Saturday, March 23, 2013
I'd like to begin with a picture from the past:
I'm in the center before an open water race 10 years ago. I remember posing for this picture and the first time I saw this picture. Posing for this picture I felt uncomfortable and miserable. I wanted nothing more than to avoid actually posing for this picture. I was hung over, apathetic, and really just wanted to plunge my head into the ocean immediately. Not to mention I also thought I was fat.
My mother always told me one day that would happen. I would look back and think to myself, "How could you have been so hard on yourself?"
A few months later a friend of mine put this picture in an album as a gift. That was the first time I ever saw this picture and the worst part was that I didn't realize I was in the picture. I thought it was just a group of my friends. I never saw myself as that thin, smiley, or even tan. It also helped me understand the eating disorder I was battling, but never sought professional help for. The scary part was that for years I fought to return to that image every time I realized I was gaining weight. I was JEALOUS of the girl in the picture.
Every once in a while I still am. Each time I catch myself with those unhealthy thoughts I remember the emotional turmoil you can't see in that picture. That this time I will maintain a perspective of well-rounded health. The number on the scale is not the determination of happiness - and quite frankly it isn't always the sign of healthiness. 10 years ago I might have had the perfect BMI, body fat, and jeans size, but at what cost?
This time I am working on the outside from the inside. So I post this picture as a reminder to never get carried away, to never become obsessed, crazy or angry about any number on this journey or at the end of it - not calories, not fat, not weight, not pants size. I will not solve these things with apathy or control; I will get down to the root and accept myself for better or worse, just like the people who already love me for me.