People... Seriously I am busy!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Sabotage comes in many forms. Friends and family... strangers... and from yourself. Lately I feel like I've been giving in trying to please everyone and not taking a stand for myself.

I did this with food before... and I got fat.

I'm doing this now with my dissertation... so am I f***ing up my graduation?

Basically, the house is off my worries list. It ate up a chunk of time getting it cleaned and staged. AND dealing with my family coming down to help. That was stress. We heard back on Thursday that it appraised for what we needed it to appraise for (higher than I thought possible) -- so now we're just waiting for the contract and figuring out a closing date. I wouldn't mind getting rid of it sooner (hello less bills!) but I also kind of need it to work on my thesis and focus in a place of calm. So... yea. I have no idea what the plan is there. I should find out soon though.

Last weekend (two ago) I went home to go to a hockey game with TJ for his birthday. It was fun, but I didn't get a lot done and my parents were super crabby with me. (I really don't want to move home, ugh) I also spent time with my dad, TJ, and his stepdad because I knew it would be something they would all enjoy = instead of working on my thesis.

This past Thursday I went home after work to watch the 5 dogs at my parents house (my 2 and their 3) while they went to a wedding in Chicago... I got some stuff done, but not nearly enough. I ended up driving back Saturday though to beat the snow *good thing I did. I managed to get some work stuff done on Sunday, but again = I feel like I'm slacking. Where is my motivation? I'm thinking about making a board to motivate myself. Job, money, new house, wedding = all things that require me to graduate and get off to StL. Pretty good motivation to spend time with TJ on a regular basis... but do to that I have to finish my thesis!

Ugh. So next weekend my parents wanted me to come back again. They're going to Kentucky to get their new boat from the showroom and look at the cabin they are getting built. They're retiring there, so they made some crazy decisions to buy land in Kentucky near the Lake and get a pontoon boat... So they want to go look at their new toys now that they can put it in the water -- but there are 5 dogs at their house. My sister is watching them from Tuesday on, but she wanted me to come home. My friends want me to come home and hang out. TJ wants me to drive in and spend time together.

Finally I was just like NO. No to my parents -- I can't spend 3 weekends in a row in StL. No to my sister = you're going to be there 3 days, what's 4.5? No to TJ = if you want to spend time, drive to my house. No to the bad voices in my head telling me I'm not going to graduate. Hell I want to graduate just to prove my boss wrong.

So with that I'm stopping the sabotage. Food choices lately haven't been horrible. I say that, but they also haven't been great. I'm still not calorie restricting (still waiting on the dumb arm to heal) so I don't feel guilty about my diet. I tried to eat doritos because I was craving them.... gross. Doritos breath and stomach pains = grains are evil!

So I'm on the high-protein train. Its been fun. I'm slowly easing myself into low carb, high protein dieting via a modified Paelo diet. I'm not going keto, that's for sure, at least for now, since I'm healing up -- but I'm thinking about doing it short term to drop some fat off my frame.

Workouts have felt amazing lately. I figure I'm eating at a caloric excess, by a little, so its the perfect time to weight lift and do strength training.

Anyway, that's it. I feel like I've been super busy but not super productive... so I am annoyed with myself. Here's to making it a good week and finishing March out strong!

(Also, not for the faint of heart = here's what my arm wound progress looks like = )
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I looked at your picture link. You poor thing! I can't even imagine how awful this was for you. I was curious when you would mention this in your other blogs, but had no idea it was that bad. I can't believe the surgeon didn't do something sooner! If there was ever a time to sue, this is it! Take care of yourself. ... and good for you for saying no. It always amazes me what people will ask of you when they know you are swamped. Hang in there.
    1817 days ago
    Beechnut nailed it!

    When I was writing my master's thesis (SO PAINFUL. not a PhD I know, but the same awful awful process...) I made myself write SOMETHING in the sections, even if it was just describing what would eventually be there. Somehow not having a blank page was a huge help to get me started. I'd start by writing BS:

    "And in this paragraph I'll describe where we got our hydrography data, trying to carefully gloss over the fact that we never got to measure any of our water samples because the only techs who know how to use the apparatus aren't here anymore..." and eventually real writing would start to come out. Then once I was in the groove I'd go back and edit out the BS. Hahaha. It worked for me!

    Stay strong with the family and friends boundaries! the people who truly love you will forgive you when it's all done and they have Happy New Job Sara to spend tons of time with. emoticon Turn off your phone if you have to!

