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Warning: Debbie Downer post ahead!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I'm starting to feel like maybe I should throw out a warning each time I add a blog entry. They aren't inspirational. They aren't encouraging. But oh my gosh... they're honest. So if you're looking for something to encourage you and uplift you, don't read this. STOP READING NOW! If you're still reading, well... here it is. I am extremely depressed. And I don't know why but food makes me feel better, at least while I'm eating it. But lets face the facts. I'm 31 years old, married and I still have 2 children with me here on this earth. If I don't change what I'm doing, I am going to die. And sometimes I don't care. Isn't that horrible? Yes it is but as I said, I'm honest. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of suicide. (Though ironically enough, I guess I'm killing myself with food.) I love my children fiercely. But sometimes I think of all the stuff my parents did right and they still died. I think of everything I did while I was pregnant to ensure that my baby would be healthy, and she died. So sometimes I think I just don't care. We're all going to die anyway. So why not have M&M's and pizza? I know, I know, this is an entirely screwed up way of thinking. I know that what I eat will pretty much determine the quality of my life. I know all of that. But it doesn't help with the depression. And I don't think the pills do either. I'm sure my doctor meant well when he prescribed them but I don't think they are helping much. I don't think I have any chemical imbalances that cause depression. I think I just had a really really really crappy year. Those pills won't go back in time and save my parents or my child. They won't take away the nightmares or the tears. How could a prescription fix this? I'm guessing it won't but I suppose there is minimal harm in trying. So here I am with all of this running around in my head and I decided to just unload it here. I figure it's a "safe" place where no one I personally know will see it and realize just how screwed up I am. And also... well, I have to get all this out somehow but really my Facebook friends don't need to know all of this, I don't know how to start a blog of my own, and I think typing is easier than writing. So here it is. My thoughts for now. I think I may try to do this everyday. The good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe if I just get it all out it will help me in some way. I have to pull out of this funk and get back on track.
P.S. my user name was originally just a joke, a pun on my very polish and long last name but now it seems to be fitting, doesn't it?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I would suggest trying another medication and make sure that you are seeing a therapist. It took me a few tries to get a medicine that helped and talking to a therapist sure gives me someone to unload on and she gives me good advice.
    1695 days ago
    Thank you both. It really means a lot that you haven't belittled me and that you've taken the time to encourage me.
    1696 days ago
    If it's any help I do understand. I'm sorry your beautiful baby died. You are going through something awful. I promise you will feel better. Of course you will never forget and it doesn't make any sense. Jaimesized is right, this is a safe place to write it all out.

    Sometimes people don't know what to say and they say stupid things because of that. You're not screwed up anymore than anyone else. You've got a great sense of humor and I'm pretty sure you're going to be okay.

    1696 days ago
    This is a good place to put down all your feelings... you were entirely right about this being a "safe" place to post. I honestly don't have much advice for you, because I'm not really registered in that field, but I did want to say that I read your blog, and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wish I knew the ways of happiness myself, but the way I keep myself on top these days is by thinking about how many important people love me, and knowing that at the end of the day, those M&M's and pizza won't make me feel any better.
    1696 days ago
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