Monday, March 25, 2013
Imagine stepping on the scale to find that your weight hasn't budged. Instead of immediately reacting with self-hatred and disgust, you remain calm and focus on the positive. What other accomplishments can you be proud of? Use this exercise to prepare yourself to handle this situation in the future.
This is a tough one for me. I've let this one knock me of track too many times to count over this past year.
When I started SP in 2009, I quickly discovered a food allergy/sensitivity. Making that change was a very dificult for me - I actually went through a week of withdrawals having no idea what was happening to me. All I knew was I was DETERMINED to try and make this work. I stuck with it, and at the end of that first week I finally figured out why I was struggling with it so much. Knowing it was withdrawals helped. It actually made the effects almost easier to cope with. It didn't make the change any easier. Just dealing with the effects of it became a little easier to cope with.
I also started running at that time. I had always suffered with arthritis in my knees and eyes. My knees would hurt and it would keep me from running. So I figured I'd do my best. I'd start out slow - get a good program - and follow it. As soon as I ended up with one day that I couldn't walk from the pain, I'd stop. And I finished one week. Then two. Then ... That September I ran my first half marathon. Not ONE DAY did I have to sit out because of pain. Even the day after my race. I was tender - I knew if I pushed too hard I would have muscle spasms. So I took it easy, let my body recouperate, and never really suffered at all.
This whole time I was sticking to my gluten free diet. Drinking lots and LOTS of water. And loosing weight. Like Crazy. I started out close to 250lbs. I plateaued at around 210lbs. I looked good, and didn't really keep pushing too hard, until that December. I decided I really wanted to try to get under 200 for new years. I only had a week to go, and was at 206lbs, so I didn't think it was possible, but I was going to give it all I had. I ran. Every day. I tracked every bite of food.
On Dec 31, 2009 I weighted in that morning at 199.8lbs. I was overjoyed.
This was when I really believed if I put the effort it, it would pay off. I was seeing it.
Then something happened. I slowly started to regain the weight - marriage fell apart, I was living on my own away from my kids, it wasn't pretty. I'd find my motivation at times, and really push for a week or so. But I'd see no results. It would discourage me, and I'd give up. Mainly out of frustration.
Over the next couple of years, my weight slowly crept back up. I kept running, but it didn't seem to help. I ran my first marthon. In all honesty, I didn't properly train for it. I started out strong, but got derailed on my way. I still crossed the finish line - it took me just under 6 1/2 hours.
Now I'm at 234lbs again. I'm not happy with myself. I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel.
I NEED to find the non-scale victories to make it work now. I can't keep letting the scale defeat me.
Yesterday I purged my closet. I got rid of everything that doesn't fit me anymore. Well, almost everything. I kept a few favorites to be put away for when I get back there. I'm determined to get there again. Not only to have the body I know I can have, but mainly for my health. It's been failing me again lately.
I'm depressed. Moody. Angry. Sad. Lethargic. I really don't like who I've become. My pancreas isn't working right. It's causing me a lot of pain when I eat. I am still gluten free - I've ended up in the hospital a couple of times lately because of contamination. It's not pretty.
I need to focus on the health benefits, but they are so hard to actually measure. That's why I loved using the scale. It was a concrete measurement that would show me if I was on the right track or not.
I've been struggling with a desire to get back into strength training as well. Maybe seeing my strength increase - the weights I lift easily go up - is another way to help make this work.