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Feeling like a failure most days!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Each day starts out so good and way into the afternoon and early evening, I'm still doing good and then watch out, I blow it. I can go over my food tracker every day and I hate it and I get so mad when others can eat so many bad, unhealthy things and don't even think twice about it, and here I sit, paying for every single bite that goes into my mouth. Yes, bad and good. It seems that just about everything I eat goes to fat, especially when I can't exercise like the norm. I know this is the same song, 2nd verse, but it seems to be getting worse and I really feel like giving up. It's so much easier to not have this rule my life every day. I feel like I'm obsessed with doing right and when I don't, I get so down on myself. I don't seem to enjoy life like I should because I love to eat and I have this burden over me all day long, watching me every minute of the day, to make sure I don't overeat or eat wrong! Why do we have this over us that when we're overweight, we're bad people, that we're so bad because we can't just eat plain whole foods. I get so tired of chicken breasts, of pretty plain veggies and fruit. No dressings on them of any kind, much at all, of plain dried up popcorn, of just water to drink. Not having lots of bread right of the oven with butter, etc. I've been eating like that and I feel more safe but i also feel like I'm missing something. I miss my yummy meals that I used to eat. Old-fashioned mac & cheese, chicken and rice, spaghetti, meatloaf and no ground turkey doesn't kick it with me. It's beef or nothing with me with meatloaf and everything else that should be beef and our beef is so lean on the dairy, that it's really considered vennison. When I try to eat everything in moderation, I tend to eat more because it tastes so good. Like one cookie or one little pc. of chocolate. I'm so tired of thinking scientifically. We're like computers. So many minutes here for exercise, so much of this food and that, 1/2 cups, oz's. etc. Am I willing to go by all the rules to get down to my size 12? Some days I think so and other days, I say forget it! Well, this is all the latest that's been going on in my SP life lately. I'm just so tired of tracking and everything else that goes along with it. I'm tired of being consumed by the computer alot in the day. emoticon
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    Hi! Just a shout out to congratulate you!

    -You are the recipient of the Beautiful Woman Award!!

    "Once you've been given this award, you have to paste it on the page of 8 women who deserve it. If you receive more than 3, you know you're really beautiful! If you break the chain, nothing will happen, but it's always good to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out!"

    Again, Congratulations Beautiful!

    Thanks for spreading a little beauty, love, friendship, and so much sunshine into my life!

    1408 days ago
  • PATTIE441
    You are NOT a failure, girl. You are a wonderful and beautiful person. I can tell already. And it is a pleasure to meet you. I have been having the same feelings lately. But I have had a few setbacks in the past few months, and I have been letting myself get out of control. But taking a step back, also I think helps us move forward. We CAN do this together, and you are not alone. Know that you are so worth it, and having fun at the same time, can make it more interesting. I decided I had enough with feeling bad this week, so I bought a hula hoop. It was a big one and a little heavy, but by golly, I am actually having fun! Doing something you enJOY, can really make a difference. We are here for you my friend. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1408 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/13/2013 3:28:10 PM
    Please don't hang up your desire to love weight and get exercise. A mini-vacation may be all you need. You are too important and your health is too valuable to neglect. Try to modify your approach. It might be easier to eat what you like and track around them but make sure you stay witin your range. I have been eating foods that are not conducive to dieting but I track my other food around these and emoticon emoticon eat lighter to allow for them.
    1412 days ago
    Hi there! Saw this post a few days and wrote you a comment but for some reason IT WOULD NOT POST! It's the big mystery LOL
    First off.....ummmm NO! Soooooo NOT a failure! Your in a slump is all. Life is full of phases and your just in a tough one! RA is a crappy curveball you have to adjust to....REALLY!
    And 2nd...you are defined by lots of things besides a number on a machine!Look at your lovely family for example. Remember, they don't care if you put on a few lbs....your just you to them. Good Mom, Wife, friend, fellow human, inspiration. Do not forget the pile o [ponds you already did lose!
    3rdly...I agree with one of the other friends suggestion here! Take a little vacation from Sparking, tracking, all of it. ( but just a short one to recoup! cuz you'll be missed!) But honestly....You have a lot of friends on SP and your sooooo active with all these people, I don't know how you find the time to do it. I hop on to track n check my feed and see a whole buncha blogs but I usually have to just say "self....you have sooooo much to do today. AAAAAAGH! get off the computer!"
    Your an inspiration....but really just take some time for you, whatever it is! Then Come back to SP refreshed and ready to roll again. If nothing else just to Bitch about it all! Everbody is here routing for you! JUst keep at it and find your smile!
    Your friend,

    1416 days ago
    It is 1am on Tuesday and I am sitting here crying right along with you, but mine isn't about food. It's men, well, boys to be more exact, If they were men, they would be reputable at least.

