Saturday, March 30, 2013
I am starting to feel that I am completely alone & it really breaks my heart.
I am having really bad relationship issues. I am just not happy. I saw this thing someone posted on facebook talking about 12 signs your relationship is over: http://personalexcellence.co/b
& reading through the list it kindof hit me that right there is my marriage.
I keep looking back at when we first got together and how happy we were & all the really happy memories seem to have been in the past... I keep expecting/wishing/hoping things will change, that he will change. Go back to how he was.
He used to be sweet, loving, attentive. But now he is just angry all the time. I feel like I can never talk to him at all. Not about deep personal important things, not about stupid everyday things. I ask him to take me to the store and it is a fight, I ask anything it is a fight. Like it feels like the sound of my voice is just irritating to him.
I get that he works alot, last week he worked 50 hours and his job is stressful and money issues abound. And then he comes home and he eats horrible, barely gets 6 hours of sleep a night and so is always feeling like crap & tired and cranky. And he takes it all out on me. He can be so mean and sometimes downright cruel towards me.
He gets mad when I call him out on it. He doesn't want me to call him mean....but he is being mean. When you make your wife break down in tears you surely are not being nice. But somehow in his head he thinks it is worse for me to call him mean then for him to be being mean to me.... No I don't think you get to be upset that I am calling you mean when you are really being mean! He just never wants to be shown negatively. You can't point out his flaws or mistakes without him acting like you are throwing him under the bus. He is just so defensive. And trust me I have tried everything I can think of to help, having a mature discussion without just throwing stuff at him and explaining all the stuff i did wrong too. It doesn't matter...
He is selfish and self centered, it is like he never ever takes my feelings or thoughts into consideration.
Like just for example, he never ever takes the cell phone to work with him. And I am trying(struggling) to change my sleeping habits and wake up early. This is very important to me and very difficult. I have been using the cell phone for an alarm clock.
Yesterday he decided to take the phone..he opened so was up before me & he just takes the phone. Knowing full completely well I was using it. My issue wasn't that he took it, but that he couldn't have reset the real alarm clock for me? Or at the very least wake me up to say hey I am taking the phone?
So when he gets home I try to talk to him about it saying it upset me and he flips out and screams at me over it. Basically saying that he just doesn't care.
The issue isn't even the real problem but that he just doesn't care that he upset me or messed up my day at all.
I want someone to care about me. To be there for me. To make me a better person and bring about the best from me. He seems to bring out the worst.
Everytime I am around him it is just this negative aura that just puts me in this bad/upset mood as well.
& it makes everything so so much more difficult. I am trying to be healthy, trying to heal and grow stronger. And it is so so damn hard. Every single day is a struggle. And everytime I start to do well, start to get myself on track he just comes through like a tornado and destroys me, knocks me down again.
I just realized that I think he was sabotaging my diet.. and working against me. & just like the entire insurance issue. My insurance has been messed up for almost 2 years now...only he can fix it through his work (i tried), but he still hasn't done it.... Why?? I am sick. Emotionally and Hello I am a diabetic I need to see a doctor. Why hasn't he done it? Does he not want me to get better? If I got better I think I would leave maybe he knows this??
I am very weak right now. I was being extremely suicidal. And I went to him and told him I was struggling that i was having these horrible thoughts and was scared. He tells me try to be happier...make a list of things you want to do...don't leave me I need you. Period the end. never to be talked about again...
I wish I could leave. I dug myself into this huge stupid hole and I don't see a way out. I have a panic disorder. I can rarely leave the house without having panic attacks & lately they have been so worse. because of that I can't drive, I can't work and so have no money or options of my own. My family is all in texas where I am in NY & they don't have the money to get me there or take care of me either. I wouldn't even want to do that to them.
A few weeks ago we had a huge fight and it was like 2am & I just got dressed and took off walking. I walked 6 miles and the entire time it was a huge downpour of rain. Like so much rain that it soaked through my hoodie and to my shirt underneath. I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't even grab my purse or phone. I just kept walking and walking not wanting to turn around and go home. I felt like a kid running away from home. When i did get home it was after 5am. I was so cold I just had to curl up in the bottom of the hot shower shaking. Wasn't smart or fun.
I just am stuck all alone. All by myself with no one to rely on. I know if I want to get out of this mess I have to be strong, I have to get healthy- physically & mentally.But it is so hard when people around you are working against you. Sometimes I just think it is not worth the effort. I am stuck and never getting out of this mess and should just give up.
I am all alone though. I just have to focus on myself. Not on him or us or anything else. Just me. On what I need to be better. Maybe just try to never be around him as much as possible. Which living in a small apartment isn't easy. But just block him out when I must and not even waste my breath on him. Take a walk when I can. And just get stronger....