Changes, we can't help it when it happens.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Lately I kept thinking of one word... a simple word that can have a profound effect on people. That one simple word is "change". We all change. Sometimes change can happen quickly, in the blink of an eye and other times it can take a few days, weeks and even years. One thing can change a person. Everyone you meet changes you in some way. There's no denying that. The way you feel can change and the way you see the world changes.
In high school I wanted to join the military. But that vanished when I met Shawn. He would say that he supported me in my decision to join the navy but that it would prevent us from seeing each other as often as he liked. We talked about marriage and I told him that he'd be able to move in with me after boot camp and possibly A. school. But he said he didn't want to move out of Illinois. I changed myself to be with him. I let him control certain aspects of my life, like how I dressed. At the time I wasn't shy about "flaunting". I wore short skirts and low cut blouses because that was what I was comfortable in. His family wouldn't like it, so I changed. I didn't realize how miserable I was with him. I felt oppressed but I thought it was what love was. I changed for him but he never changed for me. I sacrificed my dreams to be with him and all he gave me was lies.
The summer of 2012 he proposed to me. It wasn't romantic. It was on the floor of our messy basement in the house that we lived in with his dad. There was no romantic words or feelings in his voice. But I wanted to marry him. Despite all the red warning signs, I wanted to marry him. I was planning the wedding with no help from him. Trying to decided which music to play or who to invite. He wanted me to do all the work because it was MY wedding. He never referred to it as "our wedding" just mine. I should have realized then.
For a time I thought our relationship was getting better. We were doing things together and talking more but November 4th he broke my heart. There was a change that happened instantly. Love turned to sadness, anger and hate. "Our relationship was getting better but our situation isn't. I also want to see how things go between me and this other girl." There was another girl. I knew her. She was my friend but she was his best friend. He told me several time in our relationship that the biggest mistake any one can make is dating a friend. It was in that moment when all the lies came to surface as he told me the truth about our relationship. In the beginning he had "settled" on me but "fell in love" with me later.
I fell into a depression. The first few days of my depression I couldn't eat with out getting sick. I drank glasses of water like a fish. My mouth was always dry. I cried for a little over 2 weeks trying to change his mind and take me back. I told him that I would change and things would be better. I thought it was my fault that we had broken up because he put that blame on me. I begged and pleaded and cried. I told him time after time that if he only gave me a second chance he would see.. I was willing to change myself for him... AGAIN!
My depression was worsening. Several times I sat on the bathroom floor crying. I was hurting. Little voices in my mind echoed out from the darkness. They told me that the only way the pain would go away was to kill myself... It was in these moments that I struggled between life and death that I realized how strong I truly am. His new girlfriend, so weak minded that her cry for attention poured out crimson through her cuts... I realized then that either way I am stronger than her at least. For I fought through the pain and the suffering. Before it got too bad I reached out to someone else. A man I used to know 5 years ago. He was also going into the Navy (but never did). I met him 5 years ago at the recruiters office, this was just after I was with Shawn. We became friends but we had an argument that made us change. He thought I was giving up my life for Shawn.... we stopped talking.
It's funny, because at that time I didn't know how right he was. I gave up my life for someone who didn't love me. But in the darkest moment of my depression when the struggle for life and death was leaning in favor of death I sent him a message. I asked him if he remembered me.... fifteen minutes later he replied back with "yes. lol" We talked, and I told him what happened. It was during this that my feelings began to change. I was still heart broken. I was still depressed but he made it better. Talking to him that night made the depression bearable. I had made arrangements to meet at my friends house. He would watch us play Dungeon and Dragons... because I'm a nerd. Before that, I looked to the promise Shawn had made... we would still be friends. I told him that I was interested in dating this other guy and he replied back, "I can't stop you, but I really wish you wouldn't get into a relationship until I know that its gonna work between me and (new girl)."
I almost waited for him. That Sunday, the day of DnD, Nick met us at my friends apartment. Shawn is also in this group and I remember I kept looking to him. I was still heartbroken and depressed. I ignored Nick and I still feel horrible about it. That night I told Nick that I wasn't wanting a relationship and that I wasn't ready yet but that I still wanted us to be friends and that he should still come down that Tuesday as planned.
That Tuesday changed me. He showed up at my house. It was dark but not late. We really didn't have anything planned because we didn't know much about each other. We didn't have much money between us so we went to Wal*Mart. It doesn't sound like the most romantic first date but we talked a lot. We got to know each other and share experiences. I was still heartbroken and depressed but that was fading as we walked around wal*mart. for four hours we walked around wal*mart just talking. Half way through he took my hand and in the moment something changed. It felt like my heart came back to life and started to beat again. I wanted to cry and I wasn't sure why. I felt afraid and guarded. I was hurt not too long ago and I feared it. But that moment when he took my hand it just felt right and natural, like he was meant to take it. In some weird way he pulled me out of the dark and depression. He asked me to be his girlfriend and something changed then... I still felt angry and I still felt hatred towards the 2 people who managed to hurt me more than I've ever hurt before, but in the darkness there came this small ray of hopeful light. It quieted the voices of depression.
