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    PIGSOFGREEN   9,023
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Scared, alone, but a tiny bit hopeful

Friday, March 29, 2013

There's such a rollercoaster when it comes to a woman's cycle - and this post deals with that. So...this is a big TMI warning folks - stop here and click away if you don't want to know intimate details of my life.

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Ok, so if you're still reading, there's a little backstory that comes first. It's probably been posted in my blog before, but seeing as I have THIRTY EIGHT PAGES of posts (!!!) I don't expect you to find it in all that.

THE BEGINNING
Age 16 - Horriffic menstrual cramps on the first day of my period, every month like clockwork. Every month I'd still try to go through normal life: going to school, work, etc. Every month it would just about make me go into shock, and I'd have to go home. Doctors couldn't tell me what was wrong, and threw pills at me to take when it hit.

Age 22 - Got married, had grandiose plans of getting pregnant on our honeymoon. That didn't happen, and we started monitoring my fertility by charting my temperature every day and timing our sex life. Sexy, right?

NOW
Age 32 - 10 years of miserable periods with no end in sight, horribly painful infertility emotional rollercoaster for years, and an adopted kiddo (who is fabulous, this has NADA to do with her) which makes everyone think that adoption is a magical bandaid that makes any lingering pain or hope from infertility go away - I have finally found a proactive doctor. The last three months she had me on birth control to try to regulate my increasingly erratic periods, but the bc turned me into a raging monster.

After the last round, she had me go in for a progesterone blood draw to see if I ovulated. Tha was last week. Today I finally heard the results - I didn't ovulate. Not exactly a surprise, based on the crazy that has been my cycle for several years now. So, since we'd theoretically still like to try to have a baby, she's put in an RX for clomid.

I have my instructions for this when my next cycle happens...and I'm terrified.

There is SO much rolled up in this.

emoticon I'm not sure I WANT a baby, to essentially start over, now that kiddo is ten and so independent.
emoticon I'm not sure that I want to open myself to that deep hurt again, by allowing the hope to creep in
emoticon What would this do to my very very new boudoir photography business?
emoticon I don't know if I can handle the emotional rollercoaster that comes with this.
emoticon I haven't even gotten to talk to my other half about this yet - he's at a basketball game for a bit more tonight.

My doctor did "warn" me of the so-called risk of having twins. Frankly, if we're blessed with kids, then that's it - however many God gives us. I'm just so incredibly unsure if taking this next step is what we should do. Does DH want it? Do I want it?

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KIMBERLY19732 3/29/2013 11:06PM

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