Saturday, March 23, 2013
I need help! At the beginning of March, March 8th to be exact I weighed 171.3. This past week I have weighed 178!!! The week Levi was born I had backed cookies for the nurses that were covering the shift of her labor and I probably ate about 12-14 of them!! Insanely too many cookies. I get sick thinking about it. I binged The binge I don't think stopped there. I can't remember but I know that weekend I didn't eat healthy. Michael was gone and I was upset about it. I know the weight was from the cookie binge though, it takes a few days to show on the scale. When is it going to stop mom? I almost weigh 180 pounds!!! I weigh more now then I did before my surgery (I was 173) only now I put weight on in places people really can see.
Then tonight I had a flashback, I have not had one in years. Michael had been drinking rum and cokes, but not just any rum, Bacardi gold. A very popular alcohol of my early 20's. For some reason it flashed me back to my behavior after that butt hole assaulted me. I was kissing him and I had to stop it was making feel panicky and dirty.
I'm doing really good in school so I really don't want to go back on antidepressants, but I don't know how else to stop this wacko behavior of eating stupid junk under control. Why do I not care about myself enough to stop? Am I not worth it?
On top of all that I am pretty sure I'm the reason we are broke but I have nothing to show for it. I am not really even sure where it's going.
The doctors here suck so even if I go see one they will just throw pills at me.
Momma I want it to STOP!!! I'm going to die early if I don't take hold of this crap!!