why do I want to sabotage myself?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I am having a battle with myself. I am eating 1500 calories a day. I walk every day. I do weights twice a week and I do my elliptical at least three times a week. I keep wanting to have diet mentality. I do not weigh and I do not know how much I have lost in eight months. I keep thinking I am losing about five pounds a month and that is too slow. I want to lose 10 pounds a month. I have lost 100 pounds a couple of times in 10 months but I never learned how to maintain. I would put the weight back on. I feel like I need to eat 1200 or 1300 hundred calories so maybe I will lose faster. I know that I feel bad, am cranky, nervous at that low calorie. I feel great at 1500 calories and am getting more fruits and vegetables. I feel like time is running out and I need to lose the weight faster but yet everything in me says keep doing the way you are doing and one day you will be to a healthy weight. It really does not matter if it takes years and years because what am I going to change with my eating? Nothing! Maybe some more fruits and vegetables but that is it. I have always dieted and then got off the diet and gained it back.
Now I know I will eat the way I am eating for the rest of my life. I just wish I could lose this mentality of wanting to "diet" the way I use to do. I see the results of that way of life and I don't like it. It has been a struggle lately. I got off of all processed sugar and that is a big blessing. I eat fruit and my sweet of choice is two dates a day. I will some days eat an apple, banana and two dates. I went through a spell a couple of weeks ago that I got it in my head I needed to cut out the fruit. It was too much sugar. Well I was a cranky old bear and I was wanting to overeat.
My husband asked what was I doing different and I told him about the fruit. He advised me to go back to the way I was eating and see how that was. I did and sure enough I settled right down and did not want to overeat and I was a lot calmer. I really am thinking I am trying to mess up what I have achieved in the last eight months. I wonder why I want to mess up what is working. I have done that so many times. I hope blogging about this will let me see what I am doing and stop trying to fix something that is working.