Friday, March 22, 2013
Oh my is right. Wow I sure don't want to see what those pesky scales have to say this week. I"ve stayed pretty much the same for two weeks and now this week I see a break through but believe me it isn't in the way I would like to see them move...
nope more like
Yup poor poor me.
ok I think I know who I want to be....the best me I can be. But I don't seem to be proving that to myself or anyone right now. I have fallen and can't seem to get back up. I mean it isn't like it is a day off or a weekend of not planning. Nope this is like two years of " I will do this" and then more " darn i'm failing myself yet again".
I've often thought about giving up and just walking away and trying to just be happy with who I am at this moment. The problem with that is that in reality I hate the person I am right this moment. I'm ashamed that I have gained all the weight I lost back, i'm tired to the point of why bother it isn't going to change anything. I do what I should for a week, sometimes two and then I step on the scales and nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Either i'm the same or im up yet again. I mean since January i've been "back on track"...I'm exactly one pound less today than I was on January 1st. Now that isnt because I worked at it. Nope that is because I didn't believe enough in myself to even hardly begin. I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago and had to "borrow" a few things from my mom so I had something to wear...I was at her house in Florida and what I packed didn't fit. Meaning that anything I had of packed wouldn't of fit. that is the place i'm at. My weekend wear is sweats, my work wear is clothes that fit but they are navy blue and Khaki, the colors of Walmart. So you see there I have to shop for what will fit as I have to have something to wear to the Pharmacy each day...they frown on nudity.....but I digress. It isn't funny. It is sad. I"m sad, mad, upset, ashamed, and mostly envious of all that have or are succeeding at this point. Why? When i'm the reason for the setbacks should I be jealous of anyone? Because I was there. I was the one with the "I lost again this week" posts. I was the one that ate what was good for me and I even found a few things I really liked that I would of never eaten before. I have exercised and I love that part. Probably a good thing or I would way over what I am right now. So as I close tonight, i'm still trying find my way. I won't end this blog because to be honest it doesn't end here. This is the beginning. I have so much baggage inside me right now that I feel like I need to blog it out one day at a time. I may not find a miracle but maybe after i've put it out there I will find a way to heal.
I so want to be the me I know I can be. I'm strong, i'm capable, i'm a doer, and it is time to start doing something that will do me good instead of the things that I have done to myself to hurt me.