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    OLIVIANIGHT   110,093
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Eureka


Saturday, March 30, 2013

I haven't been myself for a while. I can't be bothered with things that used to be my burning passion. I seem to have only 3 states of being: angry, sad and asleep.
But while talking to my bf earlier today I made a throwaway comment that turned out to be a giant spotlight on the real problem.

We were talking about the fact that it's not fair my healthy, never smoked, never drank Grandma died of cancer when my 50-cigarettes a day Nan is still going. It's not fair that my 86-year-old Great Aunt fell over and hurt her knee, when my 70-year-old Nan fell over and broke her hip.
Bf's answer was, "You know what they say; nature isn't fair."
To which I replied, "I'm starting to think God isn't either."
And there it is. My entire life and self are breaking up because the foundation they're built on is shaking.

Please, don't tell me God loves me. Don't tell me Jesus died for me. Don't quote Bible verses at me, and if anyone even thinks of saying "God works in mysterious ways" I will scream. I've been a Christian since I was 8 - I know the spiel and I know the verses. They're not helping.

I know there is a God, I could never doubt that. But right now I can't get past the thought that either He's not listening or He just doesn't care.

If He were listening, He would have heard me praying harder than I ever have before that my Grandma would beat cancer.
If He cared He would have let my Dad get the job he interviewed for, and He certainly wouldn't have let my Dad find out he didn't get it on his birthday.

Grandma being gone is just too much for me to handle. And Dad hearing that on his birthday just seems spiteful.

There is a God, but He doesn't seem to be who I thought He was. And I don't know what to do about it.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLITZEN40 4/1/2013 1:53AM

    Your BF is right. Nature is not fair. Life is not fair. But God never said it would be, so don't let it shake your faith. Hang in there!

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RHYMESWITHBABY 3/31/2013 7:35PM

    Grief is a terrible thing and can affect us in lots of ways. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. (On a practical note, if these feelings have been building for a while, it might be a good idea to mention the mood change to your doctor in case there is some medical insight that can help.) Look after yourself!

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MCYNDYM 3/31/2013 12:45AM

    Olivia,

I felt the same way the day my husband passed. I didn't blame God for taking my husband, but I was angry for the way God took him and when. I felt that there were so many other times and ways my husband could have died, but didn't. Still to this day, I go to Deaf Ministries Church and still feel numb about being there.

I don't have hatred for God, I believe there was a reason God took my husband when he did. Yet, I hate when people tell me all the time, "Oh, honey, you just lost your husband. I can't even imagine losing (their husand's name)..." There are many times that I just want to scream bloody mary, when they say this!

I snapped after my husband passed, literally the same day he passed, within hours of finding him. His cousin (a woman in a wheelchair) was irking me to the 10th power about finding my husband and IF I bothered to resuscitate him. I went off on her, and made her feel like a complete a-hole for bringing up the discussion. Even his brother, and other members of his family call her out for bringing up this discussion. I slammed the table in the kitchen and walked off to our room. I was crying into his pillow on our bed, for what seemed like hours before my sister came into the room and said, "They left at my request for making you upset...."

Even now, the cousin still won't talk to me. It's been 2.5 years since his passing and she won't even say a word to me. It's okay though, she will eventually go through the same loss, in time. I'm not being mean, just honest.

In time you'll find your way through this rough spot in life. It's up to you to make amends... It doesn't have to be this minute, next week or in a few months, but eventually. I know, I have to make amends before I leave to study in another state. I don't want my baggage of losing my husband to follow me and hinder any future relationships that I might have.

I wish you the best my friend. Hugs!!!

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NEEDBU66 3/30/2013 7:04PM

    praying. Talk to Him. He's listening.

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ROCKMAN6797 3/30/2013 4:02PM

    emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 3/30/2013 1:13PM

    I"m sorry you're feeling this way. Crisis of faith is hard. I'm not personally a religious person - I don't believe in God, and haven't in many years - but I do know how hard a crisis of faith can be. I hope you find your way through okay. *hugs*

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