An assignment for one of my classes: an annotated bibliography. For those who are unsure as to what this means a bibliography is a list of sources and the fact that it needs to be annotated means that I have to write a small paragraph on what the book, article etc contains. A basic summary of the information found with - if possible a bit of the author's background etc.
We were allowed to choose our own topics. Not knowing what to pick I decided my research question that I'd answer with the sources I chose: Does nutrition have any impact on cancer?
Well....now that I am starting to read these books and articles, all these fears are coming up. According to one of the books I read, my lymphoma - even though I'm ''cured'' -has a 80% chance of coming back considering what stage I was labelled and my symptoms. I'm starting to panic inside. I have the worse luck out of anyone I know. With my luck it will be back- the only question is: when?
Another thing another mentions is that communication with your doctor and health team is important. I am about to admit someone I've kept to myself: when asked how I was doing during each treatment when the nurse came around with her little questionnaire, I LIED. There I said it.
The nurse's standard questionnaire asked:
''In the past 24 hrs have you had an:
-Tingling in hand and feet?
How's your energy? Appetite? Sleep?''
Things like that were asked at each appointment. At first, I was honest but then -I'd estimate around the 4th or 5th treatment out of 16-I realized 2 things: 1) me saying all this was giving them insight that I did NOT want them to have and 2) me complaining made me sound whiny and I was being dependent on them. 2 things I hate being.
Not only that but I'm used to lying about how I feel; physically emotionally or mentally. *Snort* When the words ''I'm okay'' or ''I'm fine'' come out of my mouth I'm the only one who seems to realize something's wrong.
What or how I'm feeling doesn't matter. What does matter is that to everyone else I'm okay; I'm not fragile; I'm NOT!
After all as one of my favorite songs goes:
''How does it feel on your half of the world? If you'd ask they'd say nothings changed on mine.
Just because I tell a joke or two, and believe I've got the whole world fooled,
Done a damn good job to hide the hurt behind the lies.
Didn't even tell my mama, even my best friend,
How you walked out and took my pride.
I've been living on the outside dying on the inside''.
Instead what matters is what everyone thinks and sees. I'm too used to being the COMFORTER I hate being the COMFORTED. There are very few people I feel I can be vulnerable around. That I believe, all comes down to trust- I do not trust easily. Takes me years in fact.
Wow, felt really good to get that all out! Thanks your listening- you guys are