Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Ok, so I ended up bingeing yesterday, but the previous time was the Tuesday the week before, so I made it just shy of a week, which is pretty good. Giving myself to the top of the hour to blog a bit.
During the binge I wasn't really paying attention to what I was feeling or why I was doing it (I guess if it gets that far that's generally how it goes) but I had been having some pretty intense feelings of thinking of the past again, specifically my ex. Two years ago in March his flirting with another girl and lying to me about it (which had gone on for months) escalated into much more serious exchanges and actual cheating. We'd been together nearly 7 years, if I hadn't written that before...I mean we might as well have been married. So it was hard. Anyway now, even two years on, I still occasionally get waves of nostalgia for the good parts of the relationship - so many things remind me of him, since we spent so much time together and I'm living in the same area, etc. - even though I know I can't go back, and that was definitely happening yesterday. It could definitely have been a contributing factor because I'm still upset about the stupidity of how that all went down.
Ok, as usual, here are some positive thoughts before I try to get some work done.
+ I woke up still feeling bad from yesterday's binge - guilty, feeling like isolating, feeling like wanting to eat to distract myself from those uncomfortable feelings - but I'd made plans to do a short run with my friend. It really helped to get out, and to also just hang out with her.
+ After the run and after breakfast, I was starting to get some pretty bad anxiety and indecision about (long story short) how I should try to go home briefly before going on that camping trip. I started to binge, but managed to stop myself by reminding myself about my goals. I did actually think about coming here to blog as well, though I didn't because I had a lot of things to take care of this morning and wanted to keep plugging away at those. However, the fact that I even thought of my skills was good, and I did manage to not full-out binge.
+ I had a massage at noon today and that was really a treat.
+ I made plans to go straight from there to the tea shop again so that I could check in here and then try to get some work done, rather than going home, especially because I know the day after a binge is always hardest in terms of getting back on track. I do not want to get stuck in a cycle again.