Believing in 'I AM'
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thanks for everyone’s support on my ‘no good very bad day’. I’m feeling better today. Less angry than I was yesterday. I was really ready to give it to’em yesterday when I got to work but it turned out several of them were out of the office so I didn’t get the chance. Just as well, telling someone to ‘bite me’ is probably a career limiting move, lol.
I was looking at my Sparkpoints calendar. I have successfully logged every single thing that went into my gob – good or bad – for the past 22 days. Patterns emerge! Though nothing that I didn’t know already. In particular, I’m better during the week than I am on weekends. But I did notice that each weekend I go a little less over than I did the weekend before. I have lost 10 lbs in 4 weeks – that makes me feel awesome. Being back up at 333 was a scary thing and I’m glad it went away relatively quickly. I know this journey won’t be that smooth forever but taking my concentration away from a number on a scale – by putting that scale in the closet until weigh-in day and not leaving it in the bathroom so it can taunt me ‘get on me! Just take a peek! I’ll ruin your day or make it depending on what I say!’ – has really helped. I’m working on me as a whole – spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally – all of it as one package. And I’m starting to feel better and stronger mentally and physically.
This week I have been working on visualization and meditation on the ‘I AM’. I know – sounds weird right? Well I’ve read this in a few different yoga and meditation books and I recently started seeing a professional coach who also brought it up. A professional coach is sort of like a ‘counsellor for work’. We have a very progressive director in our department and she believes that working with professional coaches on both personal and work related areas can help improve performance, concentration and dedication at work as a whole. I believe she’s right. So this coach is not a psychologist or a counsellor – he concentrates more on giving me tools to help build my confidence, improve my communication styles in various types of settings, help me set goals personally and professionally and create plans to reach those goals. I’ve been very open with him about this year being about the year I learn to love myself and he’s very excited to work with me on this. One of the things he wants me to do is write down what I want to be but in the tone that it already exists such as:
I am a healthy and strong person.
I am happy.
I am kind and compassionate.
I am approachable, fun and light hearted.
I am a runner and I love to exercise.
I am worth the effort I put into myself.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I’m supposed to repeat these in front of the mirror first thing when I get up in the morning and before I go to bed at night. And while I’m falling asleep, visualize those things as being the truth. Visualize myself running, or wearing that red dress, or flirting shamelessly without self consciousness. Have you ever tried this? Turns out - much harder than I thought. To face myself and tell myself these things. (Besides feeling like a knob in general, it's uncomfortabel to stare at yourself and tell yourself stuff you may not necessarily believe right now.)
The other thing I’m doing is adding a 5 minute out-loud verbal meditation on the end of my yoga a few times a week. For five minutes, I repeat out loud and forcefully:
I am the light of my soul.
I am beautiful. I am bountiful.
I am bliss.
So why all this ‘I am’ right? Well apparently the theory behind it is that our self conscious brain only knows what it HEARS. So if it hears us telling ourselves we’re stupid, we’re failures, we can’t do something – it eventually becomes the norm. So to retrain it, we have to verbally announce these words over and over so that subconsciously it really starts to sink in and we actually start to believe this.
I know all this sounds wacky – if you knew me in person, you’d be surprised that I’ve been doing this. I’m such a straight forward, no bullsh*t type of person. I’m not religious, I don’t make time for rhetoric, I think a lot of stuff is a bunch of hooey quite honestly (not that I won’t defend anyone’s right to believe what they want, just as long as they’re not knocking on my door to try to make me believe too.) Anyway, I digress. My point is, as Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, I’ve lost a ton of weight and gained it a countless number of times. But I’ve never concentrated on healing my brain, my emotions, my psyche. So I’m willing to try new things and hope to get new results that will enable me to break free from the emotional and binge eating roller coaster I’ve been on all my life.
The weather here has been cool but sunny and I was able to get out for my second run/walk on the C25K. I have announced to myself and written down a goal to run a 5k by September. Right now I’m walking 4 mins, running 30 seconds. I have a long way to go, lol. But at least I’ve started!
Also – remember those stairs that I used to pass to take the elevator to work? I’ve taken them every day this week! And just ever so slightly, in the teensiest, tiniest way – it’s been easier every time.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!