OK, here I go.
The entire past month, I've dreaded going to my sister's wedding. Why? I'm a selfish bastard. I did not want to face relatives that I haven't seen in years (10+) and let them see that I've turned into an obese man. To add insult to injury, my family was with me and that added additional stress to my experience. They were going to judge me, laugh at me, feel sorry for my family, all the crap that they've done during my early years. I was terrified and embarrassed about what I've come; to my son and to my wife. An extremely hurtful anticipatory trip indeed. In a nutshell, I didn't want to face reality while my family was completely excited about the wedding, the trip and staying in a city that is fun and beautiful. How was I going to handle this? I pondered pulling an anxiety attack and staying home, I even thought about lying to my family and saying that I had a horrible cold and that they should go without me. I did none of those. But all is not good on the western front.
The morning of the flight, I began to stress. Palpitations, rapid heart beat, moody Dave and bitchy Dave began his drama; kind of pathetic actually.
I parked the car and prepared for the point of no return. Where I locked the car and made my way into the security area. THAT was the point where I realized that I was going to see these people and either feel embarrassed or just face the music so to speak.
As I made my way onto the plane, I actually fit into the seat and was able to NOT use a seatbelt extender on my trip. OK, so I was a little happy. Actually a lot...
As the plane took off, my mind went 100000000 an hour thinking about how I'd face my Aunt, Uncle, cousins, their spouses, my new BIL's parents and their other son. To top it off, this a mixed marriage so my new BIL has two teenagers that would surely make fun of me and laugh their asses off at my obesity. Yes, it's true, I was a mess. This obesity has turned me into a shut in and a person that (my family has mentioned this numerous times) would rather stay at home rather than meet new people or socialize. I am embarrassed at myself; there I said it. I am ashamed of who I am and it affects my ability to properly function. As I write this, I am actually getting these feelings again; those of shame, sadness and anger....all mixed into one ugly mess in my head.
To top it off, as I entered my sister's house, her roommate in college who I had a crush on YEARS ago (25+ years) was there. She was the same fit woman, all grown up. And here I was, the big depressed mess of mass and anxiety. I was caught off guard big time. But you women are nice, you never insult us in front of our faces, you smile, hug and say how nice it is to see us after all those years, but I know the truth; your laughter and gossip will soon be on Facebook and Dave's fat will be a public laugh fest in no time.
Then the wedding; Saturday morning. As we were waiting for my Aunt, Uncle and all the other guests, I was literally panicking. THERE they were. People started entering the wedding site and coming over to hug and kiss me. What were they thinking, what will they say?, how will they broadcast this to the world. I was a mess. My entire life was shattered during the wedding. There I was, the proud brother, father and husband, sweating and wondering how people were judging me. I royally screwed up this experience for myself. I am a good actor though. I smiled, kissed, hugged, shook hands and never let on that I was an internal mess. The reception was over, my Aunt (who is a saint), came over and gave me a huge hug. She was so sincere like she's always been and whispered that it was so nice to see me and my family - know she meant it and I will never forget that hug. The last time I saw her was at MY wedding 18 years ago and almost 100 pounds lighter. I could have melted in her arms; she's always been sincere and has sent me birthday cards well into my 30's and 40's but somehow we lost touch recently. I am not on Facebook due to my anxiety and stress, so nobody knows what I look like. Spark people is the only place I am visible with a picture. Partly because I have the 'protection' of people who know the struggle and pain of being obese.
There. An unadulterated version of my weekend. I am happy to be home in the comfort of my sheltered lifestyle. I hope that the next many months change my outlook as I continue to get healthy and lose weight. Thanks for listening to this rant of anxiety and letting go. Family times are difficult and I'm not sure why. This has always been the case no matter what.
Love my friends here.
You guys don't judge and accept me for who I am. Hopefully, I can overcome this disorder one day and be proud of myself once again.