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    ISAVEDME80   18,788
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Help Please!!!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

OK so now that im not mad about it ill ask for advice on how to handle it...
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I have this guy and we have been friends since 2002 right, and well his mom died in 07 and ya all know mine died in 2011.... But anyhow I've started getting better with my moms death in the last two months ive healed A LOT and i've been happy and he just has been a royal poop head to me, cursing me out and trying to make me feel bad for not being miserable because he still is..
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How do you kick someone to the curb without feeling like a horrible person, I know I gotta let him go because he is a toxic person to me anymore and as much as I hate giving up on others its time to cut the cords

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Any advice on how i can handle it as smoothly as possible would be swell.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGIESSPRESSO 3/31/2013 8:39AM

    I done the same thing this past year, separated myself from those that were toxic in my life. I just walked away and ceased all contact. I pray you find the strength to be able to do that, when you do you will find such a relief in having them gone!

emoticon Angie

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PLATINUM755 3/29/2013 4:12PM

    I'm with SPSPSP1...if it's not working for you, it's not working. You deserve better, you deserve the peace you've worked for..you've earned it. Pray on it, it's a big step, however, you've worth it. emoticon

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BRERRABBIT1 3/29/2013 10:36AM

    Hi ISAVEDME80,
:) Just step out the back, Jack

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DEBIGENE 3/29/2013 9:33AM

    My very BEST advise is prayer. Let God handle it for you. Have faith and know that He will lead you in the direction that you need to take regarding this matter. Be kind and forgiving and let go gently. Stand back and let it happen.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Have a blessed Easter.

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FISHER011 3/29/2013 12:21AM

    emoticon

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CLPURNELL 3/28/2013 7:51PM

    I agree stop returning texts and calls etc. Go about your life and be happy.

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BARCLE 3/28/2013 4:06PM

    Just cease contact - done and dusted

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WARRIORGIRL121 3/28/2013 3:37PM

    Wow. I agree with all the points raised here. First of all, Chasity, I don't care how close you are to him - you are NOT his personal dumping ground. No one has the right to treat you that way, and God does not expect you to line yourself up to be abused in any way or form. I don't know if this person is saved or not (but even saved people can have issues if their minds are not renewed); this individual has a problem, and he definitely needs help BUT you are not a psychiatrist. If you want to talk to him and can do it calmly and safely (maybe with another person present), I like the scripted conversation of ALISHAB3 here. I would also recommend limiting your time and exposure to this person as long as they behave like this - I know it's hard but things like this can wind up sucking you down the drain of depression and self-loathing that they are in. I've had to do that in the past with a very negative friend who made me feel like jumping off a bridge every time I interacted with her. Ask for God's guidance to deal with the situation and pray for this person. God will not leave you alone in this, and He will help you find your way through this if you ask Him. I will pray for you too. Meanwhile, don't let this mess up your celebration of Easter this weekend. God bless you, honey, and I pray for your friend too. emoticon Karen

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LILORITA 3/28/2013 3:27PM

    It is not going to be easy, you should tell him its over, then take good care of yourself.

Comment edited on: 3/28/2013 3:30:51 PM

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JUMPINJULIE 3/28/2013 2:36PM

    It is not going to be easy. If it is possible to talk that is the first thing you can try if that is not a possibility he won't listen or understand or won't let it go than you can try a letter explaing how you feel and why it is no longer a good idea to be friends. And you hope he understands. than stop taking his calls looking at emails and walk away it will be sad you will grieve the loss of a friend. But you have to do what is best for you.

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BESCATS 3/28/2013 1:52PM

    Four little words "get rid of him". This is a form of abuse, bullying, etc.
He need therapy to help him deal with his issues.
We all deal with death of a loved one in many ways, and we never get over it, but as time passes you learn to go on like they would want you to.

Get away from him - you are better than that.


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IAMWINNING 3/28/2013 1:48PM

    All I can say is, you already have excellent advice, starting with praying about it, and progressing through talking to him, with or without someone else there. I'm praying for you.

