Thursday, March 28, 2013
So, I was reading my new Spark friend, Sharon's, page and she was saying that no matter what you are doing or feeling to love yourself. She asked why it is OK for us to show off our happy, kind selves and not our angry, sad selves.... Why is that? Why do i feel I can't blog about how I really feel right now? Why am I trying to deny myself the right to feel lousy right now? My mom is dead. I miss her. My dog is sick. He is falling all over the place and no one is sure what is wrong.
I just had to step away because I heard him stumble and then a big crash. I called my neighbor to come over and see if Jack had stumbled into something and knocked it over. It doesn't appear he did, so I don't know. But, when I checked his legs out he was leaning against the wall b/c he was so dizzy. It scares me. It hurts my heart.
So, while I want to be all happy and positive, I'm not. I'm just not. And, I deserve to feel bad. I earned it. I've spent 44 years as a diabetic, 24 blind, 9 without my brother and sister and now going on 4 months without my mother. My diabetes has never been easy. I'm wearing a continuous glucose monitor for the weekend and I'm glad. I want the doctor to see how long it takes for my insulin to work. It says 10 to 15 minutes, but it takes 7 to 8 hours for it to work in me. By that time all my food and my glucose has been absorbed and my blood sugar bottoms out. It was 48 yesterday afternoon. 48!
I'm never without hope. I do always expect things will get better. I still do, but I'm in a funk right now. I'll be OK.... I always am OK, but why do I not want to allow myself to feel what I am feeling? Every loss rips the wounds of the past losses and my mom's death has really thrown me for a loop. My dog's vertigo makes me sad and worried. That all seems natural to me to feel bad. I just don't know why I feel I must deny those real and yes, bad, negative feelings?
As for health and fitness.... I'm back down a couple pounds, eating fairly well, and exercising. My food choices are not always good b/c unfortunately I was raised to eat when I was happy, sad, mad, etc. Food attempts to fill the whole I feel inside. It does for short periods of time too. But, I'm working on it. Right now I am trying to live by the 80-20 rule and eat good for at least 80% of the time. Then to measure and weigh even the "bad" stuff in my 20%.
My life is indeed full of blessings, but I'm sad. Easter is here and I really miss my mom. I keep forgetting she is dead and think on Sunday at Mom's I'll...
The thing is that I deserve to feel bad and am going to let it happen. As long as it doesn't get so bad that I can't function; can't manage my daily hygiene; do my work; exercise.... Do what I need to care for myself and my husband and my dog.... As long as I am not curled up in bed all day every day I think I am doing just fine. So there!