    And I feel what you are talking about. I took a little mini-break from tracking everything and I needed a couple of days off from my very rigid workout schedule to have some ME time. And that is what it sounds like you need... a vacation from all this mess. The scale, calories, fat, carbs, etc.

    Take a day off and reward yourself by not even logging on. Write it on a piece of paper, and for goodness sake, please eat some chicken and dumplings or spaghetti or something. I can't eat salads every day, and I am a mean beef-eater, so I am right there with you on that as well!

    Hugs... and never give up, but do take a break! You deserve it!
    1420 days ago
    Oh, my friend, I felt like these words were coming out of my mouth too!!!! I can relate to this blog more than you can imagine. I feel your frustration and please know that you are not alone in this! You are so right--why do we have to have our thoughts consumed by this 'watching what we eat stuff' all the time? It's just so hard some days, actually, many days! Even though your road is bumpy right now, always remember that we are right here with you--bumping our way along this road too. When I have times like these and i want to pick myself back up, I try to do three things--drink my water, exercise at least 10 minutes, and not eat after 8 pm. Even if all I ate the rest of the day was pure sugar, at least I did a few things to help gear me in the right direction so that maybe the next day, only 2 out of my 3 meals will be sugar, and then 1 out of 3, etc. etc. Does this make any sense? I know that it is one thing to hear this and another thing to feel strong enough to follow through on your own, but always remember that I am here with you too--we are worth the fight!
    1420 days ago
    I can relate. I think that too much deprivation leads to this way of thinking and that we have to learn to treat ourselves once in a while. Not every day but sometimes we need to have meat loaf, chicken and rice, Etc. It's a way of life and not a diet.
    1423 days ago
    oh my sweet Karen.
    I totally get how you are feeling. just today I decided "screw it. I had enough. I've tried everythiing and it's not working." Then i read about something and it piqued my interest and I'm gonna give it a try. Just because I had close encounters of a sweet kind with a box of Krispy Kremes, doesn't mean the world will end. It doesn' t mean that I have to give up, tail between my legs. Take a breather. Back off of being so hard on yourself for a day or two....but you've come a long way. Forty pounds is nothign to sneeze at. You should not be hating a lady who has accomplished so much. Instead give her a hug and tell her she can do this. One day at a time. One choice at a time. YOU CAN DO IT.
    1423 days ago
  • JKANT88
    I know how you feel. You have to work so hard just to lose one pound, but it only takes one bad choice and you gain it right back. It doesn't seem fair that tons of people don't even think about what they eat or have to feel this internal guilt with every bite, not matter if it is "good" or "bad". All I can say is that unfortunately, like the rest of us, this is our struggle and although there are many people out there and most of the media telling us that this is easy and to "just do this" or "just do that", like this is all so simple, we know better and we know that this is tough and you should never feel bad about struggling. Just don't give up! I know you can reach your goals!
    1423 days ago
    Oh do I feel for you! I do understand just where you are coming from! Really. I would just love to have a cup of coffee with you and *itch about it all! I get frustrated too...even though I have lost I still struggle with lots of what you are writing about. You have gotten so much good advice here...it is hard to know what to add. Here is what I do know though...I looked back to your page and to your tracker and counted that you have lost 40 pounds so far! That is huge! That is amazing! You have worked so hard to get here...don't forget what you have accomplished. Don't go backwards.

    I think perhaps if I were you I would try to mix things up some like people here have said as well as looking at what has really worked. Once in a while I try to go higher carb with lots of vegetables and it does seem to take the weight off faster...but I can't commit to it. Perhaps trying some of the things that others do like that could help. I am completely with you on moderation. I struggle with "just one"...I don't even know how people can be satisfied with one chocolate or one cookie! I have to go cold turkey on that kind of stuff because with certain things moderation does not work. I think you are a good cook...what if you got yourself started on a little cookbook of your own and got "obsessed" with making things taste good that fit into the lifestyle of losing weight? I bet you could do it.

    You are such a terrific person. I hate to see you feeling this way. Sure others may be eating in a not healthy way and not seeming to care about it but they will slowly gain and become as unhealthy as the food they are eating. You are so very important...important enough to keep fighting the good fight. You have gotten this far. I know you can do it. I want you around here and I want you healthy. Keep at it lady...just try looking at it in different ways... emoticon
    1423 days ago
  • WINNIE1978
    I still eat many of the foods that you mentioned... meatloaf, spaghetti, etc. I just find healthier ways to prepare them and/or eat less of them. I measure out 1 cup of noodles and add half a cup of sauce (with ground beef... I don't like the ground turkey either)... and then I have it with a side salad so that it's more filling. I may have to watch my calories a bit more for my other meals on some days, but that's better than never having my favorites.

