Wednesday, March 27, 2013
So again, another Spark blogger has inspired some thinking. For a while now I've been pestered by a nagging self doubt: is pursuing a healthier lifestyle really just a disdain for who I am now?
Let me clarify, I like who I am. I love my life. I never hold off on pursuing dreams until I've reached a goal weight, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing NOW. BUT, I often feel judged. Whether it's real or just in my head as I suspect it sometimes is, people think less of me for being heavy (277 lbs) and I resent them bitterly for it.
I've tried to imagine what they think of me: "she must drink a LOT of beer to be that size", "guess she eats a LOT of potato chips in front of the tv", "her house must be a sty", "maybe if she cooked once in a while" - the list really is endless.
Then I think of my defense: I rarely drink anything other than water, ;milk, and 1 diet coke a day. I add bran to my cereal! We have chip night once a week! My house isn 't Martha Stewart perfect but it's liveable and I cook at least 5 nights a week, if not 6 and sometimes even 7.
It recently occurred to me that this game is holding me back. (It was a "duh!" moment) For one, people are not likely judging me as harshly as I am judging myself. That's just it, I'm projecting the self doubt I have. This game is preventing me from taking a honest and encompassing look at my lifestyle and from making real changes. I grew up in a highly critical family and community, and yes my weight was the topic of much criticism, I come by these suspicions honestly! It's just that now is the time to confront the voices in my head, to replace them with a new mantra founded in the present.
I'm learning to accept myself NOW, in the PAST, and in the FUTURE. Pursuing a healthier lifestyle isn't self-betrayal, it isn't "giving in" to those voices (real or imagined). I admit I am still working on the notion, but I am learning self acceptance. I am replacing those voices in my head.