I am so angry right now
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I found out today that my therapy appointments are not covered by my health plan. I did a little more digging, and found out that no one in the province that I've been able to find will be covered either. I can do more digging, but how far am I going to have to travel for this? What if I don't connect to that therapist? I am beyond sick to death of dealing with the health care system.
I blew up tonight. Got angry and said at times like this I wish I hadn't moved here. I'd have a better chance at finding the help I need in a larger center - like Calgary. Okay, part of me is still home sick for Calgary too. That hurt Lee. He feels like he's holding me back. I told him I was just angry. I don't know if I'm angry at the situation - the small population base here makes it so much harder to find what I need. Or if I'm more angry with the health care system - not providing me with coverage for the help that I know I need.
I'm sick and tired. Literally.
I'm sick. I'm depressed. I'm always tired. I've gained weight. My tummy hurts almost all the time again. My breathing has become difficult again.
I've completely lost touch with things I love. If you were to ask me, I would have no idea what I love anymore. I've actually forgotten. But thanks to a few wonderful Sparkfriends, they help remind me what I've loved in the past. They remind me how full of life I can be. How I used to know what I love. Photography. Dancing. Those two are key. Over the past couple of years, I've discovered I love the results of running - the endorphins, the weight loss, the feeling of accomplishment, the excuses to travel and run in new places.
The worst part, I KNOW what I need to do to fix all of this.
Eating clean. No more sneaking in things that I know I can't eat, or shouldn't eat. Deal with the cravings, and simply cut them out. It's hard, but I will feel so much better for doing it.
Running. Get back to training for my next race. I've already signed up for it. Getting out there, pushing myself, and feeling accomplished at the end of the day.
Dancing. I need to go practice what my instructor gave me from the last lessons to practice. I should work on choreography. Spinning. Turning. Balance. Frame. Home and Play. Compression and Expansion.
Strength training. This is something I did back in 1999/2000. I loved it. I was strong. It's a way to boost my metabolism, and keep it boosted long after I leave the gym. Trade flab for lean tight muscles. To tone as well. I know. Tone is one of those flash words. But it would be nice to have a fit body overall, not just be able to run for miles and miles.
I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Right now, my depression is overwhelming me. I finally accepted that and found the therapist I need to start to recover. Today I found out my health plan won't cover the sessions. It's not with a psychologist, or a social worker, so I'm SOL. It's a newer form of therapy. EMDR. It's based on the belief that your body and mind know how to heal themselves. Sometimes however there is a block and that's when the breakdowns happen. EMDR activates both sides of your brain - right then left then right then... It is based on the premise that by doing that, you are able to overcome these blockages and heal. It works. It has worked for me in the past with amazing results. Now to find out I not only have to pay for the travel to get to and from the appointments, I am not going to get coverage for the appointments either.
When I push myself through this, I get angry. It's part of my fractured personality. I have an angry part. It protects me. When I feel violated, or like I'm being pushed too hard, or that my "true self" is in danger of any sort, the anger comes out. It lashes out at everything and anything around me. It's almost scary. I understand what's going on, but I don't really have any control over it when it's happening.
I'm scared if I try to do this while I'm working 12 hour days, I'll just set myself up for too much stress. That I'll loose my temper and my job along with it. I honestly love my job. Maybe it's time to consider a medical leave of absence. I hate to think of that. What if I can't do it? What kind of "proof" will I need to come back to work when I'm ready?
I'm constantly crying this week. I'm getting angry. Hubby is starting to pull away from me. I think he's actually bracing himself for me just giving up and leaving. I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to be scared of that myself.
I think I've rambled on long enough. I need to find a way through all of this. Sooner rather than later.