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What do I want...

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I don't know... You all must think I'm the wishiest, washiest person on this site, and I don't blame you. I weigh just what I did one year ago and I'm up 4 pounds from my lowest weight. I can't say that I've been busting my butt... I can't say that my eating has been stellar... the ONLY thing I can say is that I've maintained my 137 pound weight loss for 1 year.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm SUPER happy about it, but I'm frustrated because I can't find the motivation to go any further. The excitement of being "this size" is gone... I've been this size for a year. The thrill of being able to "do things" is over... I can do things I never thought imaginable... and I've been doing them for a year.

I get all excited, get back into things, it lasts a whole week, and then I'm all... eh, what ever... What IS that?!? Where's my drive? What happened to the girl who was SO dedicated that she freaked if she gained 3oz? NOW, I gain 6lbs, and shrug it off. Work out, eat right, it's gone in a few weeks.

Have I given up? It's hard losing the last 25 pounds... Am I happy with where I am? I'm not sure... Do I think my goal is unattainable? Maybe... Do I REALLY need to fit into those size 8 jeans? They don't look nearly as small as they used to...

Maybe I've just gotten lazy. Maybe I really don't want or care to lose the rest of the weight. I've already changed my life and I'm healthier than I've ever been. I know this is a lifestyle, and I think I've been able to actually live my life for the last year and maintain that healthy lifestyle.

Maybe I just need to adjust my thinking. Maybe it isn't about losing weight at this point... maybe it needs to be about getting stronger and faster. Maybe I just need to continue eating right most of the time, continue to ST and keep up on my 5k's. Does it matter if I lose another ounce... I don't know...

If anyone's still reading, I love you guys emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ACCT1908
    OMG. Can i just copy and paste this blog! I'm the same weight I was this time last year and up 15lbs from my lowest. I cant seem to STICK with it. I think I'[m being complacent but yet at the same time I want to "finish".

    SIGH. All we can do is hang in there and enjoy LIFE! You rock!
    1807 days ago
    I posted this comment to BOILHAM's 3/26 blog. His Blog is very much worth reading.
    ".... I agree and very much think that if anyone exercises 150 minutes a week and at least 3 times a week and tosses in some ST, that person will achieve a level of fitness and aerobics and weight stability that will yield a healthy, all around decent sense of well being."
    So I ask, do you have a good sense of well being? Sounds like you have.
    Here is the link to BOILHAM's page. https://wfl.sparkpeople.com/mypage_

    1812 days ago
    137 pound weight loss? Off? Gone? FABULOUS!!

    Now THAT is what you have to remember! xoxo
    1813 days ago
  • AME4IT
    you are doing a fabulous job - 137 pound loss in phenomenal. keep your head up and emoticon . emoticon .
    1817 days ago
    Some other folks have said this but maybe pick a new goal for a little while. Keep eating well but make the focus something different. A new goal time for a 5K, miles per month, weight lifted, something different to work towards that will continue to support the weight loss goals but shift your attention and fire you up again.

    For me...I'm trying to focus on the fitness part because I have a couple hikes I want to do this summer and a half marathon in the fall. I hate being squooshy but somehow my interest in wine and steak over rides that on a fequent basis...and I get cranky when I"m always saying no! My alternative is to accept slow variable weight loss (rolling my eyes) and focus on getting my butt moving more.

    1819 days ago
    I have many of the same feelings, and I am thinking it's probably pretty normal. I feel like I am constantly having set backs. It's hard to stay on track when you're sick or something. I go for long periods of time just maintaining, and it seems like I am pretty good at that. I do think it's a good sign that you're in a weight range you can maintain. I struggle all the time with just wanting to maintain because to lose lately, I really have to work extremely hard. There is no wiggle room for eating out anymore. It's hard to be normal. It kinda sucks, so I totally understand how you're feeling. Even if the scale isn't where you want it to be, you look amazing!
    1819 days ago
    You shedded a ton a weight that's something to be so proud of. If you are happy don't worry about that 25 lbs, if your not find what will motivate you. Maybe it's a new swimsuit, or a dress, or doing something really fun. Give yourself some goals maybe. But don't beat yourself up for being happy where you are. It's still amazing.
    1820 days ago
    Wow! You have received quite a lot of in depth comments!

    I would just add:

    :¦:-* ♥ ~ Hugs and congratulations to one of the most inspirational Sparkers here!
    (¨`•.•´¨) ```
    `•.¸ (¨ `•.•´¨) ♥♥†♥♥
    (¨`•.•´¨) ¸.•´
    ``•.¸.•´ ~~

    I am so ready to achieve a significant weight loss and then plateau and get frustrated with it!! I'll let you know what I do about it when I get there!!


