the challenges, even beyond what I stated above. So where to begin?
Here are the weapons in my arsenal, the arrows in my quiver, so to speak:
*Experience-I know what to do and how to do it
*Patience-There's no rushing pounds off, especially at 38!
*Good basic health-So blessed and grateful for this.
*The sun-Is there a better time to renew oneself than in spring?
*SparkPeople-You knew this one was coming!
*Grace-To forgive myself, the grace of my friends to understand.
That's a positive place to end this maudlin, rambling blog! Thanks for reading, and for being fellow travelers on this amazing, scary, hard, gorgeous journey.