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Monday, March 25, 2013

Today is day 34 of my current streak!

Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.

I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!

That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.

I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.

But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.

When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!

Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!

And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.

But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Pixie , I can totally relate. When I was younger I was sexually violated & I think I'm afraid that as I get smaller I may start getting unwanted attention! Yet it is my ultimate goal to weigh 170 & I will! Let's not let fear get in our way because we are stronger than that Pix!!!!
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    1589 days ago
    Thank you so much for this. I haven't even been doing the minimum I need to do to reach my goal. I need to get up and try again. First I need to sit down and create a plan!
    1693 days ago
    Thank you for this amazing post. Your words resonate within me. Only recently have I come to suspect that fear of the new me and the extra attention may have been hidden forces that made it so easy and comforting to put back the weight that I had worked so hard to lose. You are farther along on the journey of self-awareness than I am.
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    1701 days ago
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    1716 days ago
    What a great blog. I know how you feel. I have been on my long journey and I always am reaching for a smaller size. But I am aware that I will never be the size I was years ago as my body has changed shape, but I want to be a healthy and happy me and accept myself as I am. You have come a long way and your body will tell you where it needs to be. Maybe a 12 is your new size and if so, accept and embrace it
    1751 days ago
  • LSIG14
    I really love your openness. I too have the fear of success so whenever I am making progress toward my goal, I get off the field and sit on the sidelines. I have lots of health excuses, but I don't think I'm ever going to get well unless I work at it! Thanks for your encouraging blog. Keep up the good work!
    1765 days ago
    You go girl - you can do it! This time have a plan of how you might love your new self, and the things you are going to do, so that you feel less exposed and more able to embrace your new self. You are fantastic - so tell everyone about it!
    1790 days ago
  • MAW_OH
    Very Inspirational, Thanks.
    1799 days ago
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    1799 days ago
  • SBFT84
    Me too.
    1802 days ago
    I so relate to that. I think we've always dieted and always been overweight and somehow we're not sure what we're going to do with ourselves if we aren't that anymore. I've asked myself because I get very close to goal and then I sabotage myself. I was so close and then for the last 3 months have screwed off and gained like 12 pounds and I was asking myself the big "why". Thanks for putting this into words. You've given me something to think about int his journey.
    1811 days ago
    Great blog! I think a lot of us feel this way and don't even realize it. It is just comfortable to sit on my couch, eat what I want and hide behind my weight, but the truth is that we are who we are no matter what size we are. So why not be the best you can be. Don't be afraid, because you're great emoticon You may not be pushing as hard as you used to, and you may just be maintaining and doing the minimum, but the minimum is still progress. You're not slipping back, you're staying healthy. Good for you!
    1812 days ago
  • 222NICHOLE
    This is great! I love the inspiring pictures that you posted. Great job for acknowledging your fear and being motivated to make progress! You are inspiring.
    1813 days ago
    Very inspirational blog and so glad you shared.It came at a time when I needed it.
    1814 days ago
    I'm glad I'm not the only one that fears losing weight. I keep sabotaging myself. When I finally thought about it, I think it's because I had 2 failed marriages and maybe sub-consciously, I don't want to be attractive to men again because I don't want to be in that position again where a man treats me like dirt, or like I don't matter!

    I am a single mom with fibromyalgia, migraines, etc. so I have to get into shape to even make it through a day (which I barely do right now). Hopefully, soon, I will feel like I deserve it!
    1815 days ago
    Great job on holding yourself accountable.
    1815 days ago
    I almost skipped over this blog, but I'm SO GLAD I read it!! Once again, you have spoken directly to me. I could have written this!! I, too, have lost the weight, but then gained it back again. Truer words were never spoken than when you said, "And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting." WOW! That really said it all!
    But we're stronger now! We've got an amazing support system here. We can do this!!
    1815 days ago
  • AME4IT
    emoticon . You have the power, strength and willpower to get to your goal.
    1816 days ago
    1817 days ago
    I know what you mean. I have just started my journey and I had to remind myself not to get ahead of myself. I was already concerning myself about maintaining my goal weight. I had to say hold on - let's get there first.

    I am routing for you. Don't stop believin'
    1818 days ago
    Awesome blog...I am not sure what my fears are....I know that there has to be something holding me back....I would love to know what but I need to start moving and looking for answers at the same time....siting still and searching is not going to get me very far.....
    1818 days ago
    I think we all wonder what is next? When I have met my goal....what do I do then?
    Will I gain it back or will I keep on striving to keep it off. Will I have to start all over again. When what we have worked for so hard is finally insight...I think maybe we might panic. I have a very long way to go so I won't know until I get there.

