FEAR, Pure and Simple
Saturday, March 30, 2013
My left foot has been slowly getting worse and worse.. I wasn't able to take the stairs at work on Thursday and Friday because I didn't want to aggravate it any worse than it already is.. It started last Monday aching... and has just gotten worse.. .it's a burning pain on the ball of my foot inferior to my big toe.. OUCHY.. The pain and redness is about the size of a half dollar.. There's a very hard (kinda crunchy) nodule under that part of my foot, oblong, kinda like a navy bean. The area is very red but no break in the skin (although that's exactly how the burning feels.. like the skin is broken and someone put monkey's blood on it!).
Well, I arrived at the box last night and my coach said "Come on, let's run a mile" and I froze and then I looked at him like he'd lost his ever loving mind. I mean, yes, we ran (and walked) a half a mile a couple of weeks ago.. and yes, we have worked out hard since then building my stamina.. but a MILE?? I was simply paralyzed with fear. "Luckily" (???) I told him about my foot and said it simply would not be a good idea to do the mile run on my foot the way it is. He relented and we did the alternate workout I described in my last post - a mile on the rower instead!
Today I am still haunted by this "run a mile" thing.. I do trust my coach.. he does push me hard.. but a mile?? me?? my mouth still goes dry thinking about it. Even walking a mile makes me freak a little.. I'm not sure exactly why.. I only know that the fear is real (to me).
My foot is still hurting today but took some anti-inflammatories and put a pad under that part of my foot... and I was able to go shopping and walk almost 7000 steps... and NOT without pain... and no it's not lost on me that I can walk all over creation to shop but not for my own fitness??? WTH?
I've done some very strange (and new to me) things with my coach.. prowlers and kegs and kettlebells and wall balls and rings and box jumps and and and... and I've given each 100% and felt uncomfortable but not fearful. I can tell I'm going to have to do this mile thing just to rid myself of the fear... but I will wait until my foot is better and if it's not improved in the next 48 hours - I'm off to the podiatrist.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to capture this feeling by writing a bit about it.. and reflecting.. and hoping I figure out why this is such a mental thing with me..
139 days til Africa
60lb goal with 45 to go!!