Monday, March 25, 2013
Since I joined SparkPeople, I've lost 40 lbs. And on Saturday, when I saw that scale read UNDER 200 lbs (for the first time in over a decade), I was delighted. Absolutely delirious with joy. 10 lbs more lost will put me at the weight I was when I graduated high-school (and half-way to my goal of a healthy weight). I'm well on target, and a lot of these healthy habits are becoming automatic.
So, naturally, on Saturday & Sunday I went over my calorie goal. On Sunday I didn't even exercise. My mood dropped dramatically on Sunday, too, and I realized that my big *win* - which it still is - has put me in a strange emotional place. During my walk this morning, I realized ... I'm terrified.
Not because I don't think I'll reach my goal - I know I have the tools and determination to reach my healthy goal weight. But my mental picture of myself is slipping, and that's disturbing. I've been the funny fat girl for a really long time, and that's all a lot of people have ever seen. Who am I if I let go of that social identity?
In a strange way, my weight has protected me. Certainly, society likes to criticize heavy people, and there's a lot of judgement and size-shaming ... and yet, the amount of bullying I faced in high school decreased as my weight increased. I'm intelligent and introverted - when I *looked* the same, more or less, as everyone else, those were the aspects the bullies attacked. Those were personal, aggressive assaults on my self-identity. Compared to that, a bit of shoving and a few names about my size were trivial and easy to overlook. I built my armour a bag of chips at a time.
Now I realize I'm in the process of taking off that armour, and it's hit me how vulnerable that can make me. Instead of being inside this 'fat suit' of protective padding, it's starting to be me facing the world, and that really frightens me.
I'm hoping that some of my SparkFriends will be able to offer advice, suggestions, or other ways to deal with this fear, because I don't want this to derail me.