    (¯`♥´¯) .♥.•*¨`*♫.♥
    .´*.¸.•´♥ We can do it one day at a time!!

    ¸¸.•´¸.•*¨) ♥¸.•*¨)
    (¸.•´ .♥ (¸.•´ .♥ (¸.•*´¨`* ♥☆¸.•*´¨`*♥☆
    `*♥☆ Keep Spreading the Spark!!!

    1820 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/29/2013 12:21:13 PM
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    You are emoticon and I think you should just be happy and live each day in a happy and healthy way. The weight will come off if that is what you want.

    What you have accomplished is emoticon AMAZING and keeping it off for a year is something VERY rare. So emoticon celebrate YOU!

    emoticon Cookie
    1820 days ago
    You are amazing & I love you!
    We need to find some fire... I'm with you all the way!
    1821 days ago
    I completely identify with your blog. Although I haven't had the same experience with the weight you lost -- which, by the way - is amazing! Way to go! I have the same ebb and flow, wishy-washy-ness you do. I'm all for it one week, and ready to just do nothing the next. I think I've figured out I was too focused on the end result and not the process. And because of that, I was missing out on the point and the fulfillment. I'm still working it out, looking for whatever that was that sparked me before. Reading your blog reminds me to find the things I like to do and just do them, the rest will fall into place. Remember that you are not alone. I forget sometimes and I'm glad I stay connected with SP. Good luck and hugs!
    1821 days ago
    Heh. I feel like I could have written this blog. I've been super complacent about my weight. I think I've maintained my 60 pound loss for about a year. I'm so close to being out of the obese BMI range but I am not doing what I need to do to drop a few more pounds. I hope we both find our motivation soon!
    1821 days ago
    Hugssssss! Holly you have done something INCREDIBLE with yourself! 137 gone and stayed gone?! My goodness, take a second to pat yourself on the back right now!

    Could it be that you are comfortable? Maybe you don't need to be 25 lbs. lighter if you are happy with yourself right now? Have you kind of fallen into one of those "comfortable ruts" perhaps? Just a suggestion!

    And guess what?! Summer is coming! You're going to want to get outside and run around and feel the sunshine. My guess is that you may start feeling a little more motivated?

    And NO ONE is 100% perfect 100% of the time. No one is always hyped up with motivation. If anyone says that they are - LIES! You've just got to go with the flow and encourage the flow sometimes (help it along) when it gets a little blocked up!

    You rock girlfriend!
    1821 days ago
    Hi there. :)

    So I think that motivation is an ebb and flow thing. I'd love to tell you that I'm always 100% motivated but that would be dishonest. Some days are better than others.

    I'd keep your current current lack of motivation and frustration in perspective - you've lost a PHENOMENAL amount of weight! And KEPT it off. That's pretty fantastic in my mind.

    My opinion is that you just focus on the activities you enjoy. If it is running, then run and enjoy it. If it is... umm... tennis, then play it and enjoy it. That 25 pounds, if it is something that you really want to lose, might just take a good long while to come off - particularly if you are close to your "ideal" weight (ugh... not a big fan of that, but you get the idea)... in the mean time, it is quite awesome just to be alive and be healthier than you were in the past, right? I think so.

    Anyhow, that's my opinion... focus on enjoying your activities, don't think so much about the weight and work on being stronger/faster. I'm sure others have different opinions. I was short on time and didn't get a chance to real everyone else's ideas. I'm sure there are some good ones.

    Make it a great day!
    1821 days ago
    Wow This is why spark people is so wonderful. Firstly Congrats on maintaining a healthy weight for one year. Also losing so much weight befor that.Your blog is a wonderful example of the choices and decissions we need to make and the support there is on this site. I am unable to comment on what you should do or if you should or when you should lose more. There are many who have got to goal and maintained who have commented and will comment. As you know i am still on the road losing still have lots to lose to catch up to you. Seeing what you are debating helps me stay on track and know it can be done. You have done it. Good luck on what you decide to do and know you have my support with the decissions you make!!!
    1821 days ago
    GIRL you have lost 137 LBS... that is not someone who is lazy or something to shrug off! I can relate to what you feel, but I am farther from goal that you are! When I was 320LBS everything was SO HARD. (which you can relate to) sometimes it is easy to get comfortable and BE HAPPY with where we are. The key is that you are happy. If you are happy where you are then more power to you!