    Just keep on pushing and remember you are worth every minute that you give.
    We are all special , one of a kind people and that is what makes life worth living.

    " hands across spark people...season of hope." pass it on.
    1818 days ago
    Have no fear!
    1818 days ago
  • LOSER05
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    1818 days ago
    Maybe you needed those past months just to get used to all the changes that happened already.
    Maybe you first needed to be okay with where you are now before you can move through MORE changes. Be gentle with your psyche. It can take longer for the mind and the emotions to adjust to a new size than it does the body, I hear.
    There must be information about how to deal with this type of fear on internet.
    Feeling small and vulnerable is something you must learn to deal with, I think, and it may have been a factor in why you got overweight in the first place.
    Best of luck!
    1819 days ago
    You are stronger than you strongest fear so dig deeper and get busy emoticon emoticon
    1819 days ago
    Good one; thanks!
    1819 days ago
  • AMBER461
    Very incouraging blog. You go for it girl and you will accomplish losing the rest of the weight.
    1819 days ago
    Keep going you are an inspiration.
    1819 days ago
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    1819 days ago
  • L1ZB3TH354
    No fear! You can do this Pixie! emoticon
    1819 days ago
  • 4KWALK
    Wow! Such honesty.
    I could not even admit to myself that I too have that fear of losing my camouflage.
    I thank you for putting this blog out here as I know it will help many of us. emoticon
    1819 days ago
    I just love those aha moments when we realize what's really going on. I too am almost there and I went to try on clothes and everything I tried on was a smaller size and looked really nice. I got so scared I went home and started eating over the whole experience for 3 days. I am back on track and am grateful for the ability to see and correct my course. I am also amazed at the timeliness of some of these posts, just knowing I am not alone is a real blessing. Thank you all for your words of inspiration emoticon emoticon
    1819 days ago
    I'm loving your honesty and inspiring message. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us are going through! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1819 days ago
    Remember to be kind to yourself. It could help to consider this phase as practice for maintenance? I know that you can do it!
    1819 days ago
    Everyone said it already and I am right there with you. I reached my goal and gained again. I felt foreign to myself. I am down 60 pounds from where I started and canot seem to get any lower I lost 24 pounds and gained back 16. You have comforted me. Now I need to figure out how to deal with this issue.
    1819 days ago
    1819 days ago
  • 14JAZZ
    First and foremost Kudos goes out to you for what you have accomplished thus far. Support and energy is sent to you as you continue your journey. Fear enters into our life when we are moving toward the unknown. And believe me the choice to change who or what we are is probably the most difficult and scary path we walk on. So often what we are telling our self, over-rides what actually will happen and we begin to build a drama around the possibilities. Hitting a wall whenever we are trying to bring about change in our self or our life is normal. Self-doubt and the desire for validation become our back seat drivers, I know, I’ve been there. Getting past it requires that you do exactly what you are doing now. Acknowledging your fear, making healthy choices, not beating yourself up over set-backs, and connecting with those who can support and cheer you on is important. and you’re doing it! emoticon
    1819 days ago
    1819 days ago
    Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real. You and I are the same age and it has taken me until this chapter of my life to lose fear. Feels good, doesn't it?
    1819 days ago
    Reading your post was like hearing myself speak. I'm afraid as well. Being overweight has protected me. It gives me an excuse for failing at relationships. We are strong women...we need to remember / remind ourselves of that. Thank you for writing about your fear. It's made me be honest about my fears.
    1819 days ago
  • JERICHO1991
    Sounds like you're ready to move off this plateau, and continue towards your goals.
    1819 days ago
    1819 days ago
    Wow,what a first step to take ~ (that being to ADMIT your FEAR)! I am encouraged by your words, being they hit so very close to home! Best wishes to you on this 'journey' you are on.
    1820 days ago
    Lately I have not been trying hard enough. Right now I will try.
    1820 days ago
  • LLS8813
    Great thoughts. I have discovered over the past year that FEAR rules my life in so many ways and that I have to constantly work to put it aside. Thanks for putting it out there. All the best!
    1820 days ago
    1820 days ago
    You're inspiring! emoticon
    1820 days ago
  • SHERYLP461
    Wonderful story, way to go!
    1820 days ago
  • NCSUE0514
    1820 days ago
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