Friday, March 22, 2013
Sometimes I just feel like I am not going to be enough.
Take these meds to help with your depression anxiety - feel like a failure for having to take them and not just "suck it up".
-- or --
Take no meds, but be unstable and hear about how I am difficult to deal with and "need to get myself into check".
I recently went back on a benzo after much discussion/heated argument with my doctor. My anxiety disorder was getting out of control. The problem? My husband is terrified of having them in the house. He has reason - I am a recovering alcoholic (sober over 18mos and very, very proud). My husband loves me, and he gets it to a degree, but sometimes he let's my good days blind him to just how bad my bad days are. And that makes seeking help from medications difficult. That's why I ended up becoming an alcoholic - to self-medicate. I understand that I have what many would refer to as an "addictive personality", but I have been a model of recovery. And I have NEVER had issues with pills. Yes, I understand the risks, but they are greatly outweighed by the benefits for someone like me, who was getting to the point that my anxiety was keeping me from making it through my day without a full blown panic attack.
My husband is an amazing person, and he tries to be supportive in this. But he also makes things so difficult sometimes by not fully understanding that having Panic Disorder/Psychotic Depression (yeah, sounds fun, eh?) is more than your typical "take this antidepressant and see a therapist 3x a week" diagnosis. It's a full blown struggle.
I know it has little to do with weight loss, but it has everything to do with my self image and who I am. I am fine 95% of the time -- you'd never know.
I'm not looking for anything out of this post. I guess I'm more just venting and want to know that it's ok to be me. That asking for help is ok.