Ok, first I'm just going to say that I'm having a craving/urge right now (I checked in and am definitely not physically hungry because it's specific sweet stuff that I want to eat and not anything else) I'm glad that I managed to think clearly enough to figure out this option of blogging before giving in, or aimlessly fighting an urge with sheer willpower, which doesn't usually work when the urge has been going on as long as it has been without subsiding. It's one of those really annoying, really distracting, strong urges and it's been going on for the past 3 hours. I've been resisting since I want to keep up my streak of no bingeing, and at I can tell this is not a safe time to just have "a little bit" because it will turn into a binge.
I didn't write about it but I got a reality check on Friday - I went to student health for a routine appointment and the nurse pulled up stats on my vitals since 2008. Until last year, my weight had been more or less stable, 115-120 lbs, and then it ramped up (along with my blood pressure and pulse). Yesterday my weight was at 137.5 lbs. The nurse graphed this data and it looked like a freaking exponential.
And there was a flag on the BMI (flags show up if your stats are out of normal range), since now it's...high. Sigh! I asked for a print out of the stats and I'm putting it up on the refrigerator (which is easily seen from anywhere in my place since I live in a studio) as a reminder. Well ok, as we all know, weight isn't everything, so I really should check my body composition to check fat as well, since I did do a lot of training last year that probably would have built up more muscle, but the big gut that gets in my way every time I bend over or sit and the fact that most of my pants don't fit anymore are giveaways that it's not just that I gained muscle. So, anyway, I think it was the graph of weight over time that was the most shocking. It just looked really bad. Fortunately my blood pressure and pulse are still "excellent" as she said, but they're higher than usual for me.
Anyway, as of yesterday I kind of set a more long-term goal. There's a camping/running/hiking/climbin
g trip to Zion with a big group of friends and friends of friends set for the weekend of May 10-12, and I want to be fit enough to enjoy that to the max! I don't climb too much but it's basically going to be a free-for-all outdoor party, and I know there are some excellent climbers going who hopefully won't mind letting a beginner jump on their top rope setup occasionally... anyway, it's a specific date that is far out enough to hopefully keep me motivated. I'm so tired of having more injuries crop up from the extra weight. I want to get back to running with the group. I don't want to be limited by my body or my discomfort and lack of confidence about it and its abilities, like with what happened this weekend. So let's do this!
I still struggle with the time it takes to deal with these urges (for instance, processing my feelings in this blog is going to take a while, but it's distracting me from the urge, which I hope will go away), but I think I just need to realize that I wouldn't be doing anything productive anyway...I'd be too distracted to work, and I'd be pacing around with major indecision and anxiety about going to get binge food. Fortunately, this time it is a specific craving for things not in my place right now (unfortunately sometimes I'll just binge on anything), which means I'd actually have to go out and get it.
Things I just realized I want to do: (1) re-print out my list of immediate alternatives to do when I'm feeling an urge, and put journaling at the top, so it's easier for me to remember, because I forget about this so often in the intensity and urgency of the moment, (2) add coming here! I can't remember if it was on my list or not, because I lost my list. I know that sounds silly but oftentimes I hide the list or put it down or something because I don't want people to see it, but then it's not in an easily accessible place or I lose it and then when I need it to be super obvious and in my face because my single track mind is on bingeing, it's not there.
Ok, and a few positive things about today since I'm also kind of experiencing that weird-out disconnected feeling that is often a trigger for me to binge.
+ This morning, because I was so butthurt and upset and sulky from not being able to go on the long hike, I did a short bike ride to a place I like to run, did a little run-walk (couldn't quite run the whole thing because the knee/hip issue just started to resurface, so I stopped running at that point), biked back home, then went to yoga, and I felt a lot better. Take that angst!
+ Thank goodness I made the right decision this morning not to buy risky food when I went grocery shopping. It was after my aforementioned activities, so I was feeling calm and confident that I could eat some and not all of it at that time, but I figured I'd not do that just in case I felt differently later, and it's paying off now.
+ I haven't had 3 days without bingeing in a LONG time. I am proud of myself for that. It gives me some will to keep fighting. It is tiring to fail over and over.
+ I played with my new bike pedals this morning in the parking lot this morning!
+ I'm going outside to take some deep breaths and watch the sunset to see if it'll help me to ditch that urge feeling, although this has helped a bit as well.
I hope everyone here is doing well. I know it helps me and gives me motivation when I read about others having success.