    1424 days ago
    Check out the recipes in the SPARK cookbook and on the site. There are cways to have the things you love, just with a little variation. If you feel like you're suffering and depriving yourself, it is not going to work. You need, as suggested by others here, to find a way to modify your recipes and your eating habits and your exercise habits and do it long enough to have it become your new habits. It can happen.

    We've all felt the way you express here and many of us feel that way every now and then. The trick I've found is to find ways to circumvent the feelings of deprivation by finding alternative recipes that are healthy AND taste good. For example, the SPARK Macaroni and cheese in the new cookbook is fabulous. it isn't just like you used to make it, but good enough that you won't feel like you never get to eat Mac 'n Cheese again. You can make little pizzas on wholegrain flatbread that are tasty and much better for you. Spices are magical. I had a home ec teacher in high school who made us taste spices without knowing the names and decide what they'd go best with. it was a fabulous experience and left me feeling VERY confortable about adding spices. A good spice rack can make things go from bland to fabulous and be adventurous. Cinnamon is good on so many things - even some vegetables.

    Believe in yourself and that you can make your life healthier and longer. emoticon emoticon
    1424 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    I know how hard it is to find a diet (as in foods you eat) to satisfy the appetite as well as true hunger. It's doubly hard when one is in constant pain. As the day goes on the constant drain on our reserves doubles and triples everything - cravings, feelings, reactions.

    I can not say what is right for you in diet. However, I'm trying a new (for me) diet that seems to be working. I've added back whole foods like almonds (all nuts), beef, rice, cheese, etc. I have almost totally eliminated wheat. That includes breads, pastas, sauces with flour, cakes, etc. It took a couple of weeks (and I still have 1 meal a day with wheat products) but I feel better. Have little to no cravings for the unhealthy sweet stuff. I'm satisfied with well seasoned foods and fruit for sweet.

    This has been a long slow process for me (read over 8 years). I've been where you are. I'm finding new ways to look at things. Sometimes just changing the attitude makes a huge difference. I've been soda free for around 4 years now I think. But I tried to limit/quit drinking sodas unsuccessfully for 4 years before that. When I changed the words from NO soda to soda FREE my attitude and willpower changed. Suddenly I no longer felt deprived but
    accomplished when I finished a day without soda. I also started drinking only water & teas. I do drink carbonated water when I want that fizzy feeling now (after about 2 months without the uber sweet sodas my tastes changed and now I don't WANT to dink them.

    You can find your way. You are tired and frustrated and in pain. I wish you feelings of joy health and a lessening of your pain. **HUGS**

    1424 days ago
    I'm sending emoticon . I am a yo yo. I have been all my life & seems like I can't stay on healthy eating track either!
    I do think about it all the time. I can do without eating breakfast early though. I fill up on fluids in the morning & am usually never hungry until late morning. That's been a lifetime with me.
    Eggs are filling to me where oatmeal doesn't stick very long unless I pack it with nuts.
    I try to trick myself a lot but usually the evening is my downfall.
    Or cold weather! Or.........sigh...I have so many reasons why I fall flat! LOL
    So, this is just letting you know that I sympathize with you & you are NOT ALONE!
    I love real food too!
    Hugs, R
    1424 days ago
    I understand your frustration, many of us have been there. You're stuck very much in an all or nothing place, and right now your pendulum is on the nothing, outta gas, burned and don't want to do it anymore-- it makes sense, when you've lived a life full of rich, buttery, flavorful foods-- to force yourself to a place where you're not allowing yourself to enjoy any of them? That's a lot to ask of yourself, and it's pretty depressing when you think about it having to live the REST OF YOUR LIFE that way.

    It sounds like an attitude/perspective refresh is in order, with a review of your program-- and noting what is working and what is not. We're not all cut out of the same fabric-- and where one might be able to stay in control of their eating all day, another might graze lightly all day, reserving calories for the evening so that they can have a full serving of a real mac and cheese, or a full beef meatloaf.

    You need to make your sparkjourney fit your needs and desires, and spark is a tool to help you do that-- but it's only as useful as you make it in your life.

    Personally, I could not continue my sparkjourney if I thought that all of the foods I loved were no longer an option for me... so I had to look at my program and find ways to make those foods a possibility for me. I also had to be adventurous and try lots of new foods that I hadn't before, which was a happy discovery that there are some meals that are really well balanced that I love. I also learned that while spark is super duper " YOU MUST EAT BREAKFAST" every day, I find that for me, waiting until I'm hungry (after I've been up for about five hours) actually works better for me, and also allows me a brownie at the end of the night as a treat before bed.

    I also still have blow out days, and days where I eat less that what is required in the tracker-- it's not about following the spark program to the letter, it's about making the program work with me.

