Question posed: Is your friend just busy or giving you the cold shoulder?
My last blog post about utilizing the serenity prayer with my mother got me thinking about another relationship (or lack thereof) which is frustrating me. I think the good ol' prayer should be applied for my current situation.
Here are the facts: For the past couple of months I've been making genuine efforts to re-connect with a male friend, N., from graduate school. Actually, I originally contacted him in January 2012 (we finished our graduate studies in May 2010) through Facebook, asking if he wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up. Understand that this is a platonic relationship -- we never dated, shared a drunken kiss, or flirted with each. It's true that I was originally attracted to him and I'm sure he got that vibe, but once I quickly learned he had a serious girlfriend I never acted on or voiced my feelings. I was happy enough for us to be platonic friends and that's how it was throughout the time we spent in the graduate program together. We weren't best buddies or anything, but I did consider him a friend since we occasionally worked out at the gym together, did study groups together, and exchanged gifts over the holidays.
Anyway, back to January 2012. I got in touch with him and we talked over the phone about making time to meet up for coffee, but our work schedules were in conflict, not to mention we were living in different cities at the time. So our tentative plans to catch up in person over coffee fizzled out and were forgotten by both that year... However, I made it a part of my New Year's resolutions in January 2013 to follow through and re-connect not only with N., but other "facebook friends" in which I haven't seen in person for years. I'm making good progress and have already had two coffee dates with two friends from high school.
I figured I could do the same with N. so I sent him a message on February 8, 2013, "Hey, you! Long time no see, again. Hard to believe it's already 2013. Are we still on for that cup of coffee? Drop me a line when you get a chance. Hope you and your family are well." N. took awhile to reply, but he responded on February 21st, "Hi! Good to hear from you. I'm working in Phoenix now at.... Let's get that coffee if you're ever downtown."
I responded the same day through Facebook to his message, "Hi N., Glad to hear you're enjoying your new work position. Let me know which days and times are good for you. I'm usually free after 7 pm during the week and my weekends are flexible."
It was approaching mid-March and he hadn't replied to my last message to set up a time to meet, so I sent him a follow-up email on March 13th, "Hi, N. Just following through to coordinate a tentative day and time to meet for coffee. Let me know what's convenient for you."
He responds later on March 15th, "
Hey, Thanks for following through. Do you ever make it downtown? My wife and I live out in......so it is tough for me to make it to.......in the evenings. Let me know what works for you."
I responded the same day on March 15th, "Are weekdays during the evenings better for you then? Sure, I make it out to downtown Phoenix now and then. Weekends, though, are usually better for me and......isn't that far from where I live -- about 30 minutes. Want to meet sometime this weekend? Feel free to text or call me at xxxxxxxxx."
Well, today is March 22nd and he still hasn't contacted me. I thought, "Maybe he is waiting until I directly contact him through his cell phone..." But when I updated my cell phone contact list a few months ago, I didn't include his old number because I figured it was outdated.
It was probably overkill but I figured I could send him one last message on Facebook this morning, "Hi N., Hope this last week has treated you kindly. So what's your schedule like for the upcoming week? And what's the best number to reach you? Was rather hoping we can finally catch up over that cup of coffee before another year passes by ;) Take care."
I figured I made it clear I wasn't avoiding calling him, but that I didn't have his current cell phone number. So now that he has MY number and I requested HIS number, I've done everything on my part to make this darn coffee meet up happen. I promised myself I am not "following through" or checking in with him anymore -- the onus is on him now. I have no idea why he would act that he was interested in catching up in person when it appears he has no intention of doing so. I can't but help feel a bit rejected, as if I'm not even worth the time to meet up for coffee. And keep in mind we haven't seen each other in person for nearly 3 years. It's not as if I'm this stalker-ish friend who demands his attention all the time. Nor am I carrying a torch for him...his behavior seems so odd :(
Moral of the story: Judge people by their actions, NOT their words.