Thanking God for the Way I Am

Thursday, March 28, 2013

After the nasty bout of the big "E" three years ago, I started questioning who I am. I was forced to quit my job as a teacher. I lost my balance, so I had to quit ballroom dancing, riding my bicycle, to name a couple of things I once enjoyed doing. With all this, I also lost a great deal of confidence and self-esteem. And along the way, I lost some friends ... or maybe they lost me.

The only thing I didn't lose is weight! No, I didn't lose that ... in fact, I gained it. Isn't that special!!

So, I've been grieving way too long over the "Judy I once was." At long last, I have begun asking myself a more important question: "Who am I now?" When I look in the mirror, I see a strong resemblance of the woman I once was, so there's a disconnect between what I see and what I perceive. Why is that?

Don't have an answer yet, but I am reminded of a quote I've always admired, and the universal word "man" can be replaced with woman" or person without degrading the speaker’s intent.

"I know I'm not the man that I ought to be, and I’m surely not the man I want to be, but thank God, I’m not the man I used to be." –Martin Luther King Jr.

For me, I may not be the same outgoing, confidant, physically strong woman I used to be ... but Thank God, I'm not the judgmental, intolerant woman I used to be.

Yes, I think encephalitis helped me in ways I am just now discovering like becoming a more caring, tolerant person. Whenever I see a disabled person these days, I believe I have more compassion and less judgment I once may have had. I now understand that to be ill, to be in chronic pain, to lose your job, to lose anything ... is something you should not be ashamed of. I am sorry to have to admit that I once (albeit silently) felt that way.

Thank God, I'm not the woman I used to be!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have taken a wonderful look @ your life through the changed lens of having chronic health issues. It is NOT easy. Not at all. I admire the fact that you can look @ life more compassionagely, non-judgmentally and even be grateful for what you can do.

    1665 days ago
  • JEANNE229
    Judy, your insight is amazing, and your resolve to find the new you so commendable. Disabilities are many and varied, and sometimes we really have to experience it to realize others are also suffering. Congrats, not only on a great blog, but a great outlook!
    1665 days ago
  • KENWANNE2013
    emoticon to the new you.
    1665 days ago
    Bobbi Anne,

    I regret you had to go through all that, but as you point out, you (and I) have learned what and who is real. Now that makes the pain and ordeal worth it!

    Hugs and smooches!

    Judy emoticon
    1665 days ago
    Let us thank GOD for all HIS blessings.
    Good day.
    1665 days ago
    I had a bout with Bell's palsy that taught me very similar lessons in humility, patience, and compassion. And that included patience and compassion toward myself....
    I'm sorry we had to learn these lessons the hard way, but we did learn them and we are smarter for it now, right? RIGHT!
    I wish you all the best on your continuing journey.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1665 days ago
    Oh Judy...this is SUCH a brilliant blog and a wonderful self realization. When we lost our beautiful son Josh I went through the same dark journey. I questioned ALL that I had, all that I had placed importance on and it was mostly money and things. LOOK at me...and HOW successful we are! Without your child it was a sham. Then I beat myself up over all the time I had not given him whilst his dad and I were working our brains out. It was quite a fall from grace when we lost our will to chase that money machine and then the economy crashed here in SW FL and our 30+yr construction biz came to a grinding halt!

    Then we entered a really black hole on the 'save our house' fight where we were hoodwinked, lied to, and cheated trying to get a permanent modification. Judy, we paid NINE months of trial modification payments...the whole time GMAC was getting all their forged and bogus documents together with their robo-signers and their constant fraud committed against us.

    While they were telling us out of one side of their mouth they were helping us...just pay THIS month and next month I'm sure you will get a permanent modification...out of the other side of their mouth they were lining up their fraudulent documents and laughing all the way to the bank with the extra money they squeezed out of us before filing foreclosure anyway.

    The whole 'modification' process and all of the so called 'help' from the government was just lip service. Believe me I know...I have files that stand three feet high trying to get help and work with GMAC that prove it!

    We got a lawyer...although a very ineffective one who wanted to just play out the timeline (lazy lawyer's way to make money) once I dug up all the fraud and false documents I wanted MORE than that.

    So we switched lawyers to a very effective (and EXPENSIVE) law firm out of Miami. It's been SUCH a long struggle and talk about STRESS...we know the meaning of THAT word up close and personal. Even after all of this long legal battle we might not succeed...Lee County judges are VERY lender friendly and they have reinstalled the 'rocket docket' back into their courts. It doesn't matter that you can PROVE fraud they just want their dockets clear.

    If this doesn't feel like you are being strong armed by a mafia tactic creep wearing a $7,000 suit and calling themselves a banker...I don't know WHAT else would!!

    Every night I go to bed and pray that we still have a roof over our heads the next night. We worked our tushies off for over 30 years to build this home. It was our dream home and to have it ripped out of our hands by crooks with license to sucks...plain and simple.

    Sooooo talk about the fall from grace...we have had some sobering lessons too. We still associate with our very wealthy group of friends...we've known many of them for over 20 years...but they look at us like we are losers...we used to be the BIG we are minnows. Has ANY of them offered to help us...of course NOT...heaven forbid their monies would be put towards something that MATTERS...instead of some new material car, or vacation, or 'look at me' item of vanity.

    No matter...we, like you, have learned the REAL reason we were put on this earth and that is to love and help each other...I think in the end...the hubs and I are FAR wealthier than this crowd of snobs. I mean REALLY further ahead...and so are you!

    Hugs and I'm so happy to see you writing's good for the soul..and as I always say..."the truth shall set you free!"

    Love you...mean it!

    Bobbi Anne emoticon
    1665 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/28/2013 8:18:17 AM
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