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Fear


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Monday, March 25, 2013




Today is day 34 of my current streak!

Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.



I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!

That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.

I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.



But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.



When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!



Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!

And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.



But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.





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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KALEWINE 3/26/2013 11:21AM

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GOING-STRONG 3/26/2013 11:20AM

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Sometimes for reasons we don't really understand we sabotage ourselves and it is heartbreaking. You can do it and you are right.. it is soooo worth it. Keep taking baby steps and with your new healthy habits you can make it permanent. All the best, Rhonda

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DGRIFFITH51 3/26/2013 11:14AM

    FEAR...I have discovered that I was using weight to justify rejection. I have not only had to learn to change my body but to change how I react to how people perceive me. I too have a fear of loosing weight. I have discovered that my fear is in being rejected as a person. This is seeded from my early childhood and is an issue I am dealing with now. I have had to learn to like myself and in doing so I am able to let go of my safety net...being over weight. I have value as a person and not everyone will see me the way I see me. I am learning to be me, the person God created me to be; not the person other people think I should be or want me to be.

We all have our reasons for being over weight....
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MARYGOLD5 3/26/2013 11:11AM

    Thank you for a great blog. You are worth being visible. Don't worry about what others think, just think about how good you feel. You have come a long way. Keep up the good work. emoticon Have no fear.

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LISAREINHART1 3/26/2013 10:37AM

    I want to do the HAPPY dance: One dance for you and you courageous sharing in your blogs, And a second one for everyone else who has read this blog took it heart and plan to keep on reaching and attaining the goals we strive to achieve.... HUGS... Thank you.

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CICELY360 3/26/2013 10:31AM

  good blog

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HEARTS116 3/26/2013 10:27AM

    emoticon emoticon

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IOWADEB 3/26/2013 10:19AM

    Thank you!!!!!

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SOFT_VAL67 3/26/2013 10:15AM

    What a great inspiration to begin this cold snowy morning...I am trying to find out what my own fears are.
We have alot in common, 70 pounds lost for me since May....and then a broken foot sidelned me for the last 2 months...my fear right now is not being able to continue, and sliding back into bad habits, which I have.
But am pulling myself back out and now am focusing on strength instead of cardio, maintaining where I am instead of worrying about what I cant...
This has just been a little setback, not the end.
And I wonder, ohhhhh how I wonder, if I will ever see a size 10, or even a size 14 for that matter...
70 pounds for me has only resulted in 2 pants sizes, 2 shirt sizes, although I can now wear a mens large tshirt, xlarge is just more comfortable though....one day, one day really soon...good luck conquering and overcoming your fears and keep pushing on.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/26/2013 10:16:21 AM

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GIRLINMOTION 3/26/2013 9:58AM

    Maybe size ten is not as important as staying fit and healthy and at a weight you know your lifestyle can maintain.

You have been a size ten, maybe this time if you reach that goal you know all the hard work that took you there. But that is what it is hard work and it takes that to maintain it too.

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STAREYES723 3/26/2013 9:58AM

    emoticon post and I needed to hear it. Great thoughts to consider. Thank you.
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MOMOSG 3/26/2013 9:57AM

    You are not alone in how you feel. I completely relate to what you are saying. Fear has caused by to regain weight every time I have lost it. I am so afraid of being thin, drawing too much attention to myself and afraid of all the expectations and judgement. Being invisible is so much easier but it makes me unhappy. The trick is to find the balance. If you ever figure that out, let me know - I'm not there yet! Thanks so much for sharing.

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SJKENT1 3/26/2013 9:56AM

    thanks for the honesty. Stepping on our fears is a tough thing - facing them and saying, "get out - you will not stop me anymore!" is life giving.

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PEABODY69 3/26/2013 9:53AM

    very inspirational...thanks for posting

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CEEMAY 3/26/2013 9:51AM

    You are so courageous and insightful!! Thank you for sharing what so many of us can relate to. You are simply.... emoticon

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DJSHIP46 3/26/2013 9:37AM

    I certainly understand your fears... I know you have the knowledge and the strength, I'm sure you'll beat this thing!

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GOOSIEMOON 3/26/2013 9:35AM

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NEEDLER22 3/26/2013 9:35AM

    Thank you for sharing this post. Our greatest enemy is ourselves.

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DIANNEMT 3/26/2013 9:35AM

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REGILIEH 3/26/2013 9:33AM

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LYNCHD05 3/26/2013 9:31AM

    You have come so far. I know y.ou can do it!!!

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KANDOLAKER 3/26/2013 9:31AM

    Wonderful, awesome blog! This hits a chord, and reminds me to do it anyway. Fear cannot win this game. You deserve to be your most awesome self - and you will get past this fear. Wishing you the best - and I'm there with ya!!


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CAINE39 3/26/2013 9:26AM

    Thank you so much for sharing. It helps me to read this. Something similar happened to me about 3 years ago. I lost 20 pounds, and I realized how much I still held back in my Turbo Kick class. When I started giving it my all, it's like I scared myself with my own strength, ability and endurance, and I quit shortly after. Plus I gained the weight back and haven't lost any since then. I am going to think about this and get my fear manageable and start taking care of my wonderful self. Thank you.

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JEN1041 3/26/2013 9:22AM

  This was so encouraging to me. I have also found that I am more comfortable being invisible that every time someone notices I've lost weight I sabotage myself by gaining the weight right back and then some. At least being self-aware means you are more likely to get through this. Realize all that exercise is making you strong, no matter how small you are. Keep up the good work!

