Friday, March 22, 2013
So I've found myself, over the past year or so, fluctuating up to the 160's to the 140's. I've been lost in myself, making poor decisions and not really understanding my body. This is the crazy break down of my past year:
1.Almost exactly a year ago, I began with overwhelming guilt, laziness, irritability, lethargy, and I found that I had lost interest in everything that once made me happy. Severe undiagnosed Depression. Ouch. Rough stigma. Along with the anti-depressants that I was on, I was also diagnosed with generalized social anxiety. UHG seriously? A couple of prescriptions later, I was on my way.
2. A couple of months later, I seemed to be doing much better. My energy levels were peaking and I would go in and out of being simply elated! Eventually I began taking more and more anti-anxiety drugs to counteract the excessive energy and racing thoughts. My regular rum&diets and redbull vodkas turned into bud lights mixed with klonopins to settle me down. The less sleep I got, the more energy I had. Little strange, right? The worst words were uttered in the cold doctors office that I had ever heard. BiPolar disorder. WTF! I didn't have mood swings, and I'm certainly not crazy! So with the new diagnosis, came more and more 'experimental' drugs. Fun. Drowsiness, fuzziness, strange sadness, and frequent thoughts of suicide ensued. Long story short, it sucks. You think the stigma of being depressed is bad? Try BiPolar. People think you fly off the handle in a heart beat--soooo not me. I've always prided myself in being able to overcome anything that has been thrown my way.... this is the first thing in my life that I literally have no control of. I'm at the mercy of my psychiatrist's recommendations for drugs and lifestyle change. Sucks.
3. Did you know that people with BiPolar disorder are 10-20 times more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol? For a year straight, I binge drank 6-7 nights per week. My liver is so in love with me. I'd never understood the correct definition of 'alcohol dependency' until these last few weeks. Being an "alcoholic" is probably the hardest thing to admit to yourself, but again, its the first part of the process. One more negative stigma to add to the list.
4. Finally some good news. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Feb 13th. That is a month and a little over a week as of today. I can say that is the longest I have gone without alcohol since I was 16 years old.... and saying that out loud definitely doesn't elicit a proud response in me. However, I'm proud that I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than a substance. Don't take me wrong, it's not been easy, but every time I crave a beer or a cocktail, I think of all the people I've hurt, money I've wasted, and the torture I've put my body through. A cleanse is worth it.
Ranting: Here is the problem with our society. Especially for 20-somethings (and beyond), our entire social lives revolve around alcohol and food. Do you know how few social activities there are to do that don't involve either? Even the movie theaters here serve food and alcohol. Dinner parties? Bowling? Do I sound like a home body yet? So not me. I love dressing up and going to bars, sober or not. Until bar close when I'm the DD and everyone wants to go to the after parties. Sigh.
Been a strange and interesting year, but with the right support and lifestyle changes, I'm hopeful that this was the shove I needed. I hope I haven't been too forward with this blog, but I'm also hopeful it can somehow help others deal with any similar issues.
Feeling positive and praying for the best. Keep putting positivity and love out there and it will come back to you.
Goodnight for now!!!