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*RENEAT* 3/28/2013 1:16PM

    Sounds like my blog from yesterday... we know what to do but don't. You need to take care of you and not let anyone suck you back into the black hole of grief. Lord knows we can trip down that rabbit hole all by ourselves without any help, right?? My friendships have changed alot over the last two years as I deal with what life has thrown me. While I miss the freindship I remember I know that what I am remembering is not reality. I say distance yourself, if he asks you about it point blank, explain it. Misery loves company so he would rather keep you down than work his own way out of the mire. You know what you need to do - now do it my friend! emoticon

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IAM_HIS 3/28/2013 12:53PM

    Dear sweet, kind lady:

There isn't any easy way. You just have to say the words with strength and firmness. Before you do, take to yourself first--affirm yourself that you are special, worthy of respect and kindness...re-read these messages too. It will give you the strength you need. Then just do it.

No one can move forward or grow when being put down and disrespected.

I am very happy that you have grown so much. I know you can do this. Each of us who have responded to your blog have faith in you and want what is best for you.

Go for it....you are so worth it. We love you!!

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ALISHAB3 3/28/2013 11:27AM

    I am afraid there is no real 'smooth' way to deal with it. Just be blunt, tell him that he is no longer welcome in your life because his behavior is abusive and you don't want to hear from him in any way shape or form. Don't let him goad you into a negotiation.

The only other communication technique that I know of that can help is to use this script:

When you (whatever his name is) call me names, yell at me, and are abusive

I feel (fill in the blank). When you feel (whatever you think he his feeling.) x
next time do not yell at me, call me names, or whatever other abusive behavior he is using (passive or active). Instead, use your words.

If that script does not work out and he continues to be abusive, go back to the first option.

You do not need to feel guilty. This is one of those times when you must put your own oxygen mask on first. Don't let his wallowing and self pity drag you down into his pit of despair. He doesn't actually need your help anymore. Its been so many years that all he is doing at this point is using your pity and kindness as a way to justify his wallowing and self pity. You are enabling him to continue in this self destructive manner. The truth is that at some level he is desperate not to let go of his sadness because if he does then his mother is truly gone and he must learn to grow up and to be on his own, that is terrifying especially to a person who may have arrested development in his teens. You must ask yourself: is he behaving like an adult? If the answer is: no not really. Then you know the answer to your own question: you don't have to feel guilty for not choosing to get sucked into the black hole of his piss poor logic.

I am sorry that this is happening in your life. I have had to cut people out of my life because they were emotional black holes. Don't let the fear that you may not find new friends to fill the void hold you back. emoticon

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AWESOMECHELZ 3/28/2013 11:18AM

    Wow! That's a tough thing to do. I have done it in my life and actually, this past year. I knew that keeping certain people in my life was keeping me from healing AND moving forward. I promised myself to have good and healthy people in my life. Do you know what has helped me? The better I feel about myself, the less their negativity reaches me or affects me. I can't stop them from doing what they do but as I grow, my strength keeps their negativity away from me and they have learned that they can't be in my life, I am a different person.

You have done SO much hard work here and that light, inner light, will guide you and you will know what to do. Keep up the GREAT work you are doing, my friend!

Love, Chelsea emoticon emoticon

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KALLIE1958AR 3/28/2013 11:07AM

    First question is he saved ? a lot of people don't know how we can be happy when our world around us is crashing my mom died Feb 9th and I have the Joy of the lord do I get sad sometimes yes .. but I don't dwell on it .. the Bible says think on these things that are PHILIPPIANS CHAPTER 4 : 4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.
5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
Second the bible says to pray for those who do this to you .. you will find if you pray for them and ask God to take any bitterness out of you he will .. remember Christ said on the Cross Father forgive them .. so can we .. love you look up for your answers he so wants to be there for you .. cast your cares on him .. the joy of the Lord is your strength .. love you sis emoticon

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RISINGBLUESTAR 3/28/2013 10:59AM

    You are right, you don't have to put up with this. Before you kick him to the curb, maybe you could talk to him and see if he is willing to get some kind of help, some sort of therapy so he can begin living life again. Sometimes, when people seem the cruelest, it's when they need someone the most. I am not saying that gives him any right to treat you badly at all but I am just trying to look at it at a different perspective. If he refuses, you can always tell him you have tried and had enough!

Good luck!

