Friday, March 22, 2013
I keep slipping up. I keep falling into old bad habits. Therefore, the scale is bouncing and I hate it. Six months ago I was within 5 pounds of my "goal" weight. Now, I am 15 pounds from it.
I lost confidence. I lost discipline. I lost nice warm weather. I have slacked so bad that I no longer exercise as a habit. It's all excuses. It's all me trying to rationalize my complete failure to stick to my goals. I have NEVER fully reached a hard goal that I have set for myself. I get really close, but that last domino just never falls into place.
Now, the depression is settling in hard. The workouts do wonders for those feelings, but lately, I catch myself thinking. "Why bother? You will never have the body you want. You will always be fat and flabby."
It doesn't help that I've got people in my life that tell me that "You don't have the genetics to have that kind of body. You should just settle for what you have." So, I'll always have to be unhappy with myself when I look in the mirror. I'll constantly have to know I am not good enough to be the person I want to be.
For a while I could turn this around and push myself harder, but after a year of trying so bloody hard and not being able to get there, I am stalling out. I am not really chasing a number on the scale. It's just the easiest to explain to people. I want to see a few certain things in the mirror change, but nothing has really.
Maybe this is as good as I can do. I like food and I am lazy. I have no desire to run marathons or compete in athletics. I like video games and to play dress up. I can't even finish one freaking costume. I can't even get myself to start. Add the horrid sinus infection I have and I am really a sad panda.