    I am so inspired by your journey and success!! emoticon emoticon
    1821 days ago
    I think you freakin' ROCK lady! To maintain & lose that much weight is AAAMAZING! I have always been motivated by your success! You are right, it is about you finding your happy place for YOU!!! Celebrate your success and determine what defines your "happy"... BIG HUGS my friend!
    1821 days ago
  • KELLY19770
    You've maintained for a year? That is wonderful and why most of us continue to be overweight: we don't maintain. So you are doing the hard part!
    Be proud of yourself, and think back to where you came from. I'm proud of you! emoticon
    1822 days ago
    I wish I knew, and could give you, the answers. I haven't been where you are. I hope to be within 25 pounds of my goal. I'm getting closer.

    I have a friend who is thin as a rail and very weight conscious--saying that she jumps on the scale a couple of times a day. Today we were talking about the weight and fitness thing and I realized, at some point, I've got to let go of the number. It's just a number that signifies nothing in the end. I expect to get to the point where the number no longer matters and it ends up being more about the measurements--measurements of my body size, measurements of how far I can run, how much body fat I still have floating around. I know I'll never get to the weight the chart says I should be. I want my body to have curves--feminine curves. However, I also want to be tough as nails. I no longer want to be limited in any way.

    If you're happy where you are Holly, then maintain until you get the passion to strive toward another goal. Don't "should" on yourself without really thinking it through. Why do you think you "should" lose another 25 pounds? Only you hold the answers. We're behind you no matter what you decide to do. The important thing is to maintain the healthy lifestyle you've learned and focus on honing that, either in maintenance or loss mode.

    You are one of my SparkHeroes, Holly, and I am so happy to have you as a friend. You will still be my SparkHero if you decide to maintain at this weight or if you decide to pick up the torch and carry on. I love reading your blogs and getting your comments.

    It's so much easier to see clearly when you are looking from the outside in. I have no doubt you can get that extra 25 pounds off if you really want.
    1822 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/27/2013 2:17:50 PM
  • MISSB8604
    Girl, in my eyes you are absolutely amazing and I think we all agree in that. I TOTALLY understand what you mean about those last few pounds, but what you should do is really think and see if those last 25lbs is what you REALLY want. What will make you happy?
    I’m beyond proud of you for maintaining your weight loss for over a year, a lot of people cannot say that.
    Do some soul searching and make the best decision for YOU and no one else. This is YOUR journey, YOU say what you want to happen and how you want to go forward. Just know that you’re not alone and you’ve got our support every step of the way.

    1822 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm not close to my goal weight but I'm experiencing that "blah" feeling today! I do know that we can do whatever we put our minds too! emoticon emoticon
    1822 days ago
    Being able to maintain your loss is fantastic! I hope to be able to say I have maintained my 100+ loss this time next year.

    Try switching things up. Try something you didn't have any interest in before. Maybe that will be the spark you need.

    Good luck and be sure and let us know how you are doing!!

    1822 days ago
    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've felt kinda blah before, too. One of my new favorite quotes is, "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right!" So, keep pushing and don't stop until you get what you want!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1822 days ago
  • GABY1948
    GREAT blog...thanks for sharing your thoughts! emoticon
    1822 days ago

    At this point it's about being happy. If you are happy with where you are that's great. When you put a 'Goal" number out there it's just that a number. If you have erased your health problems. feel fit enough to tackle life then you are at goal! You have lost 137 pounds. that is something to be very proud of. Do not let this last 25 pounds get you down. I have been in the same spot as you for the past year I am a few pounds heavier than I was last year at thins time. and I am about 24 lbs from "Goal". I am living the real goal now though . the goal to be happy, healthy and complete on a daily basis. So teh 24 lbs will come off or they won't. It won't take away form what I have accomplished. it doesn't mean I don't work hard or am lazy. Right now enjoying the awesome life I have is way more important than 24 lbs to me. You are one of my biggest inspirations on this site. you have done something incredible. Whether you lose 25 more pounds or not!

    emoticon emoticon
    1822 days ago
    You and your success are such an inspiration, don't let a little dip in motivation make you feel bad. If you can say you are HAPPY with where you are right now then that is where you need to be and maybe like you said the focus should be more on another type of goal like a fitness goal and not so much a weightloss goal. You are AWESOME!
    1822 days ago
    You are such an inspiration!
    1822 days ago
  • 123ELAINE456
    Congratulations on maintaining your 137 Weight Loss for over a Year. Only You knows the answers to your question. I would read the other blogs and hopefully you will get some insight to the things that may help you. Be happy and Proud of Yourself for all your Accomplishments and Goals You Have Met. You Are doing Great. We are here for You. God Blessings to Everyone. Have a Wonderful Week. Take Care.
    1822 days ago
    "If you are not motivated to continue to lose, you won't BUT if you continue to be your healthiest, continue your exercise and continue to challenge yourself, if you continue to maintain and you ARE satisfied, who can say you are not at your best, the best for you? THis can only be answered by you. Dig deep, and ask yourself if you are finished. If you don't know, you're not."