    And lastly, wow. I'm glad you took photos, because it's cringeworthy, yes, but so great to see the progress. I'm so glad it's healing, but I don't think I realllllly appreciated that without seeing how bad it got! Also, I can't help but notice the edges around the still healing part? That used to be part of the wound? Looks like pretty normal skin. It doesn't look like weird funny looking wrinkly scar, so when it's all healed it should look pretty good! Yay!
    1818 days ago
    When I was in that phase of graduate school, and trying to eat well, and taking care of my house, etc... I made a to-do list every day. I had to do these things:

    __ Work on dissertation (I HAD to do SOMETHING daily, no matter how big or how small - it typically was a little while every day)

    __ __ __ __ __ Freggies

    ___ Within calorie limit

    ___ 10 minutes exercise (I was not picky about what)

    and then when I started running it became...

    ___ Run 1.5 miles (or whatever I was scheduled to do)

    And then I had a list of other things to do (grade homework, blah blah blah).

    It helped me feel control. I also set goals for myself. If I told myself "By May, I'm going to have a draft of my intro completed" then I would do it. It was on the Goal list, and it made it happen.

    I didn't "go away" to grad school, and although it was nice to have all my friends and family around, sometimes it was tough. They expected me to still hang out with them all the time, or to help them out with this and that. And they didn't seem to understand all the work involved.

    What REALLY helped me to finish up was having my baby. I started grad school in August 2004... but then it took forever to do my thesis. I had my baby in July 2009. After that, I defended my MA in August 2009, passed quals in May 2010, proposed my dissertation in January 2011, accepted a job offer in April 2011, defended my dissertation in June 2011, and moved in July 2011. It all happened so fast, partly because my time was completely FOCUSED when I had to work. I didn't have time to screw around anymore. I had no choice but to get it done.

    But you'll get there. You have to work on dissertations like you eat elephants. One bite at a time.
    1819 days ago
    Ow.... the pictures. I was trying to picture it in my head whenever I read your blogs, but I never thought it would be SO big!! What a horrible spot for that to happen.
    1819 days ago
    ow ow ow! Those pictures made me wince. Good thing you are healing up!

    1819 days ago
  • BIZZ27
    Good for you for not letting them get to you!!!

    As for your pictures, I've been through 3 c-sections, I cleaned my boyfriend's hand amputation when he lost 2 fingers and half his thumb; and to be honest, your pictures turned my stomach upside down!! lol I am so glad your sister is a doctor and took care of you because that could have gotten infected SOO easily!! Love the last few pictures with all the nice pink colors though!

    Good luck on the thesis, I bet you'll be done before you know it :)
    1819 days ago
    Good for you, for saying NO!

    OMGoodness, I looked through your pictures! Now I see the pain you were enduring! My underarm was hurting for you! emoticon
    1819 days ago
    emoticon the Sabotage!
    You've got this! emoticon
    1819 days ago
    Way to set some boundaries with your family! I know it's tough, especially when you are so unmotivated to get stuff done as it is, but you can't be everything for everyone all the time. Your family helped you with the house, and it sounds like you've repaid the favor over quite a few weekends, so now is the time to focus on you. This is coming from a reformed people pleaser emoticon

    Oh, and I have to say I'm not a squeamish type, but those pics made me CRINGE. It just looks so painful...I admire you even more for going through that! Though I have to say it is not making me want to sign up for skin removal surgery anytime soon. I know not all results are like that, but I don't think a lot of us fully understand the risks of it either.
    1819 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/25/2013 11:12:34 AM
    Those pictures are INSANE!
    wow girl, going through that healing process on top of everything else, you are one tough cookie. Sounds like you have it under control now, sometimes saying NO is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
    Keep up the good work. emoticon
    1819 days ago
  • NEEDBU66
    Good. For. You.,

    At some point you need to stand up and say Enough is Enough.

    You did so. Now don't let them guilt you ....
    1819 days ago
    Wow, you are busy! Keep up the good work. emoticon
    1819 days ago
    Haha I looked at those pictures with my daughter sitting next to me. She saw the blood and goes "mmmm look mom it's jelly!". Needless to say, I gagged a little bit when she said that.

    Anyway, keep pushing forwards, you can do it!
    1819 days ago
    You have a lot on your plate! Good for you for saying no. You can't please everyone and most especially if you don't please yourself. This comes from a reformed people pleaser. I've learned to set realistic expectations with everyone to take the pressure off. Good luck getting everything done you want to do. I know you can do it!
    1819 days ago
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