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IAMTOLOSE 3/26/2013 9:20AM

    Thank you for putting into words my own thoughts and feelings. It's so scary to be what we can be. You've given me hope. Blessings to you and yours.

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BRENDA_G50 3/26/2013 9:20AM

    One of my friends gave me a good definition of fear which I will gladly pass along: What is FEAR? It's False Evidence Appearing Real.

This definition has really helped me a lot in so many ways. Anytime I get afraid of something, I remember what my friend told me.

Hope this helps you to beat those negative thoughts and get back to being your awesome self. emoticon

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Comment edited on: 3/26/2013 9:22:15 AM

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KATHRYN1955 3/26/2013 9:18AM

    Your blog really resonated with me. Doing the bare minimum to prevent weight gain describes me to a T. Fear of others' expectations is part of it, but for me there is more. I really just love the taste of desserts and anything with butter and I have come to the conclusion over the past few weeks that it is my drug of choice! So my next step is to figure out why I feel I need that and what healthier options I can use to replace it.
I really liked that last picture "I will beat her" and have printed it out.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us....it is just what I needed to hear this morning.
Kathy

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KNYAGENYA 3/26/2013 9:16AM

    You can do it. I have faith in you.

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NIKKIJ55 3/26/2013 9:14AM

    Wonderful blog! Thank you for sharing

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ALROLLER 3/26/2013 9:07AM

    REALLY appreciated this blog at this time! Well done, very thought provoking. I think you hit the nail on the head. Losing weight is a mind game above all else. When we adjust our thoughts, our actions follow. emoticon

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NEPTUNE1939 3/26/2013 9:07AM

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PONYANGEL 3/26/2013 9:02AM

    wow like I would be reading my own thoughts. Thank you so much for this post. Its something to think about. Best Regards,

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HLOCHRIDGE 3/26/2013 9:02AM

    Great blog!!

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BONSHELL 3/26/2013 8:51AM

  Thank you for reminding us that enough may not be enough. I like the way you lay out your blog. It reads well, flows well and is enjoyable to follow, in addition to having really motivating content.

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UPTOIT59 3/26/2013 8:48AM

    Thank you for sharing. Admitting we are afraid - is very brave.
I believe I know a little about how you feel. I too have struggled with reaching my goals. When I have reached my goals; running a big race that I had trained for; finally reaching my goal weight; what ever that goal is - it hasn't always been as joyous as I thought it would be. There are responsibilities that come with reaching your goals. All of a sudden people begin to look to you for answers. That in itself can be scary. What makes you think I know what I am talking about? It was just luck wasn't it?
No it was hard work and dedication- hey maybe we do have something we can share!

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MIMIDOT 3/26/2013 8:47AM

    Great blog! You made me realize that I'm not working hard enough too. I do good on my exercise, but I"m not so good on my eating. I just don't take the time to get a good meal. Maybe I should try to start a streak of my own. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Good luck!

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RUNNING-TURTLE 3/26/2013 8:47AM

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VICKYMARIEC 3/26/2013 8:45AM

    Love it!

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CRYSTALJEM 3/26/2013 8:41AM

    It makes sense to me that if your body has been one way for a long time you would be comfortable with it, even if you wanted to change it. When you've been in your "new" body for long enough, you will learn to love it completely. Once hitting goal weight, I think there's always the fear of going back up and considering yourself a failure. You are a success. Way to go!

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IDICEM 3/26/2013 8:41AM

  Another great blog. You bring up a valid issue. Thanks!

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QUAIL75 3/26/2013 8:39AM

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BRAVELUTE 3/26/2013 8:29AM

    Go ahead. Take the time to adjust. Spend some time working on that adjustment. You are doing MORE than losing weight or getting physically healthy. You are creating a new you, any way you look at it.

PS: I love Martha Beck (1st poster in your blog).I first though the chalkboard referred to her book: FINDING YOUR WAY IN A WILD NEW WORLD. I realize it's a quote from a different person. So have you read her book? How are you "fitting" in to this wild new world you are creating?

Comment edited on: 3/26/2013 8:36:51 AM

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MOMMY445 3/26/2013 8:23AM

    sending positive vibes your way,Pixie! have a terrific day!

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SIZE8NOTSOMUCH 3/26/2013 8:19AM

    Pixie, I feel as though I could have written this. I too am 52, was a size 6 9 years ago, but almost happy to gain it back to become invisible again...People don't see fat people.. we don't get noticed. I hear you and struggle right along with you!
Keeping you in my thoughts.

Hugs
J


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INGMARIE 3/26/2013 8:18AM

    I know exactly what you are talking about,having been a fat kid,with glasses WOW
I was "hiding" behind my glasses ,
I lost the weight in my late teens, (kept the glasses)
as i got older i develeoped a thyroid problem, gained the weight and more back.
Well I lost almost all of the weight ,still wearing glasses,and sometimes hiding
behind them.
Having lived with a "shield" for so long it is hard to let go.
I think we can do it emoticon

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SPUD3193 3/26/2013 8:15AM

    emoticon

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NILLAPEPSI 3/26/2013 7:59AM

    Let's give it our best shot every single day!! emoticon

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KATHIC2 3/26/2013 7:55AM

  YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!

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TINY67 3/26/2013 7:53AM

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EVER-HOPEFUL 3/26/2013 7:41AM

    knowing what and why is stopping you is over half the battle.now you know what you are up against and what to do about it so no excuses.remember we all have your back here and we all know you have it in you love so just do it. emoticon

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