Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Last night in water aerobics class I was taken aback by what I can only think of as flashbacks - of doing water aerobics with my sisters in my parent's pool when I was pregnant. It just hit me like the water splashed across my face, and I was suddenly there, sun shining, my swollen feet happy in the water, feeling the weight of Daisy lifted just a little bit, enjoying the water. And then I was back, moving in the indoor pool, hands hurting from holding the weights, and the other people exercising around me. It happened a few times. I seem to think about Daisy a lot when I exercise - and I think that right there shows me how much losing her has impacted me on levels I never would have thought of as being a part of grieving. I think I punished myself, afterwards, and maybe still have a tendency to - I punished myself by not eating well, by not exercising, by not feeling worth taking care of myself. I've been trying harder and harder to work through that, to exercise, and lose some of that protection-in-the-form-of-fat.
I've gone in drastic extremes in terms of wanting to be pregnant again, and wanting nothing to do with babies. Working out and getting in better shape has been helping me feel balanced in that area, too. I want one, I want a family, I can see having a happy future again, in a way I couldn't, even a month ago. But I am not ready to add emotional baggage on top of physical baggage, yet. I want to lose enough weight that gaining pregnancy weight won't be an issue - that I won't keep adding to the plus column.
For the first time, yesterday, I made a comment to my husband about getting in shape so we could have a baby again. It surprised me after, because I said it without thinking. It felt right to say outloud.
I went down a pound, crossing my first weight loss goal. Since delivery, I've lost 25 pounds. My next goal is 207 pounds (5 pounds away from now). I'm doing this with the help of my 30 Day Love Myself Challenge Group, which I created spur-of-the-moment because of my need to figure out how to love myself and stop punishing myself for Daisy's death. It's taken off, people are meeting their goals, we are on the 2nd round of challenge, and I am inspired by it in a way I haven't been by anything in 5 1/2 months. I feel hopeful. I have Daisy's footprints on my dresser and I see them every day. It's hard to take steps forward, and there's something there to be said about footprints and footsteps, but today isn't the day. All I know is I went down a pound, and I am working towards having a baby again one day.