Even after we started dating the depression lingered. It wasn't bad but I could still feel it. Even now, 4 months later I can still feel that depression wanting to flare up... sometimes I let it. But I know that I can control it. I changed. My feelings for Shawn was fading while my feelings for Nick was growing. my best friend said that he doesn't believe that feelings can change so quickly and that I shouldn't be in love with Nick so soon. But it happened. It was one of those funny moments in life where changes happen almost instantly. This really just angered my best friend and I really don't why.
I read a book "Chasing Spirits" written by Nick Groff. Nick Groff is a member of Ghost Adventures, which just so happens to be my idol. In his book he talks about how the Ghost Adventure Crew got started along with some biography oh himself. There was a recurring theme in this book... "2 seconds." He talks about how it only takes 2 seconds for your life to change, rather its falling from a tree and slicing your arm open on a razor wire fence, that if it had cut 2 centimeters deeper would have ended his life, to seeing the apparition of a spirit standing in front of you or even hearing your child cry for the first time... In some way I felt connected to this book, I could relate to it.
It only takes seconds for something to change your life. I was broken down and depressed within seconds of Shawn walking away from me for the last time. Every second that I fought the voices of depression I grew stronger emotionally. I know I can face it, even though I reached out for help, I know I'm going to be just fine. Strength isn't about being able to do things on your own... sometimes you have to reach out for help. I realized in a moment that my depression was something I couldn't face alone. But those moments where I sat on my bathroom floor crying taught me that I'm stronger than I led myself to believe. My depression changed me.
I still keep my engagement ring on my right hand ring finger... my engagement didn't have much effect on me. It lacked emotions and feelings and companionship. I kept it as a reminder that sometimes the one you think you love can lie to you. Its a reminder to keep an eye open for the red flags telling me of danger. I'll admit that even after all of that I'm still pretty damn naive. I may have trust issues but it isn't as bad as others. I tend to trust easily even though it would leave me hurting and bruised.
Being with Nick has changed me. I gained new dreams. Looking up to the Ghost Adventure Crew and wanting to understand my own profound paranormal experiences I told Nick that I wanted to start a team. to my surprised he told me to go ahead with it and that he'll do it with me. He's the first member of my team.
I was talking to my friend Bendigo and we started talking about ghost hunting. He confided that he had thought of getting a team together to. Without thinking I told him we could do it and Nick is in too. Together, Bendigo and I thought up of names. He threw out the first idea "Team Anubis". Right away it had an Egyptian theme. It was funny to me because I had always been interested in the ancient Gods of Egypt. Bendigo told me that Anubis was the God that chose where people went after they've died. I then thought of "Hounds of Anubis", I felt like we were we would be doing what the hounds would be doing... hunting. Taking that idea Bendigo narrowed it to "Jackals of Anubis" reason being is that Anubis is depicted as having the head of a jackal. And that was it. Jackals of Anubis was a live. The next part is to get the equipment and to do investigations. We haven't done one yet, but we're going to. and I'm hoping that I can have some equipment before we do our first investigation.
I changed when I was 14 and saw my first ghost. She was there in my basement in Joliet Illinois. She was sitting in an old office chair my cousin left behind when they moved. My dad was renting the house from my uncle. I always hung out in the basement listening to music. One night was I turning of the lights making my way up the stairs when I felt an urge to turn around... I looked at her, once... twice... third time she was gone. I ran up the stairs screaming and crying that there a ghost in the basement. Dad didn't believe me but mom went downstairs to check it out. Though she didn't experience it herself she believed me. That moment I changed. I always believed in spirits and ghost and never had to see one to believe in them... but she wanted me to see her. I'm not sure what she wanted.
Later in life I would be talking to mom about it and she told me that I should have tried to make a connection with her. I should have tried talking to this lady spirit but I was 14 and it was my first experience. I was too scared to do anything else. But it changed it me. I knew they were real and I had that experience.
Not only did I get a boyfriend I managed to get a paranormal investigating team. None of this would have happened if Shawn hadn't broken up with me. I envision us being successful ghost hunters... but it's a dream. I can't wait to start and make that dream a reality. The first time of investigating will change me in some degree, but everything will.
I'm happy now. Sometimes I'm stressed and sometimes depression creeps up but I am happy. I am changing. My weight loss will be slow but I'll change. I'm not changing for Nick, I told him my plans and he's supporting me. He believes in me and it feels fantastic. Nick had told me several times that he thinks I'm perfect the way I am, but understands my need to be healthier. He doesn't try to make me feel ashamed of how I dress or how I act. He tries to make me happy and feels terrible when he can't.
In 4 short months I changed. I'm not doing this for Nick... I'm doing it for me. I love that Nick has agreed to get healthier with me and we promised each other to push ourselves past our self-placed limits. We're changing and we'll continue to change. Every experience we have will change us because it's how we learn and grow.