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Just down a bit

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Today is not a good day. Trying to write myself a new exercise plan that I can do without my foot. The sun is out and it's a bit warmer and I'm trying hard to find joy in that.

It's tough to accept the fact that my children don't want to be around me. I didn't think I was a bad mom but I must have been. Since the youngest got his license I'm watching him making the same dumb decisions his older brother's made. And his grades are dropping. I'd hoped he'd choose better.

I'm ready for my grandson's to visit. They still like me. Looking for fun things we can do that they'll enjoy and won't send me to the poor house.

I'm trying to stifle my bitter, angry feelings I have toward one of my son's today. I feel like he used me. But that's what mom's are for, I guess. I am managing not to say anything to him because right now, it would be biting and angry and I may regret it later. So, I'll pray instead and remind myself he's an adult and his decisions are entirely his.

Been missing my son and my mom this week. Going to go by my son's grave tomorrow and may try to go by mom's as well. I could use my mom right now. I guess that's why I find it so hard to understand why my kids are fine if they never see me. Oh well. I wasn't the mom my mother was.

Guess I'll soak up a little sun and get working on that new foot free exercise plan.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon ...the holidays are notorious for bringing up grief, sadness, and the whole spectrum of emotions. You are in good company, although I'm sure that's not the greatest consolation in the world at a time like this. I wish you peace and serenity as you face the weekend. Families are almost invariably plagued by tensions and other intense feelings; that seems to be universal, unfortunately. I'd love to hear you treated *yourself* especially gently and well this weekend - with love! After all you've done, you deserve no less... - Susan
    1759 days ago
    It's pretty widespread among us moms to take on guilt that we do not deserve. You can give your kids advice and serve as a role model, but they have to choose how to live their lives. The advice we give is often not beautifully phrased, and neither are we always the best role model, but, you know what? Nobody is! That's because nobody's perfect, and we do what we can the best way we know how to do it. Go outside and soak up the sun and you will feel better.

    DeAnne, Missourians Team
    1760 days ago
    I agree with slimmerjesse, you need to stop beating yourself up about being a bad mom. I know how hard that is. My youngest at 9, uses that guilty factor when she disagrees with me. She makes me feel like a bad mom and I feel guilty and she gets her own way. Well I have caught on to the trick and it doesn't work so well anymore. I have raised three great children. Sure I could have done better, but I did what I could and they are all turning out well. They do have to make their own path in life though, as we did before them. I have had 2 of three kids move out to live with their dad's but that does not make me a bad mom, or them bad kids. Try looking for the positives instead of dwelling on negatives.
    1760 days ago
    Even good mothers get a huge kick in the can - I know this for a fact. Stop beating yourself up. You did the best possible
    job. The rest of the responsibility is up
    to the kids. Life is a two-way street and
    we have to stop driving for both ourselves
    and our kids. Just speaking for myself.
    I know how much love you give and what
    a kind person you are. So I know you
    were a good mother. Yes, it's very tough to not be wanted after all this love, time, and effort. But it is what it is. It has taken me a very very long time to start accepting
    the reality of it. Sad. Tragic. But it's just the way it is.
    1760 days ago
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