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Monday, March 25, 2013

Today is day 34 of my current streak!

Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.

I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!

That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.

I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.

But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.

When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!

Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!

And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.

But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You can do it - you want to and you will succeed!
    1759 days ago
    Now it comes down to what have you done for me lately. Make sure you put down the new goal and start working through your fear on paper. Spark has an excellent article dealing with that. But due to a memory block I can't remember the title but I think Coach Dean had a 3 part article on it.
    Pixie I know you can do it. Work through that fear step by step so it doesn't take hold of you again! You go girl!
    1760 days ago
    Sometimes you have to sit back and coast through maintaining what you lost and then push yourself again. It can be frightening to get to goal but don't think of that. Think about all the jealous people out there because you did get to goal and they haven't.

    Go for it and enjoy. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
  • JOYFUL452003
    Once again my dear you nailed it! Great blog. I too can relate to this. Thank you so much for helping others as you continue on your journey! emoticon
    Blessings, Muriel
    1760 days ago
  • SKY214
    I can sooooo relate!!! But I'm gonna do it!!! And so will you!!! emoticon
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
    Awesome post - it's good to be truthful with yourself. I've been there - and I'm sure others have as well.

    There is another thing left to fear as well - once you get there - now what? There are so many other adventures to be had - other goals to achieve - where to start?

    It is awesome and a little scary all at the same time. I'm rooting for you!

    1760 days ago
  • CAROL494
    emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
    emoticon emoticon i know you can
    1760 days ago
    Great blog, Pixie. Full of self insight and determination. You can do it!
    1760 days ago
  • HEYMOE012
    Sometimes getting to the finish line takes all the energy, and is given all the focus. The question becomes.."what's next"... and if you don't have an answer for it you go into a sort of limbo. There were times I was stuck in limbo. Not weight loss only, but in life in general. I had no forward momentum because I had no plan, no Zest, no enthusiasm for anything. I worked at the basics and survived, until a plan came together, or something else clicked. For example, I was unemployed when my ex walked out on us...I had just finished finalizing my Moms estate. It was 230 lbs, had three small kids ( two in kindergarten and one in first grade), and zero prospects for what could I possibly do with myself since I had not worked in seven years.

    It took eleven months to get a job. Three years to finalize the divorce. And I find I still need to keep reaching out for the next goal before the first is finished. It helps to know that the one goal is NOT ALL THERE IS...but a mere piece of life.
    1760 days ago
    I can relate to your blog. Hiding behind fear of being thin and being attractive for all kinds of reasons. I have been in therapy for a long while now. It is time to stand up and out on my own two feet not hiding behind the weight.

    1760 days ago
  • QTEALADY20031
    Pixie, very good blog. It made me think too because I have felt the same way for the past few weeks. YOU have been very successful. Sometimes it helps to write down what you fear and examine each one.......like what is the worse that could happen? Sometimes it helps put things in perspective. Pixie keep working hard as you have been and you will reach that size 10 and you will be just thrilled!! emoticon emoticon June
    1760 days ago
    Of all the fears that are out there, fear of success is one of the most baffling. It's also one of the most encouraging because it means you're almost there! Size 10 is just around the corner. Be sure to post pictures of your new even-more-beautiful self!
    1760 days ago
    Hi Pixie............I know that emoticon !!!!!
    1760 days ago
  • THOMS1
    Great blog. Maybe that is why when I only had 10 more pounds to lose (now closer to fifteen or twenty) I kept sabotaging myself. I guess I felt that I needed that weight loss goal to keep myself going. Thank you for this blog.
    1760 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/26/2013 5:26:16 PM
  • GEORGE815
    Stay strong. Live strong.
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
    Great blog, all the best to you. emoticon
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    You can do it, Awesome Lady!
    1760 days ago
    you might just be amazed by what you want
    1760 days ago
    You area awesome and you just motivated me in a big way. I'm feeling the same but getting kind of upset with myself for the past week or so. You just uplifted me:)
    1760 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
    I understand exactly where you are coming from. I have about 12 more lbs to reach goal and I am scared also. I think what we need to do is keep the support system we have with Sparkpeople. They are my first choice because they know exactly what we are going through. They have already been there. emoticon
    1760 days ago
    I too am getting close to my initial goal -- within 17 lbs. And I've been thinking about "maintenance" and how will it work and I realized after reading this I'm kinda scared too! Thanks so much for sharing - and helping!
    1760 days ago
    I understand! Sometimes I think that we sort of need a break to regroup though and maintaining is all we are capable of doing until that next spurt comes forth!

