Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Growing up and until my first child, I was always the skinny girl. I was ashamed of how skinny I was and felt that I was awkward. I wanted the curves my sister and friends had. I was teased about how skinny I was which led to body image problems. Even when I would gain 10 or so pounds in my late teens and early 20s, I could easily lose the weight. Since I really never had to struggle with being over-weight I never had to watch what I ate. I would eat all day long somedays and others maybe one meal the whole day. I actually had to gain weight to join the military when I was 21.
While in the military I had my first child. I gained over 50lbs during my pregnancy and within 3 months had lost the extra weight. I was still heavier than what I wanted to be at this point. When I joined the military I weight 105lbs, I was weighing 135lbs when I became pregnant. I was fretting over being 135lbs and hated that I had gained 30lbs in 2 years. I tried to explain to myself that my metabolism was slowing down because my eating habits had become normal finally. But even with the 30lb gain I was nowhere overweight. I was in the perfect weight range for my height and age plus my activity. So I was actually at the perfect weight for myself, yet I had body image problems once again.
Then I became pregnant with my second child. I had been discharged from the military at this point. So no more free gyms and hour and half of work out time each day. I had also moved back to my husband's home state and city. Needless to say, his family is not the healthies eating bunch. Plus I worked half an hour from any large town and home. I fell into a great big depression and gained over 50lbs with my second pregnancy. Unlike the first, I did not lose the weight very fast. I actually only lost half of the weight. I was at 155lbs and really hating my body and lack of control.
Through the years my weight has fluctuated from 145lbs to 190lbs. My second child is now 16 and I am at 175lbs. I have tried every workout dvd known to man. I have joined countless gyms. I have bought countless gym equipment. My obesession with my weight has been in the forefront of my thoughts for 16 years now. I have tried LA Weightloss, WW, and Ediets. I decided to try sparkpeople to utilize the calorie tracker and exercise tracker. I do great for 2 weeks and then I become annoyed with tracking everything I eat. I have become obsessed with food and exercise. If I go over my calories, I am depressed. If I don't exercise, I am depressed. The battle to overcome my fat demon inside is an ongoing assault on my senses.
I just want to obtain a happy balance with myself. I know that I can never be the skinny girl again, but I would like to be a healthy 42 year old who does not fight with her fat demon.