Monday, March 25, 2013
I'm terrified of being successful. I'm terrified of being thin.
What's that say about my ability to not only lose weight, but keep it off.
I am noticing that when I do well, I inevitably end up sabotaging myself. To prove my point, last weigh in showed a 3lb loss. So what do I do? I spend the weekend on my couch, eating everything. Now I'm afraid to even go near the scale.
What am I afraid of? Really? Success? Happiness? Being thin? Being healthy? I honestly don't know. Which makes it worse. For if I cannot identify the source of my fear, then I surely cannot overcome it. This is my attempt to uncover some of the fears that prevent me from being successful.
I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish (completing a 5k, writing a book, hiking the Appalachian trail),but right now my weight holds me back. Without that "cushion", I might actually have to face my goals and DO something. That is a terrifying thought. What if I'm not good enough to really succeed? What if I lose this weight, and still don't accomplish my goals? What then? Who or what can I blame?
Being the "hot girl". I used to be very attractive, never had trouble getting a boyfriend and sometimes even dated guys much older then me. When I was a teen, I often cheated on boyfriends, constantly striving to find something to fill the emptiness. When I was in the Navy, I played the same game until I found and married my husband. I've been faithful, but I got pregnant quick and have since spent the last 13 years overweight. This has resulted in less attention from men (other then my husband) and no infidelity. What happens if I lose weight and I start getting noticed again? What happens if all the emotions I have tried to cover with food become uncovered with weightloss? What happens if that hole opens up and becomes raw?
These are powerful questions, and I'm not sure if the answers can be found in a blog post. But maybe the first step is asking questions and looking deep down into my own soul.
I knowi am broken. I use my weight as a bandage. Without it, I fear I will fall apart....