Sunday, March 24, 2013
I'm going to post this blog on my cupboard and try to refer to it when I get in that unstoppable mindset. Waking up the morning after a binge (a really big binge) has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. So here's a list of everything I really hate about what binge eating does to my body:
1. Heart palpitations and sweats from my body working so hard to digest all that extra food.
2. The salt hangover sensation in my mouth, like I haven't brushed my teeth in weeks.
3. The horrible empty/raw stomach feeling of the over production of acid in my belly.
4. Looking at all the wrappers in the trash and knowing what I have done.
5. Stinky, awful, putrid flatulence. I'm a walking sulfur bomb and it's disgusting.
6. The knowledge that no amount of hard exercise today is going to make up for what I ingested last night.
7. The feeling of the swing between hi and low blood sugar and the moods that the swing initiates.
8. Going to the fridge and realizing that I ate a bunch of things that I was saving for later.
9. Feeling lonely and depressed over what I've done. You can brag about exercise, you can't brag about binging.
10. The feeling of total lack of self control on top of the feeling of absolute control. I did exactly what I wanted to do, ate exactly what I wanted to eat and yet just couldn't stop myself from doing it.
All I can do now is move on and start over. Like I've tried to every time before. But ground zero is not a happy place to be. I've lost that happy place that got me this far and some days it feels like I'll never see it again. The things that worked for me before aren't working anymore, so I'm back to searching for the thing that will. And just trying not to destroy my progress thus far.