Sunday, March 24, 2013
Ok, I noticed I'm feeling really weirdly emotional and vulnerable and decided to come here again. I'm glad I didn't automatically start eating. On the contrary, I think I need to stop feeling weird before I have dinner...my heart feels kind of tight and my breath is kind of shallow. Trying to take some deep breathes as I'm writing this.
Today has been good so far. But, about an hour ago I was working on research stuff at a boba tea shop, and suddenly had this wave of panic and frustration, probably partially because I was looking back at old notes and realizing I was careless. Ever since then I've felt physically uncomfortable, the worst part being that chest tightness (gah let's hope this isn't like a sign of a heart attack! although I'm sure my stress is pushing me that direction). I kept waiting for it to go away, just enduring it until I reached a good stopping point half an hour later.
On the drive home I have no idea why, but I started feeling my nose sting and my eyes tear up, and wanted to cry. I know I was thinking about the past, but I'm not really sure why, and I'm not sure why it was affecting me so much when it usually doesn't. I'm still on the verge of crying but I don't see any reason for it! My heart kind of hurts and my body wants to cry but my mind finds this ridiculous. I'm having a lot of "WTF is wrong with me???" thoughts. Seriously. Today was a really good day. I've been having a really good week so far with no bingeing - ever since Wed! So anyway, this makes no sense and hence it is extremely irritating. I'm still feeling off, so I'll write some positive things again; if after that I haven't calmed down (this is going on 1 hour now) I'll try and go outside for a bit.
+ I used my surfboard for the first time in years this morning. One of my best friends is taking lessons, and so I told him I'd meet him there and just kind of play around near where he and the instructor were. There was a lot of flailing around, but I had fun regardless. I am so grateful he was out there because I usually won't go surfing by myself. So, I got in a fun activity that I love even if I'm terrible at it!
+ After surfing he didn't have anything planned so it was the perfect opportunity to introduce him to one of my favorite places, a laid-back little fish market not too far from the beach where they also serve food. I was happy since he liked it and said his wife would really like it too. Seriously it was a perfect place to go after surfing. I'm also glad for the time to just hang out. We talked a lot about our plans for next weekend (snow camping with our other friend!).
+ Despite starting to overeat a bit at home in the afternoon, I realized it early on and decided to go work away from home at the tea shop instead.
+ I actually mostly worked for 3 hours at the tea shop!!! I just need to keep doing this. It is always difficult to start because it's overwhelming how behind I am and how much I have to do, but I am showing myself that I can take small bits at a time, if I can just get over that initial fear, and that feels a lot better than doing nothing and just worrying.
+ I realized the anxiety and mood swings swelling up so I came here to process first instead of immediately trying to eat dinner, which was my first urge, but which would have been a kind of risky situation.
Ok, thank you for listening SparkFriends! I still have yet to finish making up my "immediate alternatives" to bingeing list but I hope to get to that soon. For now I will just try to remember journaling/blogging first since I know it is one of the skills I find particularly helpful.