hanging on and letting go
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Sometimes the best laid plans dont always work out. and sometimes we are reminded of things we would rather forget..but know that we never can or ever will forget.
Today my good friend, the one who had court yesterday, asked me to come to the walking track where he had brought his daughter and her friend to play at the playground nearby.
He said we can walk awhile...the way we used to.
But I had to tell him that I am still unable to walk.
But, I drove up by there, he wasnt there by the time I got there. But even just the drive up there was bittersweet.
The memories of better days...not just the walking days, but him coming to walk with me...even as he was dealing with his own demons and problems.
Coming to encourage me to keep at it, and even now, yesterday was his hearing and he thought of me today.
Then on the drive home, I was in such a good mood, despite the fact that I had to decline the walk, as I passed by my best friends house I seen her and her boyfriend, the cad, sitting on her front porch, drinking beer, which they had to raise into the air as I passed, as though they were toasting, maybe they were.
It angered me, recalling his recent hateful words about me and all of her friends, her son and herself, and yet there she sat with him..as though nothing had happened...and so I passed on by with a courtesy toot of the horn and was still determined to come home and get ready for a night out with friends...and was almost to the turnoff to my road, when I passed another old friend.
A friend I havent seen or spoken to since December...a friend who invokes painful thoughts and memories in my mind and tears at my heart.
A friend who I cherished and who lives so very close by and yet I cannot see them or talk to them or them to me....or they will not I guess.
For their own reasons, whatever they are.
But my mood changed on a dime.
I felt the feelings I had been letting go of, come rushing back and wondered why am I not good enough.
Why do I allow them still all these months later to make me feel like I am not good enough to even speak to???
I know its crazy to hang on to such feelings, and I hate that I do....if I had gotten home maybe 2 minutes earlier I would not have seen them and my night would have been as planned, happy.
But, I ended up feeling depressed and angry and wishing I could go back to December and see what I could have done differently.
And wishing I could walk.
Because after I got home and decided not to go out with my friends for the evening, I found myself very bored and lonely and wishing there was something to do. And I found myself wanting to eat!!! I wanted to eat junk and I was able to reason with myself enough not to binge...although I did drink two beers and even that made me feel worse, so I stopped at two, knowing all I was doing was digging myself deeper into a state of self loathing.
I didnt overeat....but I could have made better choices. White bread and bacon with mayo sandwich...wasnt exactly a healthy dinner.
The logical thing would have been to clean house, workout, read my book...but instead, I sat on my front porch, wondering if I would see them drive back by and wondering if they would see me and wondering why I give a damn!!!!
But, I let it go, came inside and watched a movie.
The nostaglia I think I felt from driving up to the walking track and the invitation from my friend to come walking...it all just took me back to a better time and made me realize, I cannot walk, I dont know when I will be able to walk and it pains me and then why did that chance passing on the roadway occur while all those painful thoughts were already inside me????
Why does anything happen?
People say they happen for a reason, crossing paths, whatever....
I wish I knew the answers to all the questions and I wish I didnt let little things like someone elses dislike for me ingrain itself into my heart and mind.
I wish I had an outlet for my anger and sadness and I wish even more that I didnt feel the anger or sadness.
But I sat here all evening, feeling this building up inside me and knowing I have to find a way to deal with it.
I have to let it go....
I want so badly to just let it go.....