Sunday, March 24, 2013
For many, many years, I have missed out on so many things because of the way i looked or felt, or weighed. I cannot tell you the happy times I denied myself because I did not feel like I deserved to enjoy it, or I was ashamed of the way I looked.
For instance, I am a beach girl. I LOVE the beach- and I practically lived there most of my adolescence. I surfed, modeled, sunned, played volleyball, fished boated, you name it, I was there. Then, I started gaining weight when I got pregnant with my son. I was fishing one night, and a kid walked past me with his friends and asked if i needed help getting back in the water after I beached myself. I held the tears, but i cannot tell you how it hurt, because i had heard things like that all my life, until I drasticly started dieting around 15. After that comment, my life completely changed. I rarely went anywhere. I hid myself as much as I could, turning down invitations to shopping and parties, and even my own baby shower. I had to be forced to go. What should have been one of the happiest moments of my life turned into the most horrific. I became agoraphobic. I did not make eye contact. I was a happy bubbly person who loved people and loved life, and i turned into a recluse and introvert who never hardly spoke to anyone, hardly went anywhere, barely had a life.
then one day, after my son came- it truly hit me- did I want this behavior to affect him, but most importantly, did I truly want what I looked like to define who I was, instead of the bubbly happy beautiful person I was??
It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I made the decision right then and there to live again. I called my friends, I made plans, I went to the beach, and do you want to know the truth? People did not treat me any different- sure- men might not have approached me the same way but was that really a bad thing??? lol - People spoke to me- I made friends, and I was happy-
I was me.
Your size does not determine who and what you are- only your heart, mind and soul can do that. It takes alot of courage and strength to take that first step- but like watching my son take his- one after the other it became easier until I could barely catch up with him-
and we both giggled all the way...