Saturday, March 23, 2013
I just realized very recently that I now reached the status of "fat" that is best described as "not that fat". If people would know that I still weigh about 273lbs, they probably wouldn't see me as "not that fat" but as it is, I am pretty muscly and somewhat tall for a woman and I now wear size 16 pants and XL shirts are sometimes even big on me. I don't understand how that works - that my friend who is 20lbs lighter than me wears two sizes bigger pants (she is a bit shorter but not that much) but I just have to accept it and be happy about it.
Anyway. Recently I noticed my skinny friends complaining to me about fat people and that never, ever happened to me. They talk to me as if I was a member of their skinny club, though eventually they realize that I am still much heavier than them and correct themselves by "But these people are not like you, they are MUCH bigger".
The first time was when my cleaning lady told me about her mother-in-law who had weight-loss surgery because she was an incredible 270lbs. Then another friend told me about this mom friend of her she had over who didn't keep her toddler in check and not only that, she also committed the crime of being fat and frumpy. "But she was much bigger than you and you are never frumpy, you always look great" she backtracked. Ok.
Then a few days ago I met my friend for coffee and she told me about a conference she went to in Ohio. She asked me "Could it be that people in Ohio are a lot heavier than here?". My husbands family is in Ohio, so apparently I am an expert on the people of Ohio. "I mean, they were MUCH bigger than you. Even when you were bigger and anyway, now you are not really big anymore.". Thanks!
It puzzles me because my friends I have known for years and they never ever said anything about anybody being big. Is that what skinny people talk about? How fat other people are? I have to say, I don't enjoy discussing other people's appearances. I know I should probably take it as a compliment that they now feel like I am small enough to be "one of them" but I don't like it.
Otherwise I have been in a bit of a strange mood. My husband and I want to start trying to conceive in a month or two but we haven't been super careful in the last month either. So for the past week I was pretty sure I was pregnant. I finally took a test today, after I had been late with my period for a few days (which I usually never am) but it was negative. With my daughter I got a clear positive, a good week before my period was due, so I am sure this negative test is accurate. I had a very stressful month with a mammogram (luckily everything was OK), a few important work things, traveling by myself with my toddler, flying for the first time since I lost weight and some very heavy family problems, so I think it's only natural that my hormones are going a bit crazy and would make me late. But it's been hard to deal with the "Am I? Am I not?". Also because, part of me really, really wants to be pregnant again but another part of me knows that right now is not good, in a month or two is much, much better (we have a big trip coming to see family and friends and I wouldn't want to have to explain to everybody why I am not drinking/eating certain things and I definitely don't want to have morning sickness).
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I always expected my next pregnancy to be different. I would be skinny and show early and people would want to touch my belly. I would look cute in pregnancy clothes and everybody would ask me when I am due. With my daughter, none of this happened. The first time a stranger asked me when I am due, I was 8.5 months pregnant. Only one friend wanted to touch my belly. I am a pear shape, so gaining weight in my abdomen, people just thought I got bigger. I remember being 20 weeks along, not quite ready to tell my friends I was pregnant, at a Christmas party and nobody noticed anything at all. I was about 50lbs heavier when I got pregnant with my daughter though and I gained A TON of weight. I won't let this happen again though. I really won't. I learned my lesson.
I have a feeling though, that the coming months will be a lot more confusing in terms of wondering if I am pregnant or not.