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PENNYLYNN73 3/28/2013 10:50AM

    I think it's all been said but I will just reinforce what everyone else has been saying. You do not have to put up with the verbal abuse. When you call him toxic, you got it exactly right. He is poison to you and to your life. He will not like that you are cutting him out. He will try to make you feel badly about it. It is NOT your job to make him happy. You do not have to allow him to treat you this way. If you have trouble saying the words, then I agree with an earlier comment, try writing it down, but you do need to actually tell him to stay away. He will yell, rant and rave. Let him. Are you concerned about him physically harming you if you tell him to stay away? Maybe have someone with you when you talk to him.
My father was an abusive man. As a child I didn't have a choice but to deal with it but as an adult there was a period of time where i cut him out of my life because he was toxic to me. He didn't like that at all. Of course, things change, people change and grow and get better but it's is absolutely ok to cut him off. I will be praying over this situation for you. Please don't hesitate to continue to ask for help and prayer if you need it. emoticon

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SUNRISE141 3/28/2013 10:36AM

    NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MISTREAT YOU ! I would tell him to talk to me right or leave me alone . You can and should listen when he is dealing with his moms death but YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE ANY KIND OF ABUSE ! Does he abuse you when it comes to other things . How you look or call you dumb or make fun of you if he does you need to pray him out of your life . Don't knock him down be kind but firm . THANK YOU FOR JOINING THE GOD ANSWERS PRAYER TEAM ! I am here daily if i can help you in anyway . YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS TODAY AND HOPE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER ! Put the Lord first maybe you got a christian councilor that can give you some advice ! emoticon

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ETERNALMINDED 3/28/2013 10:30AM

    If he is this way all the time, I would let him go. It seems he is verbally abusive but if he is also physically abusive you need to get out of there and get help. You deserve better that this. Sometimes, you just need to cut the toxic ties. I will be praying for you! Blessings, Julie

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HPSANDDOLLAR 3/28/2013 9:50AM

  emoticon

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KANOE10 3/28/2013 9:30AM

    You are what is important. You do not deserve to be around someone who is so negative to you.

emoticon


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NEWKATHYNOW 3/28/2013 8:59AM

    He's stuck and needs help with his grief but that may take professional help. No matter what his reasons, you should not be the target of his abusive ways. You deserve better than that. You have to set limits with him. Tell him you will not tolerate his abuse of you and if he can't treat you with respect he needs to go away.

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PROUD-GRANDMA 3/28/2013 8:46AM

    emoticon

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SADWHITEWOLF 3/28/2013 8:22AM

    Write a ltter. Explain in the written word the reasons you ar feeling like you are. Sometimes (especially with toxic people) it it the only way to clearly and without tears/anger/etc explain why you feel the way you do about such a complicated situation. Let him know you can no tolerate his behavior. If after reading this he still continues to act the way he has then yes, cut him off. Simply stop answering the phone (or whatever method of communication you use the most)
Sadly you have to look after your own emotional well-being and if he cannot respect that, he is not a true friend.

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PATTYKLAVER 3/28/2013 8:10AM

    I am finally officially separated from a man who is a royal grinch. I finally said that it was time for me and I moved out and on my own.

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IMSUNSHINE 3/28/2013 8:04AM

    I call it politely ignoring....after you ignore him a few times he will get the hint. I know you dont want to hurt his feelings but your happiness is more important right now! Good luck!

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MSANITAL 3/28/2013 7:57AM

    It's been a long time since I have been single.. but one thing I do know if I was feeling that someone is not supporting me emotionally or even abusing me emotionally.. I would not stick with that person.. or I would at least confront them..
I know sometimes now after being married for 15 years if something is bothering me I let me husband know, I always has something to offer as far as comfort or just by me knowing that he is there is all the comfort I need.. but truly.. if this is something that is bothering you..really think about it .. because you never forget a loved one.. no matter how long it takes you.. if the grief is so bad that you cannot perform daily tasks. them yes professional help is needed but other then that, you can grieve as long as you want
My Mom passed away 4 years ago on April. I am very blue and sad right now..she is always on my mind but this time of the year more then every..

God Bless you things will get better emoticon

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GOLFGMA 3/28/2013 7:19AM

    I would ask for the Lord's guidance and seemingly that would be to , be honest but continue to pray for this friend and asking that the Lord guide him toward peace and hope.

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KEEPITSIMPLE_ 3/28/2013 7:07AM

    I would explain it just as you have laid out. I would tell him just what a royal poop he is, and that you don't need this in your life anylonger. I would tell him first of all about the cursing and the disrespect he's showing you, which no one deserves. You definitely need to get away from that, or he'll keep you down. Then I would point out his wallowing in grief while you are not, and you are moving forward. And anything else you have to add.

