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That New Attitude Doesn't Want To Be Adopted!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

So, I was reading my new Spark friend, Sharon's, page and she was saying that no matter what you are doing or feeling to love yourself. She asked why it is OK for us to show off our happy, kind selves and not our angry, sad selves.... Why is that? Why do i feel I can't blog about how I really feel right now? Why am I trying to deny myself the right to feel lousy right now? My mom is dead. I miss her. My dog is sick. He is falling all over the place and no one is sure what is wrong.

I just had to step away because I heard him stumble and then a big crash. I called my neighbor to come over and see if Jack had stumbled into something and knocked it over. It doesn't appear he did, so I don't know. But, when I checked his legs out he was leaning against the wall b/c he was so dizzy. It scares me. It hurts my heart.

So, while I want to be all happy and positive, I'm not. I'm just not. And, I deserve to feel bad. I earned it. I've spent 44 years as a diabetic, 24 blind, 9 without my brother and sister and now going on 4 months without my mother. My diabetes has never been easy. I'm wearing a continuous glucose monitor for the weekend and I'm glad. I want the doctor to see how long it takes for my insulin to work. It says 10 to 15 minutes, but it takes 7 to 8 hours for it to work in me. By that time all my food and my glucose has been absorbed and my blood sugar bottoms out. It was 48 yesterday afternoon. 48!

I'm never without hope. I do always expect things will get better. I still do, but I'm in a funk right now. I'll be OK.... I always am OK, but why do I not want to allow myself to feel what I am feeling? Every loss rips the wounds of the past losses and my mom's death has really thrown me for a loop. My dog's vertigo makes me sad and worried. That all seems natural to me to feel bad. I just don't know why I feel I must deny those real and yes, bad, negative feelings?

As for health and fitness.... I'm back down a couple pounds, eating fairly well, and exercising. My food choices are not always good b/c unfortunately I was raised to eat when I was happy, sad, mad, etc. Food attempts to fill the whole I feel inside. It does for short periods of time too. But, I'm working on it. Right now I am trying to live by the 80-20 rule and eat good for at least 80% of the time. Then to measure and weigh even the "bad" stuff in my 20%.

My life is indeed full of blessings, but I'm sad. Easter is here and I really miss my mom. I keep forgetting she is dead and think on Sunday at Mom's I'll...

The thing is that I deserve to feel bad and am going to let it happen. As long as it doesn't get so bad that I can't function; can't manage my daily hygiene; do my work; exercise.... Do what I need to care for myself and my husband and my dog.... As long as I am not curled up in bed all day every day I think I am doing just fine. So there!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have every right to feel what you are feeling. Don't bury it. You don't have to always put on the happy face - we love you regardless of what you are feeling and posting - it does also make you more human.

    We do all tend to put up a good front for others when inside we are falling to peices or our hearts are breaking. Letting our true feelings show through is healthy.

    I am sorry for the loss of your mom; this year will be a year of firsts without her and will be full of feeling your loss. Feel it, but also feel the good times, the good memories, the feeling of love you shared with her.

    You can always blog what you feel. We are with you through thick and thin.
    1788 days ago
    Yes, never bury those feelings. Know that you'll have both good and bad days! Trust me I understand how you're feeling because we have all experienced loss in sort of form or another. It is never pleasant. But it is life and we just deal with it the best way we know how! Just know that you can and will get through this! You're not alone! Continue to take care of yourself!

    1789 days ago
  • 2BEHEALTHY2014
    Melissa, it makes me sad to know you are so sad. I understand. This is your first Easter without your mom, and it's going to be hard. You do have every right to feel sad. Trying to bury those feelings und a happy face isn't going to make you feel better. We all need to grieve in our own way and our own time. My heart goes out to you. Please know that Ian here for you if you need anything.
    1789 days ago
    Healing requires you to feel your feelings, so feel them, it will allow yourself to move on. Hugs.
    1789 days ago
    So sorry you are going through all this right now.

    Life is full of ups and downs, and you need to be in touch with your feelings and talk to friends about it.

    Anyone who claims to be happy all the time doesn't have real feelings

    1789 days ago
    You know as well as anyone you have to be honest with your emotions. If you are feeling icky - feel icky. You don't have to be Princess Positive all the time. Just don't lose sight of the things you want. And remember your blessing.

    We love you.
    1790 days ago
    Hugs! It's ok to not be ok all the time!!
    1790 days ago
    You go, girl!

    Your twin
    1790 days ago
    You are doing as well as you can be with what you have been given to deal with at this time!! Did that make sense?

    Big Hugs!!!
    1790 days ago
    1790 days ago
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