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A message to my momma

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I need help! At the beginning of March, March 8th to be exact I weighed 171.3. This past week I have weighed 178!!! The week Levi was born I had backed cookies for the nurses that were covering the shift of her labor and I probably ate about 12-14 of them!! Insanely too many cookies. I get sick thinking about it. I binged The binge I don't think stopped there. I can't remember but I know that weekend I didn't eat healthy. Michael was gone and I was upset about it. I know the weight was from the cookie binge though, it takes a few days to show on the scale. When is it going to stop mom? I almost weigh 180 pounds!!! I weigh more now then I did before my surgery (I was 173) only now I put weight on in places people really can see.

Then tonight I had a flashback, I have not had one in years. Michael had been drinking rum and cokes, but not just any rum, Bacardi gold. A very popular alcohol of my early 20's. For some reason it flashed me back to my behavior after that butt hole assaulted me. I was kissing him and I had to stop it was making feel panicky and dirty.

I'm doing really good in school so I really don't want to go back on antidepressants, but I don't know how else to stop this wacko behavior of eating stupid junk under control. Why do I not care about myself enough to stop? Am I not worth it?

On top of all that I am pretty sure I'm the reason we are broke but I have nothing to show for it. I am not really even sure where it's going.

The doctors here suck so even if I go see one they will just throw pills at me.

Momma I want it to STOP!!! I'm going to die early if I don't take hold of this crap!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1) DO NOT beat yourself up. All these negative thoughts are JUST thoughts. Keep reminding yourself of that.

    2) Be kind to yourself. You are doing these things because somewhere in your mind you believe that overeating is helping you to cope--to protect yourself. Thank this part of yourself for trying its best to look out for you. Keep talking to it. Keep reassuring it that you now have healthier ways to take care of yourself, but that you appreciate it looking out for you

    3) You did not gain all this weight overnight so don't expect it to disappear so quickly. Practicing eating healthy and making exercise a habit take time. Just keep on figuring out how to enjoy the process. I started by making sure I drank 8 glasses of water every day. Did this for years. Eventually, I added other healthy habits. You don't have to incorporate healthy habits as slowly as I did, but don't beat yourself up over how long it's taking you. Now I focus on what I can ADD to my life instead of what to take out. For instance, I don't cut out sweets, but I've added lots more fruits and vegetables. I've added exercises that I like.

    4) Know your triggers. Someone not being around...feeling like a victim (again)...being tired. You can continue to use these as excuses not to make healthy choices. Or, you can really explore these feelings and find healthier ways to deal with them.

    I've done all the things I've told you not to do. But, over time I've gotten better and better at handling my issues. I'm not perfect, but I know that there's no "end" to this process. It truly is a way of life. Somewhere along the way I started to enjoy it. I hope you do too.
    1824 days ago
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