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    JEROMESGURL   4,108
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Does weight define you????

Sunday, March 24, 2013

For many, many years, I have missed out on so many things because of the way i looked or felt, or weighed. I cannot tell you the happy times I denied myself because I did not feel like I deserved to enjoy it, or I was ashamed of the way I looked.
For instance, I am a beach girl. I LOVE the beach- and I practically lived there most of my adolescence. I surfed, modeled, sunned, played volleyball, fished boated, you name it, I was there. Then, I started gaining weight when I got pregnant with my son. I was fishing one night, and a kid walked past me with his friends and asked if i needed help getting back in the water after I beached myself. I held the tears, but i cannot tell you how it hurt, because i had heard things like that all my life, until I drasticly started dieting around 15. After that comment, my life completely changed. I rarely went anywhere. I hid myself as much as I could, turning down invitations to shopping and parties, and even my own baby shower. I had to be forced to go. What should have been one of the happiest moments of my life turned into the most horrific. I became agoraphobic. I did not make eye contact. I was a happy bubbly person who loved people and loved life, and i turned into a recluse and introvert who never hardly spoke to anyone, hardly went anywhere, barely had a life.
then one day, after my son came- it truly hit me- did I want this behavior to affect him, but most importantly, did I truly want what I looked like to define who I was, instead of the bubbly happy beautiful person I was??
It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I made the decision right then and there to live again. I called my friends, I made plans, I went to the beach, and do you want to know the truth? People did not treat me any different- sure- men might not have approached me the same way but was that really a bad thing??? lol - People spoke to me- I made friends, and I was happy-
I was me.
Your size does not determine who and what you are- only your heart, mind and soul can do that. It takes alot of courage and strength to take that first step- but like watching my son take his- one after the other it became easier until I could barely catch up with him-
and we both giggled all the way...

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SBGETFIT 5/23/2013 4:31PM

  I really enjoyed reading this not because of how you were hurting, but because I know how you feel. I too have not gone and done many things for fear of not being able to, or comments etc. Thanks for writing this.

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BSHOSH 4/11/2013 7:00AM

    Wow.. You really hit the nail on the head. For some many years and even in part today I let this thought control me. It's so hard to just let go and enjoy without the worry of what others might say or even worse, what they might think. It's time... To start a new me and a new attitude about me. We are really awesome people, huh?

Thanks for saying this out loud!

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TIMS4FISHIN1 4/10/2013 10:32PM

    Wow...I would probably have grabbed that kid and used him for shark bait after that comment, but, I know from my own experience from years ago that the pain you felt at that time only put your mind on how your heart was broken and how hurt you were.
And you are exactly right. Your weight doesn't have anything to do with the person you are. It's a shame that others that haven't had to struggle with weight issues can't see that, and how hard it is to make the transition. They don't even try to look at the beauty you have within. And they are missing out on a lot, because I'm sure you're the same way, and are a fun lovin', good friend with lots of love in your heart to dedicate to friendships.
You are a beautiful person, because you are you, and you are who God created. No matter how much weight you lose, or how you look (you're beautiful by the way), you are who you are...and that's just perfect!

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WHIRLYDERVY 4/8/2013 8:12PM

    Reading your story touches my heart way down inside where "the real me" has been hiding. i cry because i miss being able to just go out an DO whatever strikes my fancy without being ashamed of how i look.
With the help of SparkPeople, a therapist I see twice a week, and a promise I made to my new MD, I am starting to take my life back.
Check this out: last Thurs after promising my doctor to exercise, I went to a dance class. I thought it was gonna be a line dance thing but it turned out it was a social dance thing where you partner up!!!
The old me would have run out: I was TWICE the size of EVERYONE THERE!
But ya know what? I didn't look in the mirrors, instead I "pretended" I was normal-sized. I smiled my biggest smile and danced and had FUN. It turns out when I smiled big and "acted" like I belonged, the others treated me wonderfully. The one guy was SO gracious: he was so concerned with his steps that he and I just laughed together about our boofs and that was that.
There was some kind of MAGIC going on there -- and I
DO NOT know how it happened -- it is the first time I used my imagination and SMILING and my personality to just PRETEND I had a right to have fun.
IS THIS A BEGINNING OF TAKING BACK MY LIFE? I hope so... I just wanted to share this because I want to hug your pain away. Your story of pain, misery and humiliation has been my story and I think I'm beginning to stumble into something here... Certainly I feel NORMAL among everyone else in this Spark Community and maybe THAT is carrying over to real life?
This is scary, trying to get ourselves back. Together we can do it. Much love to you.

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KARIEWILLIS 4/3/2013 2:38PM

    I'm sorry about what that kid said to you. I know how you feel. The things people think they are entitled to say! It's a sad commentary on humanity.

However, I'm glad this eventually led you to the realization that your size doesn't make you who you are. This society likes to tell us that if we were just thinner, everything would be perfect. Which obviously isn't true, given the number of depressed thin people out there!

You seem like a great person. Kind and supportive of others. So you're already miles ahead of that poor, misguided child. Let's hope he's since seen the light. emoticon

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DENYMCBEE 4/2/2013 9:00PM

    It's funny that you write about this, as I read it I thought, no that's not me. But at times, it is me. I have a "friend" who is so preoccupied with how much everyone weighs and how much they have gained since the last time she saw them etc...and she honestly feels better about herself when people gain weight!?! I definitely don't feel comfortable around her as I feel like she's always judging me and talking about me to her husband when I'm not there. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one who knows inconsiderate people that make me change my behaviors when I should not!