    She took the words right out of my mouth. Congrats on the 137 lbs! That is successful in and of itself.
    1822 days ago
    congrats for maintaining a 137 pound loss for a year keep it up
    1822 days ago
    First of all...you look FANTASTIC! You are living the life and that's what changing our lifestyle is all about! It's really not supposed to be frustrating; counting calories, watching the scale and having emotional breakdowns when we gain. It's supposed to be just like you have been doing for the last year. The easy part is losing it. The hardest part is maintaining the weight after you lose it and you are conquering that...woo-hoo! The last of the weight will come off when you are good and ready but enjoy yourself and have fun!

    1822 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922
    I guess the easy answer would be to say it isn't all about the number. It isn't, but, we all know a little bit better than that. When we set out for a goal and get closer than we ever really thought we could imagine, we want to finishe that goal. I know that is exactly where I am right now. I can't wait to make that goal number and say that I actually did it! It sounds like you have a little bit of that deep down in you.

    The fact that you lost 137 lbs. is amazing! The fact that you have maintained that for a year is also amazing! Both things you should be really proud of. I don't think you area lazy at all, I just think that you have become comfortable at your current weight. Losing all that weight to start wasn't easy and I suppose in your mind, you don't want to put yourself through all of that again? It is hard to say how our minds really work but I don't think you are lazy.

    If you really want to do it, make a plan and put it in progress. You did the heavy lifting losing 85% of your goal so you know that you can do it. Whatever we set our minds to is possible, including you losing that last 25 lbs. When you get in the right frame of mind and decide that you really want that last 25 gone, I have no doubts that you can do it! Keep your chin up!
    1822 days ago
    You have accomplished great things....maybe its about maintenance and enjoying your hard work forawhile? I love you..yyou're my hero!
    1822 days ago
  • STAY39
    I am so impressed with how much you've lost and how far you've come! I personally think you should write a book! I'd buy it! This is just a new chapter in your book or maybe the sequel. All part of your journey! Enjoy where you are, be proud of what you've done thus far and set new small goals for yourself. Maybe step outside of your comfort zone a bit. You will figure it out. By the way, all your thoughts/feelings make total sense to me!
    1822 days ago
    That you've maintained 137 lb weight loss for a year is amazing. You are far from lazy my friend!!! If you are happy and healthy and have sustained your current weight for a an entire year, what does your pant size really matter??
    1822 days ago
    WE all go in cycles. Up and Down and around. That is normal.

    I think you look great and more important I think you feel fantastic psychically. Personally I would just ride where you are for now. I think It would be better to get motivated about something- Life Seems better when you are working towards a goal and making steps toward it.

    I have an idea of how much I want/need to loose. I hope that when I get to the right place I will know it. I have learned on spark people that the number on the scale is just that- a number. Liking yourself and enjoying life and all the NSV is WAY more important .
    1822 days ago
    Holly I'm so impressed with you I can't imagine giving you any kind of advice. Just know I'm sending good vibes to you to make the best decision for you! emoticon
    1822 days ago
    Girl- you have maintained for a YEAR!! emoticon I agree, you need a goal that will motivate you. Is it the Dirty Girl? a faster 5k? a 10k?? Only you can decide that. Whatever it is- I'm here for ya!! emoticon
    1822 days ago
    This may not be the most popular response but if you are HEALTHY and HAPPY with where you are, then maybe you are already at your goal. I'm not a doctor, I can't say for sure. But maybe you should at least consider the possibility. I might make an appointment with my doctor and discuss it. If you NEED to lose more weight, he'll tell you as much and you'll have your motivation. And if you don't then, it's time to celebrate, because, baby, you're at goal -- and have been for a year!!
    1822 days ago
    Quote: "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."─Henry David Thoreau

    1822 days ago
  • NEEDBU66
    I liked the comment about finding that goal that DOES motivate you and shoot towards that. If you are living, loving laughing and inspiring and creating then size 8 jeans are a non-issue. There does have to be a line to draw, though. "if I gain X#lbs, then,....." and stick that post-it-note on the bathroom mirror.
    1822 days ago
    Hey, I'm still here and think what you're going through is totally normal. You've already got the mindset of and are experiencing the struggles of a maintainer! Learning to come to terms with the "dailyness" of maintenance and celebrating that is a big part of staying successful and you're fighting that battle. The fact that you can shrug off a six-pound gain because you know you'll take it off again by buckling down a bit is HUGE. Many long-term maintainers still regularly freak out over smaller gains and would kill to have your healthy attitude and approach.

