Today is day 34 of my current streak!
Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.
I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!
That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.
I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.
But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.
When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!
Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!
And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.
But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.