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DANISTOLLS 3/30/2013 1:40PM

    Girl, I feel you on this!

Last year I was working out ALL the time and eating like a baby bird. I dropped to a very low weight, and even though you could literally see the bones in my chest, I thought I looked amazing. So, when I started gaining weight again after some personal stuff went down, I hated how I looked and I literally decided I had to put my life on hold until I got down to the smallest size I could be. Until my outside matched what I felt I was inside.

It wasn't until I actually threw away my scale that I realized how much more I was than a number. In fact, I used to keep a log on my fridge that I wrote my weight on every single day just so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. I ended up throwing that out, too, and instead putting up a log where I wrote one nice thing about myself per day, that way, even if I wasn't the emaciated beauty I wanted to be, I still understood that as I go through my journey, I still maintain all of the qualities within myself that I really like.

Thanks for this post!
D

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IMNOTSTOPPIN 3/29/2013 8:28PM

  It's sometimes has been so painful to have our weight define us so much. I was a 60 & 70's girl and everyone who was anyone was supposed to be rail-thin. If you weighed more than 120 you were considered fat. We're going to learn the appreciation of who we are and not base it on how much we weigh. I'm very proud of your courage. God bless you! Thanks for adding me as your friend, I've added you too.

Comment edited on: 3/29/2013 8:29:12 PM

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KIMKOMP13 3/27/2013 1:10AM

    I'm so happy that you shared this - I get negative comments all the time from members in my family, and it really hurts (even if they just mean it in good fun). But after reading this, I realize that there are people in my life who I care about enough to make this change for - including myself! Thank you again - and keep up your hard work :D

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63KEEPONGOING 3/26/2013 11:07PM

  To look at the beautiful person you are and to hear the happiness and joy that continually bubbles up in every thing you say and do, I would never have dreamed that you had been through an emotional roller coaster ride like this.
I see others feel like I have felt about myself most of my life too. I was always overweight , wanted to exclude myself from crowds, avoid pictures at all cost, and would look around in a crowded room to see if anyone was bigger than I was. Although, I felt this way and never seemed to get a hold on how to lose the weight, there was no way I could keep from serving the Lord in teaching Sunday School and in the Jail Ministry. I swallowed my pride and God gave me the strength to serve him. As I served him, I always felt like there was a link between my spiritual life and my physical life. What I am saying is that I knew my body was the temple of the Holy Spirit and I needed to take care of it if I were going to be physically fit to serve Him. In January 2013 I truly surrendered to lose the weight as I claimed his strength in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me.

YOU, my friend, are an inspiration to me and to so many that know you for the least amount of time. You are beautiful and are like a magnet that attracts people to you. You have what it takes to help others. You and Lord are a team. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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INHISHOUSE 3/26/2013 7:48PM

    Great post! The one thing I've noticed is that I have pictures of my kids, and of my kids with my husband, but barely any with me and the kids. I feel bad that I have deprived them of memories for long after I'm gone. The Lord has been working on me regarding my reclusiveness as well. Thanks so much for being so open and sharing your heart! Needed to hear it!

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TINYRUNNER-GIRL 3/26/2013 2:18PM

    What a cruel thing for someone to say, and it reflects so much more about them!
I see weight as two fold: a number on the scale and my body at any given moment. I've learned to see the number as nothing - it should be a certain place if I want to run as fast.
The other "defining weight," or what I think five extra pounds looks like on my waist or legs does define me and I fight that - I wouldn't go to a party because I thought, "well, I won't look pretty in this dress. or those jeans. Or I can't even wear jeans until I have a 25 waist." I was like you, I was that girl on the beach with tears in her eyes, and I recommit every day to never letting that stop me from living. I love that you are there!

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PENNYLYNN73 3/26/2013 1:17PM

    What a great revelation...and I have made this journey myself. It was a wonderful day when I realized that I could not like my weight and still love myself. Losing weight won't make me smarter, or a better friend or more lovable...getting healthy is not just physical. I am so glad that you recognize your worth. emoticon

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JEROMESGURL 3/26/2013 12:34PM

    gsmith842- it truly breaks my heart that you carry that with you- and i know- believe me- sometimes, even though for the most part- it is gone- once in awhile i look in the mirror and i can just hear his voice- the best thing i have ever done and the best advice i have ever gotten- is to take the brightest lipstick you have and write beautiful over the top- and keep it there- ( your housemates may get a slightly enlarged ego as well) BUT- you see it EVERYDAY- and after awhile like any habbit you will believe it- because sweetie- you ARE beautiful- and i am NOT just saying that- we are honest with each other here- and i dont lie(though i do candy coat) but you are- and pushing that voice further and further away is my main goal- if you ever wanna talk- friend me anyway just to say howdy- love to talk more if youd like- but thats what we are all here for- and we will OVERCOME!!!!!!
hugs,love and blessing always!!!!!
cherise

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SHILLEE 3/25/2013 9:50AM

    emoticon emoticon

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LIVINHEALTHY9 3/24/2013 7:15PM

    Reading what that kid said to you made me angry. I don't know that I would have been able to hold back and not say something to put him in his place. So sorry that happened to you.

As hard as it is to do, we must not let others define us.
And we need to be more kind to ourselves.

emoticon emoticon

Good Blog!

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4EVERNESS 3/24/2013 7:11PM

    Congratulations! But for me, it is a part of who I am, it is a small part in defining me. As most attributes are....

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KALLIE1958AR 3/24/2013 5:42PM

    emoticon emoticon

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