    Only you can decide if you've got it in you to keep on losing more weight. Yes, it will require more of an effort than what you're currently doing to kick start your weight loss again. Is that something you feel like you can commit to after spending the past year in maintenance mode or will you be happier to focus on keeping on the way you've been going and turning your focus to other goals that aren't so connected to the scale and a magic number? There is such a thing as shooting too low and I think it's much more important to be able to sustain our losses without our lifestyles feeling onerous than it is to be 10 or 20 pounds lighter and living joylessly.

    Maintenance doesn't have all of the excitement of weight loss, but keep on reminding yourself of just how far you've come. I've been at goal for over a year now and am still amazed that I'm here. When my motivation begins to lag, I dig up my old photos and remind myself of how much more limited my life was when I was 100 pounds heavier. I might not need or want to lose any more weight, but I still need reminders of why I don't want to throw in the towel and be back at square one again.

    If you're struggling with what you want, it could be a nice idea for you to refocus your motivators. If you don't know if your size 8 jeans are worth fighting for, decide what is and devote your energy towards that goal. Are you most motivated by the idea of not going back to where you started from? Find ways to remind yourself of that every day and especially when the "I don't wannas" kick in. Are you more motivated by fitness and good health? Why not try creating some concrete goals that have nothing to do with the scale and are ones that can be adjusted over time as you improve?

    Whatever you do, don't give up altogether. You've come so far and have proven that you can keep your healthy lifestyle up even when weight loss isn't your primary focus or desire. That's a huge achievement and one that you should feel very proud of.
    1822 days ago
    I think it's hard, once you lose a certain amount and you start to see something close to goal in the mirror. It's not complacency completely, but a mixture of liking what you see and wanting to see something better, and it leads to waffling, I think. I think going for a different goal is a really smart plan, because at some point, you really do just think "I've lost so much, what does another 20 lbs matter??" :/ I feel you. My loss has slowed way down and I'm still going down, but it's at a rate of something like 1 lb per month, and I know it could be more, I know it could, but I just cant' seem to find that determination I used to have... Sometimes I think not having a mental break for so long really affects us...
    1822 days ago
    I think we all get to this point. I have actually put on about 20 pounds from my lowest, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am happier at that size. You don't have to live by any standards other than the ones you are comfortable with. If you are happy, healthy and satisfied. Then be just that, HAPPY! Just because you set a goal doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to change that goal.
    1822 days ago

    I think the work on being healthiest and as strong as you can be. I have read many blogs written by 100+ lb losers who are or have been at the place you are now. They become complacent and that is NOT a bad thing. If you are not motivated to continue to lose, you won't BUT if you continue to be your healthiest, continue your exercise and continue to challenge yourself, if you continue to maintain and you ARE satisfied, who can say you are not at your best, the best for you? THis can only be answered by you. Dig deep, and ask yourself if you are finished. If you don't know, you're not. Continue to be the wonderful person you are because a number on the scale does not define you one way or the other. A year on maintenance is very commendable and you have done a wonderful job of staying healthy. Now you are at the crossroads and it is up to you which path you choose. Also remember that there is no time clock here. You are not on a schedule. Maybe you need to spend more time right where you are.

    1822 days ago
    I completely understand. My body is so much more comfortable at this weight. It only took 9 months to lose the 50 pounds, then I figured I could do it without tracking every single day. I gained 9 pounds back over the winter holidays, but then lost that and more in the last two months, just to go back to not tracking and gained 5 back again. I know part of it is another holiday and getting really sick (dang head cold that settled into everything!), but that shouldn't be an excuse. I need to go back to my saying : An excuse is just a challenge to find a different way of doing things.

    I swear it will take a year to get rid of those last 25.

    We deserve the goal we originally set out for! emoticon
    1822 days ago
    You are at the EXACT same spot I was up until just a few weeks ago. When I started my studies at Integrative Nutrition I came across a lecture and changed the entire way I eat. There's something that will help you - it's just not evident. You will find it - I have faith in you. Let me know if you need help - it's why I went into Health Coaching - to help people like you and even myself. HUGS!
    1822 days ago
    Have you done a 10K? I've done 5Ks, and my goal for this year is to complete a 10K. I don't think you're wishy-washy. I totally get where you're coming from. Figure out where you want to go, then set a goal and a plan to get there. emoticon
    1822 days ago
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