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    MSJESSPDX   3,588
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Arrows in my quiver


Sunday, March 31, 2013

Oh, bleurgh. (That's me, with a full post-brunch belly.) A couple friends just left, after brunch and a trip to the dog park. Done cleaning up, now just digesting! Safe to say it's going to be veggies, water, and Greek yogurt for the rest of the day...worth it, though. Totally worth it.

So, I was reviewing the goal SP set for me when I joined: 50 lbs by mid-September, which would take me down to 161. No big deal, right? Except...

161 was exactly the lowest weight I reached a couple years ago, before I began my regain. I didn't want to address the sense of disappointment/frustration I felt quite yet, but now I kind of have to, after thinking about that goal. I have to revisit what happened: Why did I stop? What was going on that I spun so very far out of control? How can I not repeat this cycle? And finally, how on earth will I be able to work that hard again to get there? After all, I've been "there" fairly recently, and remember exactly how hard I worked to lose 80 lbs the "right" way. (Right for me, anyway--we're all different!) The 5:00AM workouts, the careful meal planning, the constant scrutiny and commentary, and the ever-present self-consciousness that resulted. ("Stop looking at me!")

I know it sounds like whining, and maybe it is, but I'm kind of back-ending my way into a good headspace. I sort of have answers to these questions, and I sort of don't. My biggest ray of hope right now is that I feel like "the switch" was switched a couple days ago. (Perhaps even "sparked"?) It felt like something just...shifted. Emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, biologically, whatever. Almost a strange sort of receptiveness to engaging in all of this again.

We all know the challenges, even beyond what I stated above. So where to begin?

Here are the weapons in my arsenal, the arrows in my quiver, so to speak:

*Experience-I know what to do and how to do it
*Patience-There's no rushing pounds off, especially at 38!
*Good basic health-So blessed and grateful for this.
*The sun-Is there a better time to renew oneself than in spring?
*SparkPeople-You knew this one was coming!
*Grace-To forgive myself, the grace of my friends to understand.

That's a positive place to end this maudlin, rambling blog! Thanks for reading, and for being fellow travelers on this amazing, scary, hard, gorgeous journey.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FINDING_CRYSTAL 4/2/2013 10:49AM

    what an amazing writer you are.

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AKATHLEEN54 3/31/2013 8:48PM

    I absolutely love all the" weapons in your arsenal" I may have already told you this, but I feel what has "changed" me this time is the accountability I feel being on the Spark web site. It's really strange to me, but when so many people are always rooting for me and cheering me on, offering encouragement and words of wisdom I feel like I don't want to disappoint these friends ( who are virtual strangers) but in such a short time have become very important to me. These friends really make me want to give this journey my all, to each day put forth my best effort, to try to push that extra mile. They are my biggest cheerleaders to help me reach my goal. I know that if I was doing this on my own that I would never have gotten this far and I k now they will be with me for as long as I need them. So that is why you have such a strong "arsenal". You have all the tools you need to be successful and you have the will to want to succeed! Spark On!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NSTARSMITH 3/31/2013 6:09PM

    That "switch" is probably the Spark. I think the reason I stick with this site is that whenever mine wears off I plunge back in and get re-Sparked. Feed that Spark regularly with involvement with the site and everyone in the Community. It takes a while to really sink in. Keep on Sparking!

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CBDTRAIN 3/31/2013 5:31PM

    The lifestyle change is what makes the true difference.

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