a traumatic experience (1)
Monday, March 25, 2013
In my recent trip last summer visiting New York i had the opportunity to come in contact with EMDR.
It was a magic period , or at least perceived as such, by me.
A total respond to my singing "when you wish upon a star" a gift a strong push to rebound.
My experience was so complex and new, making me dream of new life, new possibilities and perspectives that is difficult to describe in its totality.
Making things smaller, today i wish to write down only a part of it:
My encounter with EMDR.
In 2000 i had a nightmarish experience. My beloved father became totally paralyzed in a less than a week period the doctors could not diagnose the cause could not figure out a treatment protocol,we were trapped in a dysfunctional hospital for some months. He was hospitalized under difficult ,unbearable conditions .
This was experienced by me as a frontal collision with a huge track. I had made this repulsing hospital my home , literally living there ,constricted to eyewitness horrible - for my up to date self- things, marginal behaviors, death , inhuman reasoning, a big devastating earthquake and how everybody was acting it out while in a hospital that was literally "under construction"as a building .........
To take a shortcut at the end my father got well and i was able to return to my town ,home and family after a period of some months which was perceived by me as an eternity.
Everything seemed to be again o.k.
but then suddenly
i began to wake up at night reviving the earthquake,returning in a deserted hospital by horrified flees of "humans", staying me and my little sis by my fathers bed and imagining we would be able to carry him out in every single aftershocks during the night, to dream again and again of sleeping in a chair in a hospital's corridor, or trying to pull my paralyzed father in my shoulders out of that hell e.t.c.
It was clear to the other part of my brain that something was asking for help, could not function properly , in other words a "S.O.S"sign was ON.
It would be rather boring or out of context to enumerate the attempts of getting out of my PTSD. First of all i had to understand and name it in order to understand who should i address for help.
I have tried to get into treatment with a gestalt therapist. She was a good one ,i was a difficult "not naive" client , knowing too much in theory,and this prooved to be a "light medicine" that need too much time to heal ....
the end came
somatic collapse into an autoimmune illness crisis ,DVT, Pulmonary embolism, that almost cost me my life and anyway marked me for life.
All these have been visited and revisited by me thousand of times either alone and/or in several "companies" in an effort to understand, to contain and assimilate them.
I almost believed that things had fallen into place.
Then my visit to New York ,a short pack of sessions offered with an EMDR therapist - the best hands i can imagine to let myself in- and the clear image of my wounds came back into light.
When i first entered the session a big part of me was not at all convinced. In any case procedures that have a strong formal pattern were always making me disbelieve and my mind tends to underrate them...
I was surprised to see how easily my "locked doors" began retreating.
Things got stirred up , re..........cannot yer find the word and
Recently back in Greece i had the opportunity to follow a short presentation of the method in my reading club and got to know a lady who works as a certified EMDR therapist in Athens.
Suddenly it was clear that minding, understanding, analysing , was not enough to CHANGE.
A good start, yes, but i needed for that the hidden wounded parts of myself that tend to be deaf and blind and wake up at "night" unconsciously almost urging me to spasmodically take care of them (the wrong way), feed them, make them happy again.
I felt it was a "key" offered" to me out of LOVE and i am working out the way to my visiting her in treatment. (of course i need to raise the money first and then face my guilts for spending money for....me ,with all these financial difficulties we are facing and ......but i know that even aiming at it , praying and expecting will lead me to the right "place")
Do not get me wrong i do not disregard all the way i have been walked already IT WAS ONLY TOO NECESSARY.
it is not enough
Parts that are disconnected, cur off ,do not function in tune, wait and hide , untamed because hurt, mute because horrified, blind to avoid revive painful situations take hold of self sometimes CLAIMing to be nurtured, taking care , treated to joy in a unutterable dis-articulate language that cannot wait anymore and want a quick fix.
But i am so very thankful
for the trip to NY, my first session offered to me as a gift out of LOVE,
that my hand is held all the way long,that in every turn there is hope and help .
We need only to be as open as possible to the GOOD and LOVE and POSITIVE that DO SURROUND us.
Good luck dear Sparkfriends take good care of yourselves and of the cosmos
and be happy