    1760 days ago
    You're doing what you need to do--and you're committed to your program! That'll keep you going no matter the fears or challenges! Yay, YOU!
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
    We all know what fear is like, and to face it daily and so boldly is quite an accomplishment. Thank you for putting the words to print!
    1760 days ago
    you are so right. it is really hard. FEAR is awful... and the thought, once you reach your goal is "NOW WHAT?"

    JUST KEEP GOING. you are worth it!
    1760 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
    As always, you took the words right out of my mouth. And also hit a nerve in me. I've been at goal weight several times in my life and I'm never sure why I let it slip away. I need to find out what the real issue is that won't allow me to be my best for long. Keep the thoughts coming because you are truly helping others in a soft and gentle way. Thanks!! emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
    emoticon mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
    Nothing wrong with having a little fear.
    What would be wrong is letting it stop you! emoticon
    1760 days ago
    1760 days ago
    Great blog! You've really touched on a subject, I think, so many of us silently deal with. So nice to know we are not alone. Thanks.

    1760 days ago
    WOW! This blog was just what I needed to hear - I have been kind of floating on the edges of everything, tracking most of my food instead of all, not really commiting fully to the plan and then wondering why I am not losing weight. Thanks for sharing these thoughts and attitudes.
    1760 days ago
    yes indeed, Pixie, you are worth it.
    1760 days ago
    You're speaking to me...I kept thinking "I"ve got this great streak, why is nothing happening?"

    I wasn't sweating, I wasn't tracking on the weekends, I wasn't walking 10,000 steps a day...

    No more excuses - great blog - I am once again inspired to continue! :)
    1760 days ago
  • BSLMKH1954
    I understand your fear because I have fear of losing weight also. I spent half my life being too skinny so when I began putting on weight I was happy. I no longer had to deal with people calling me names and teasing me for being skinny. I became invisible and that suited me well. I have spent the last few years depressed. I lost my husband in Dec of 2010, lost my job in April of 2011 and getting rejected for every job I have applied for. I have a part time job at the motel where I used to work full time. I really need a job but with this depression and weight issue it isn't happening. I really need to get myself back to the walking I did when I was skinny and fight through this depression. If I took better care of myself I wouldn't be depressed.
    1760 days ago
    I'm in the same place as you right now! FEAR

    I loved working hard last year and losing weight, but as soon as people started to say how great I looked and now asking me if I plan to lose more or I have even had people call and ask if I have kept the weight off. All the attention, positive or negative has really put FEAR in me. I'm working, like you on maintaining what I've lost (or most of it), but getting back to losing has me scared.

    I don't know if I can be slender!

    I won't give up, but encouragement is always welcome!

    Big Hugs,
    1760 days ago
    So real, thanks for sharing and congratulations on your weight loss so far!!!!
    1760 days ago
    Well you did it!

    I see myself in your words....

    Never looked at it that way...I am always worried about what others think or say and not in me...

    Today I take over.....

    Fear Be Gone!


    1760 days ago
    Great inspiration. Thank you!
    1760 days ago
    I love this blog! I think I am dealing with this issue without being even close to my goal. You are always so timely with your comments. Thank you.
    1760 days ago
    Thank you so much for once again being such an inspiration!!! When I read your blogs I feel like I really can accomplish my goals. emoticon
    1760 days ago
  • ENG_TV
    very insightful
    1760 days ago
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