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    MORRIGAN11   11,742
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Monday, March 25, 2013

I'm scared.

I'm terrified of being successful. I'm terrified of being thin.

What's that say about my ability to not only lose weight, but keep it off.

I am noticing that when I do well, I inevitably end up sabotaging myself. To prove my point, last weigh in showed a 3lb loss. So what do I do? I spend the weekend on my couch, eating everything. Now I'm afraid to even go near the scale.

What am I afraid of? Really? Success? Happiness? Being thin? Being healthy? I honestly don't know. Which makes it worse. For if I cannot identify the source of my fear, then I surely cannot overcome it. This is my attempt to uncover some of the fears that prevent me from being successful.

I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish (completing a 5k, writing a book, hiking the Appalachian trail),but right now my weight holds me back. Without that "cushion", I might actually have to face my goals and DO something. That is a terrifying thought. What if I'm not good enough to really succeed? What if I lose this weight, and still don't accomplish my goals? What then? Who or what can I blame?

Being the "hot girl". I used to be very attractive, never had trouble getting a boyfriend and sometimes even dated guys much older then me. When I was a teen, I often cheated on boyfriends, constantly striving to find something to fill the emptiness. When I was in the Navy, I played the same game until I found and married my husband. I've been faithful, but I got pregnant quick and have since spent the last 13 years overweight. This has resulted in less attention from men (other then my husband) and no infidelity. What happens if I lose weight and I start getting noticed again? What happens if all the emotions I have tried to cover with food become uncovered with weightloss? What happens if that hole opens up and becomes raw?

These are powerful questions, and I'm not sure if the answers can be found in a blog post. But maybe the first step is asking questions and looking deep down into my own soul.

I knowi am broken. I use my weight as a bandage. Without it, I fear I will fall apart....


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MORRIGAN11 3/25/2013 9:58PM

    Thanks Dawn, sometimes because I am a therapist it's even harder to look at this stuff. So much easier to lp other people figure stuff out than my own!

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    Wow! I could have written this blog. My therapist & I look at these questions. We also look at them in the OA meetings that I attend. There are no easy answers. I love ya....keep on working on you & the answers will reveal themselves.

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MORRIGAN11 3/25/2013 9:02PM

    So true Jessie. Thanks for the support!

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MS_PERCEPTION 3/25/2013 8:51PM

    Very insightful...
I find myself thinking along similar lines at times as I do the same thing, i.e. sabotaging myself.
To the journey of self discovery, may we find ourselves stronger on the other side!

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MORRIGAN11 3/25/2013 8:39PM

    Thanks for the advice, I actually have talked to my husband about it. He is very supportive and suggested using fear of things that will happen if I don't lose weight (death for example). Not sure that's the best strategy haha.

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23KAIYA 3/25/2013 8:27PM

    emoticon I'm sorry, I have no magic words of wisdom here.
Do you have someone close (other than your husband) you could talk to? Telling your husband may cause some trust problems, that's the only reason I suggest someone else.
Have you considered non-weight victories? Fitness achievements can be very motivating!

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