Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I've been thinking about "perfectionism" lately in light of continued difficulties with urges to eat. Every time I set goals, I end up in intense struggles with food. It's as if some sort of Beast rears up and fights back. Yeah, I know, sounds like addiction. Which is the other issue I have been exploring and struggling to manage.
I would not have said I was a perfectionist some short time ago but it is clear that I am. The primary symptom seems to be beating myself up for not being 100%. It is difficult to counteract, as everywhere I look someone is urging me to do my best ... and deep down I apparently believe "my best" has got to equal "100%".
I KNOW intellectually that this is not only NONSENSE but a SET-UP for chronic struggles with simply being human! I can be really accepting and supportive of others but when I practice the same process on me up rears the Beast and I am dancing around in these struggles with urges and shame and confusion. I suspect myself of a streak of narcissistic personality disorder (google that; it is interesting reading)!
So, I Spark along, waver in and out of tracking food, and work out maximally daily. The working out really, really helps! Wow! I like it!
If only eating sanely were as enjoyable and "easy"!