Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Back in 2006, I got down to 185 pounds - my lowest adult weight. But it didn't take many months for me to see the scale creeping back up.
At this time, I happened to write a lot about my weight frustrations in a journal. I'd like to reprint some of these and then follow them up with my completely 180 view of being 205 pounds.
October 14, 2007 - "I have gotten hideously fat. 205 pounds is NOT where I want to be come graduation. I need to start pulling back, but I can't do it alone (God? Now would be a good time)."
November 4, 2007 - "I feel incredibly fat. I have half-heartedly attempted to restore to my WW [Weight Watchers] book, but I have faltered. I know what my problem is - too much junk food. But I have *got* to be under 185 by graduation. I know I can't do it myself."
November 8, 2007 - "I have made an oath to get back on WW. I have 220 days to lose over 30 lbs and need to get on it NOW. I feel fat, chunky, and not sexy. How will I attract a man if I don't take care of my looks?" (God, what a misogynistic a-hole I was!)
November 14, 2007 - "I am 207 and feel like an inflated balloon. So no new clothes until I get below 200. I want to be able to wear last year's Christmas attire this year, but last year, I was thinner. I wish I could become bulimic or anorexic some days. I guess I need to chew more gum (or eat less while watching TV)." (This one makes me cry, thinking how I *wanted* an eating disorder to be thin!!)
January 19, 2008 - "I am still fat and ugly. No changes there."
February 10, 2008 - " I lost 2 pounds, but I have probably gained it back this past week (it was bad)."
February 20, 2008 - " WW, I get started on, come home, and can't stop eating. And I need to start losing weight or my graduation photos will be atrocious (but they will be anyway)."
March 3, 2008 - "I also want to lose weight. I am trying to have confidence and not doubt weight loss. I got this idea from my daily Bible reading. If I don't doubt, then I can accomplish almost anything."
April 27, 2008 - "I got off WW (had been doing well up to that point), so I am surprised I fit into anything."
One of the things I am absolutely stunned about in my comments was how negative I was. I wanted desperately to lose weight, but I honestly didn't believe I would ever be able to lose any weight. I was constantly feeling fat and ugly, instead of loving my body for what it was and remembering that (at this point), I *HAD* lost 25 pounds and kept it off. In fact, I really didn't believe I could be pretty unless I was thin, as my February 20, 2008 entry painfully reflects.
I am also aghast at how I felt a man would only love me if I was thin, the only way to be pretty. While I don't doubt that men are visually stimulated, I didn't need to be a size 2 to attract a guy's attention. Furthermore, my own well-being and self-esteem were WAY more important than being sexy for a guy - no WONDER I never had a boyfriend!!
Fast forward to 5 years later. I am finally back to my college graduation weight, 205 pounds. But I'm no longer the pessimistic senior who thinks that being thin is the only way to have self confidence and to love her body, to attract the attention of a man and to make herself into something to be admired.
I am a nearly 30 year old woman, who loves herself as she is. No, I'm not happy with my weight, but I'm not losing weight just to get that elusive Size 4, which will magically make life better - I'm losing weight for my health, so I can do the things I want with those that I love. After I've lost my weight, I know I won't automatically look like Scarlett Johannsen or Kate Winselt or Kim Kardashian - I will look like ME. And ME is sexy and wonderful just the way she is.