Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Today has been wonderful, my lesson plan went just as I had hoped, everything I wanted to discuss was brought up, everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves, which is good.
My little kitten is doing better today, this morning I woke up with him attacking me, so I know he has made some recovery! I didn't write about what happened because I am so deeply ashamed at myself that I didn't really want to admit it.
Amuro was climbing on my towel the other day and I corrected him about 5 times before I finally picked him up and looked at him and said, "No!" pretty loudly, because I heard that loud noises will scare them away from whatever they are getting in to. Then I tossed him out of the bathroom on to my bed so I could finish cleaning his litter box... Unfortunately, he must have landed wrong because he could barely stand for the last two days. It wasn't violent or any rougher than I've done before. I try to be so gentle with him. I think I can now say that it was an accident and those things happened... it could have been something he landed on or his own extra energy he put in to flailing around on the flight there... (It was only maybe a 3-foot toss).
Anyway, I've been having a lot of trouble with this, I keep thinking that I might have done something I didn't realize I was doing because I was annoyed... Did I grab him really hard? I don't think so, but my memory is so clouded now that I've gone over it again and again... Maybe I was so upset that I tossed him harder than I meant to? Maybe I really scared him by facing him toward me when I said no? Last night he was getting spooked by quick movements or loud noises. My heart is just breaking. I'm the kind of person who wells up when I see a bug hit my windshield.
So I spent the first day crying and not eating. We took him to the vet and they said it must just be some soft tissue damage. I still feel like a monster for hurting a resiliant, sweet little kitten. So I've skipped my workout two days in a row now. The second day, yesterday, I just ate really easy, crummy food. Got a Wendy's kid's meal for dinner. Emotionally, today I feel so much better because he was being his normal kitty self, tearing around my bedroom and attacking my feet to wake me up. He will still come up to me and cuddle with me of his own accord, so I don't think he's mad at me. Just thinknig about it now, though, makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.
Anyway, that has been mostly occupying my mind these past couple of days. I haven't kept up my usual cheerful attitude. I think I may just need a couple days of break to process and forgive myself... At least I wasn't being malicious, trying to hurt him, or anything. In my head, I remember trying to keep calm about him not learning a lesson, I was trying to hold him gently as usual, and I was trying to aim him feet first onto a soft landing spot. Whatever happened that hurt him wasn't meant to hurt him.
That first day I was considering giving him to someone who was more capable of taking care of a cat (as I've never had one before). I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling incredibly guilty.
My honey has told me to remember that it was an accident and these things happen, that he thinks I am usually too gentle with correcting him, and that he won't hold it against me.
So- this has made it hard for me to focus on my weight-loss plan in light of everything else. I didn't even want to leave the room the whole time he was just sleeping in his little bed, and I woke up throughout the night the to keep checking on him. I don't know if I'm being that crazy cat lady treating my cat like my kid, if I'm being too easy on myself and I deserve some sort of punishment, or if I am having a normal response to an accident like this.
The positive note to end on is that today he is being a wild little terror as usual, doing his little kitty things, attacking me, and purring like an insane, broken mower or something. I just love him so much I hated seeing him in pain, especially from something I caused. Bleh.