    You are your own unique bundle of genes and environment, an ancestral history and current state that all combine to make YOU uniquely YOU. You will find what works for you, if you listen to your body and don't be afraid to experiment! If you love buns with butter, play around with your numbers such that you can have 2 or three warmed buns with butter. You can do this. Once you find what works, this process won't be exhausting, it will be exciting!

    Mostly-- thank you for sharing, as this part of the journey is something that all of us experience, multiple times, as we move through this goal to health. You will make it through this and find what works for you.
    1424 days ago

    Your blog made me so sad. We've all been there. It's so frustrating...all the counting, checking, etc. It gets old! Trust me.

    This is exactly whey recently, I've changed my way of thinking. I want to put things in my body that make me feel good, not bad. When I eat crap, I feel like crap. I am tiring of feeling that way and I can see that you are too.

    Take one step back. If that means you eat terrible but get water in for 21 days, then so be it.

    You can do this and will get back on track. Reaching out to your SP friends makes the biggest difference. You know that! We're all here cheering you on but walking right beside you friend.

    "The ground we walk on, the plants and creatures, the clouds above constantly dissolving into new formations - each gift of nature possessing its own radiant energy, bound together by cosmic harmony." Ruth Bernhard
    1424 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012

    You're in discomfort and pain and worried about medicinal side effects. What does your physician say to all of this?

    What I'm reading is that you miss the comfort that comfort food brings. That you're struggling because you feel deprived you can't indulge.

    My dear, food is not going to make you feel better long-term. Not even short-term. It will just continue a vicious cycle that you don't need to be a party to.

    Find an alternative.

    No one says you have to eat in moderation. You have to find out what works best for you. And if you have to do a lot of discovery to determine that, so be it!


    1424 days ago
    Some days I'm sick of it too! But you know what? All that tracking and healthy eating really does work! I am proof of that. I used to be a size 20 and now I can wear a size 12, sometimes a size 10! I'll tell you what, that feels so much better than the taste of ANY food!

    How did I do it? I made small changes gradually. I made sure each small change I made was a permanent part of my life before I made any more changes. It took a long time to lose weight but it was worth it because the small changes made me feel less deprived.

    I still have days where I am loathe to track. I still have days where I overeat. But, because I have healthy habits firmly in place, I am able to have the healthy days outnumber the unhealthy days. YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1424 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Karen have you checked out Spark's make over recipes of all those old favorite comfort foods? Mac n cheese with real cheese, meatloaf, shepherd's pie, you name it, its there, and if you are using such good quality beef there is no reason to substitute it with something else. Most recipes just assume people are using the cheapest cut of meat/ hamburger, etc. to save money so they swap it out with chicken or turkey because its easy. As for flavor, you got to get on the spicing. There are all kinds out there and they don't cost one calorie. Roast your root veggies and add dill and rosemary, and toss with a small amount of oil in a bag to coat evenly -this is one of my favorite Chef meg recipes. There are really no bad foods, just have to mind the portions is all. One thing most of us do is love to eat. Unfortunately, we let it get out of hand and its no longer just fueling our bodies, but fullfilling our emotional needs and that is where the trouble and overeating comes in.
    I suspect you are a lot like I was and still am at times in dealing with the pain, discomfort and disability of our disease. Sometimes I let my frustrations out and have a box of pasta or a big bag of my favorite salted snack followed by a choclate chaser. I am far from perfect, I feel a lot of pain and frustration but I am trying to find outlets other than food for it. The bridge club keeping me so busy is a double edged sword -sometimes I can't think of anything else and then I resent not having any 'me' time and especially no time with my Mom because my management commitment has to come first :( I suggest you need to find things to do to take your mind off food, boredom and the grinding pain. I am lucky I can usually exercise and it makes me feel better. I don't know if you can scour Spark's exercise videos seated and otherwise and find something you can do. If the arthritis is not in your upper body so much, what about focusing on strength training and ab work? Engage in online games that keep you so busy you can't think of food and it challenges your mind to concentrate. Research your geneology. Do a volunteer job out of your home. Earn points and rewards doing online surveys.
    When our bodies are failing us, we must use our minds. Time to think on it and see what you can do. keep pushing and never give up. There is something out there for everyone. Even I found my niche when I thought my life was over at age 24 with no hope for a future.
    You can do it!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    emoticon We are PRACTICING new, healthy habits. Some will stick, others take more time. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Have you thought about trying the cookbook or online recipes? Do you notice some breakfast choices are more filling and satisfying? Do you have a selection of go-to snacks (mine is 0% fat Greek yogurt)?
    Set yourself a time limit on the computer and DO other things - maybe try Coach Nicole's exercise videos...
    Don't give up! You are worth it! emoticon emoticon
    1425 days ago
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