Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I'm starting to feel like maybe I should throw out a warning each time I add a blog entry. They aren't inspirational. They aren't encouraging. But oh my gosh... they're honest. So if you're looking for something to encourage you and uplift you, don't read this. STOP READING NOW! If you're still reading, well... here it is. I am extremely depressed. And I don't know why but food makes me feel better, at least while I'm eating it. But lets face the facts. I'm 31 years old, married and I still have 2 children with me here on this earth. If I don't change what I'm doing, I am going to die. And sometimes I don't care. Isn't that horrible? Yes it is but as I said, I'm honest. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of suicide. (Though ironically enough, I guess I'm killing myself with food.) I love my children fiercely. But sometimes I think of all the stuff my parents did right and they still died. I think of everything I did while I was pregnant to ensure that my baby would be healthy, and she died. So sometimes I think I just don't care. We're all going to die anyway. So why not have M&M's and pizza? I know, I know, this is an entirely screwed up way of thinking. I know that what I eat will pretty much determine the quality of my life. I know all of that. But it doesn't help with the depression. And I don't think the pills do either. I'm sure my doctor meant well when he prescribed them but I don't think they are helping much. I don't think I have any chemical imbalances that cause depression. I think I just had a really really really crappy year. Those pills won't go back in time and save my parents or my child. They won't take away the nightmares or the tears. How could a prescription fix this? I'm guessing it won't but I suppose there is minimal harm in trying. So here I am with all of this running around in my head and I decided to just unload it here. I figure it's a "safe" place where no one I personally know will see it and realize just how screwed up I am. And also... well, I have to get all this out somehow but really my Facebook friends don't need to know all of this, I don't know how to start a blog of my own, and I think typing is easier than writing. So here it is. My thoughts for now. I think I may try to do this everyday. The good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe if I just get it all out it will help me in some way. I have to pull out of this funk and get back on track.
P.S. my user name was originally just a joke, a pun on my very polish and long last name but now it seems to be fitting, doesn't it?