Thursday, March 28, 2013
When I went to the store yesterday I seen a guy I went to high school with. I didn't even remember his name and we were never really friends but, he was in the line next to me and just kept staring at me with an almost confused look on his face. I said "Hi" and gave a cheesy quick wave and went back to putting my stuff on the belt and then he blurts out "I almost didn't recognize you, you're a lot skinnier now." Bonus points to you man but, I've got a lot left to go, I am 100 pounds less than the last time he seen me....but I've got a lot of work to do to get where I want before I can accept compliments like that... lots of work mentally and psychically. I can't settle into accepting my body again yet because I accepted myself pretty well at 300+ lbs (ironic because I'm miserable at 208)...I was extremely happy then and that was a dangerous place to be maybe not metally but for my health...18 and on high blood pressure meds, metformin, horomones and cholesterol meds.
While I was out I also found an awesome deal at a local thrift store on a microwave that's in really good shape so I'm going to give that a try since my new ones keep blowing up on me. I can steam my veggies again the right way. I'm addicted to frozen california blend seasoned with Mrs. Dash and steamed. I tried to steam some in a pan on the stove but, it tasted like boiled broccoli and I didn't think the stink would fade out of the kitchen and now I can make my Atkins tv dinners the way they are intended to be cooked...as lazy as possible because baking them is too similar to making something I was feeling guilty about it and just cooking food and saving them. I've been in a "so sick of cooking" mood for a while...but, I've been cooking at least 2 times a day for ever now. Some days it's nice to just avoid my kitchen and the dishes...my husband changed the temperature setting on the hot water heater now so it has a fine line between ice cold and melting off my skin.
This morning was sad. Raising animals is not always easy and does not always go how you want it. I've had two pet ducks that I have been babying because they where the only ones that survived the coyote attack last fall. I wanted to keep them safe all winter so they have been living in a large dog wire crate on the porch...healthy, happy, and I am pretty attached to my little quacking garbage disposals. I've pulverized them eggshells and mixed fresh veggies into their feed so they had a balanced diet and they have just been my buddies. They even like to come out to visit sometimes and sleep on the dog bed. But, when raising animals as much as you love and care for them...you are always subject to random freak accidents that can bring tragic results. Apparently last night while I was sleeping the male duck stuck his head out of the cage bars, got it stuck, and suffocated. I count this as serious freak accident. They have been perfectly fine in this same cage all winter! My poor female is beside herself lonely now so I've let her out this morning and she is following me around while I take care of the bunnies, chicks, and dogs this morning and now she is asleep next to my min-pin on the doggy bed. So part of my workout for the day was digging a ducky sized grave and giving him a proper burial. My husband thinks I'm being wasteful but what can I say...you just don't turn your friend into dog food.
It's super sad but, it's pretty good practice for me in the coping skills department. I'm finding lately that I really don't know how to deal with stuff. I used to be able to eat and comfort myself but, I've lost so much weight that I can't binge eat anymore because it brings on more fear and overwhelming guilt that I will gain it all back if I have even one day out of control. My weight made me so miserable that I am so terrified of it coming back. so, I got my crying in for my loss. I used to never let myself cry. I'd just hold it all back even if it made my chest feel tight and made everything hurt. But, I made progress...I was sad so I cried for my bird, my buddy.... then I did what needed done.
Well, time to go make breakfast for DH. I took the lazy route and had a Slimfast Chocolate shake. I think I'm becoming seriously addicted to Slimfast or Special K shakes for breakfast. But, I guess I can't complain to starting my day off to yummy chocolate and I have never been a breakfast person and I can't stand the taste of eggs, oatmeal has textural issues, and for a change I'm sick of cereal. I was on a cereal kick for a few months...glad I kicked it because I really didn't need to start my day with a heaping bowl of carbs.