Saturday, March 30, 2013
I haven't been myself for a while. I can't be bothered with things that used to be my burning passion. I seem to have only 3 states of being: angry, sad and asleep.
But while talking to my bf earlier today I made a throwaway comment that turned out to be a giant spotlight on the real problem.
We were talking about the fact that it's not fair my healthy, never smoked, never drank Grandma died of cancer when my 50-cigarettes a day Nan is still going. It's not fair that my 86-year-old Great Aunt fell over and hurt her knee, when my 70-year-old Nan fell over and broke her hip.
Bf's answer was, "You know what they say; nature isn't fair."
To which I replied, "I'm starting to think God isn't either."
And there it is. My entire life and self are breaking up because the foundation they're built on is shaking.
Please, don't tell me God loves me. Don't tell me Jesus died for me. Don't quote Bible verses at me, and if anyone even thinks of saying "God works in mysterious ways" I will scream. I've been a Christian since I was 8 - I know the spiel and I know the verses. They're not helping.
I know there is a God, I could never doubt that. But right now I can't get past the thought that either He's not listening or He just doesn't care.
If He were listening, He would have heard me praying harder than I ever have before that my Grandma would beat cancer.
If He cared He would have let my Dad get the job he interviewed for, and He certainly wouldn't have let my Dad find out he didn't get it on his birthday.
Grandma being gone is just too much for me to handle. And Dad hearing that on his birthday just seems spiteful.
There is a God, but He doesn't seem to be who I thought He was. And I don't know what to do about it.