Then I would stop communicating all together. But I'd lay it out for him first.

Good luck!
emoticon



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SARASMILING 3/28/2013 6:17AM

    It may not be the best way, but I'm a big fat chicken, so I normally just stopping answering phone calls and texts. You can even do it slowly. lol Maybe answer one if it's been a week and he's still texting you and give the lame, "Sorry, been busy" line. Then make it 2 weeks, then 3, then never. :/
I know, may not be the best solution, but like I said, I'm a chicken and do not like confrontation. :)


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MARYJOANNA 3/28/2013 5:57AM

  I sure would let him know you do not care for his cursing. Let him know people heal in different ways and some it takes longer than others. Try to have him understand and comprehend what you are saying,

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JSTETSER 3/28/2013 5:49AM

    You must take care of yourself and ttrust God that HE will deal with the guy.
This is a great week to find God's help!
I love Spark People! This team REALLY works! Read my blog, and be encouraged!
http://www.sparkpeop
le.com/mypage_public_journal.as
p?id=JSTETSER

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CAMAEL100 3/28/2013 4:21AM

    I think you have probably come to the right conclusion yourself. You are just feeling bad about it. Well, you actually can't help him anymore as he is obviously not trying to help himself, just happy to wallow in misery. Your mother would like to see you moving on with your life. It is so NOT disrespectful to her for you to be happy. This is what she wants for you. You have just moved to a new stage of your grief which is not as intense. Our bodies couldn't cope if we staying in the intense grief stage for a long time.

I think you sound like a very nice person but he will destroy you if you let him. Move away from him by cutting communication. Do not feel in any way bad about this. It may even make him realize he needs to get on with his life. He may be using you as a crutch and is comfortable in the misery he has set out for himself.

Best of luck.

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GRACEBELL 3/28/2013 3:44AM

    Be true to yourself. Hopefully this person does not actually live nearby...distance helps. Think of how it comes to pass that you do see this person. Personally, my habit is to be up front and just say... "I find our relationship is toxic to me...and I am going to stop seeing you. Please don't call me, and if you see me in public, we can be civil...but do not visit me at my home again. I am serious". If he calls, don't answer, and do not call him (as someone said above)..if he comes to your house, don't let him in. If he doesn't go...call the cops. Done is Done. Turn to the Lord for your direction...gravitate to those who love the Lord as well. Best to you. You are making a good decision for yourself.

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FREEBIRD7100 3/28/2013 3:24AM

    I like what SPSPSP1 said. I think that just stating that you are growing and need to be around others who will feed that growth in you. Even state that at this time you are not feeling fed by his friendship. Make sure that you dont blame him & basically point fingers at him by saying things like, well you are a poop head & I cant be around your stagnant personality (even though you might want to) make sure that you keep things focused on your need for growth & ability to move forward. this might also help him out as he may not realize that he is being this way to you. It might make him face his pain & the fact that he isnt growing.

Hope this helps & I will pray for you in this situation.



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JUDITH316 3/28/2013 3:23AM

    I'm so sorry to hear this, it sure doesn't sound like a healthy situation to be in, I feel for you, whatever decision you make it won't be easy, but I encourage you to work through this and follow through with what's in your heart, only you know what is best for you, you are the only one who can answer these questions. I would encourage you to sit down with your friend and share your heart, and at the end of your conversation you still feel you both have grown apart and have different ideas then it's likely that you two would be better off moving on with your lives separately., . My prayers are with you.. Please let me know how things go for you, one thing for sure, I care and I'm here for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SOKENFUSED 3/28/2013 2:55AM

  Don't make calls. Don't return calls.

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BLITZEN40 3/28/2013 2:13AM

    If you truly want to never see him or speak with him again, then discontinue communicating with him. It's won't be easy, but is probably for the best if the relationship has become psychologically abusive. Good luck!

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SPSPSP1 3/28/2013 2:12AM

    He will use you as a punching bag as long as you let him (that goes for anyone else, for that matter). You can calmly and sincerely let him know how much you care for him, but that you two are growing in different ways and you need to move on. No matter what, he will interpret it however he wants to. You just need to be okay with however he thinks of you--good or bad. I wish you the best!

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